As newlyweds, you probably have lots of ideas of what your marriage will look like. Maybe you have certain expectations about the way holidays will look or how you’ll run your household. Perhaps you think you know the areas on which you agree and the things you’re still figuring out. The reality is, many newlyweds carry sneaky assumptions with them as they cross the threshold into married life. Often, these assumptions are at odds with reality – and the result is conflict that catches couples off-guard. If you want to avoid the common newlywed arguments, here are 4 assumptions to leave at the door:
1. The division of household responsibilities will fall into place easily.
Who will make sure bills are paid each month? Who’s in charge of the laundry? Which one of you will mow the lawn? Who will do most of the meal planning and cooking? Many couples go into marriage assuming their current way of doing things will transition smoothly into their married life together. Sometimes, that is the case. But often, even couples who lived together before marriage are caught by surprise when tension and conflict about who’s doing what arises. The best solution? Have ongoing, intentional conversations about what’s working, what’s not, and what makes the most sense for your relationship. Talking about how things were handled in your home growing up can give you insight into the assumptions you’ve carried with you into your own marriage. Be open-minded and willing to make adjustments that better suit your individual skills and interests.
2. We’re on the same page about money.
Money always has the potential to be a touchy topic. Before you were married, you may have been able to skirt around any major finance-related arguments. Once you’re married, however, the stakes rise significantly. Money decisions no longer affect just you, and that can be an adjustment. Your spouse might have some money habits that take you by surprise, or you could simply find yourselves at odds over how you want to manage your finances as a married couple. Discussing your early experiences with money and how it was handled in your families can shed light on your money values and attitudes as an adult. It can also help you gain a better understanding of each other in order to align on your financial goals and priorities.
3. We’ll celebrate holidays the way we always have.
Holidays can be a source of conflict for many couples, and it can be particularly jarring when you clash on them as newlyweds. Before you were married, maybe you alternated which family you celebrated each with. Perhaps you even celebrated some of them separately. However, once you’ve tied the knot, family traditions often seem to take on more importance while family boundaries become more blurred than ever. If/when you have children, it adds yet another layer of complexity. External family dynamics and obligations can leave you and your spouse at odds. What can you do? First, take some time to reflect on the actual issues at hand. What are the main points of tension? What causes each of you stress? Come together to discuss it with an open mind, willing to listen and gain insight on your spouse’s perspective. Next, think about what’s most important to each of you. You might settle on one or two separate priorities, but don’t forget to consider what matters most to you as a couple and as a family of your own. Problem-solve as a team to find ways to compromise and whether there are certain boundaries that need to be established. And finally, don’t be afraid to start your own traditions – over time they can become just as meaningful as the ones you each grew up with.
4. Our relationship is strong – we won’t have issues.
You went through premarital counseling and your relationship is stronger than ever – that’s great! You should be set for life, right? Well, not exactly. The truth is, no matter how great things are right now, you’re bound to go through ups and downs throughout the course of their marriage – this is completely normal. Children, aging parents, careers changes or setbacks, health issues, life-changing crises or events, and day-to-day stress – all of these factors can take a toll on your relationship if you’re not intentional about nurturing it and consistently working on the skills that foster resilience. Part of being committed to one another is sticking by each other’s side through both the sunny days and the stormy ones, and that requires being willing to work on your relationship – even when things are going great and before the problems feel too big to fix.
Broaching these topics during premarital counseling or on your own before marriage is a good way to avoid carrying conflict-laden assumptions into the start of your life together. But the discussions shouldn’t end there. As you evolve as a couple and navigate new seasons of life, you’ll need to flex and adjust accordingly. Keep the dialogue open – and let your hearts and minds follow suit.
Nicely and concisely said! It is common for pre-marital couples to be challenged to take time to consider expectations, and create a list of twenty-five. In reality, the life programming that precedes the relationship, has provided hundreds, if not thousands of unspoken expectations. Thank you!