You love your spouse. You just wish they’d be a little more social. Or organized. Or ambitious. If only they did things this way, everything would be so much easier. You really do love your spouse, but are you still trying to change them? Here are 4 signs to watch for:
1. You keep a running list of their flaws.
If someone were to ask you what your spouse’s biggest flaws are, would you have a whole list ready to go without hesitation? Would their strengths be harder to pinpoint? If this sounds like you, there’s a good chance you’re focusing too much on what annoys you instead of what you appreciate about them. And that means you’re likely measuring them against a version of who you wish they were – instead of loving them for who they are. Climb out of this criticism rut by putting those rose-colored glasses back on – the ones you wore early on in your relationship. Think about the traits and quirks that you first fell in love with. Lean into this perspective to help you refocus on all of your spouse’s strengths and the positives they bring to your marriage. Feeling – and expressing – this appreciation kicks off a cyclical response that emanates throughout your interactions.
2. Your differences are problems that need to be fixed.
You’re a planner. Your spouse likes to be spontaneous and go with the flow. If you could just get them to be more like you, all of your problems would be solved. Unfortunately, trying to change your spouse’s personality is about as productive as herding cats. Instead, think about how your differences can work for you. Maybe you adjust your roles and responsibilities to better suit your individual strengths and interests. Perhaps you learn to tackle projects from different angles for better results. Ultimately, working with your differences instead of against them can help you become a more confident, capable, and harmonious couple.
3. You’re chronically disappointed.
Sigh. Once again, your spouse’s social battery has run out way earlier than you’d like. If you’re constantly frustrated because your spouse isn’t meeting your expectations for how they should or shouldn’t be, it might be time to re-evaluate those expectations. Are you measuring them against a version of themselves that doesn’t exist? Letting go of those expectations (or adjusting them to be more realistic) will help you be less critical of each other, cut down on unnecessary fighting, and feel more satisfied in your relationship overall. It’s not about lowering your standards, it’s about seeing and loving your spouse for who they truly are.
4. You hide your own struggles.
Imagine you’re having a hard time finishing any of the many house projects you’ve started. It’s weighing on you. You feel like a failure. But instead of seeking support from your spouse, you shove everything in a metaphorical closet and pretend it doesn’t exist. If you find yourself trying to hide your flaws and insecurities, there’s a good chance there’s a judgmental or critical dynamic at play in your relationship. It’s a sign that you need to work on fostering acceptance, and it goes both ways. Think about it: if your foibles are always under a microscope, it makes it hard to let down your defenses. But when you both feel fully seen and accepted, you’re able to engage in the type of vulnerability and self-reflection that leads to personal growth.
At the end of the day, trying to change your spouse will only drive a wedge between you. But when you shift your focus from who you wish they were to who they actually are – flaws, quirks, and all – it transforms the dynamic of your entire relationship, fostering appreciation, acceptance, and growth.
Thank you for this article. I have been trying to change my husband but after today I will learn to put back on my rose colored glasses.
Numbers 1 and 3 are my issues. For #1- what if you never really had rose-colored glasses with your partner? He was “ok”. But marriage is showcasing his good qualities but also many areas you feel you settled?
It’s really difficult to read these articles sometimes. I know it’s impossible to write an article for every perspective. I think these articles are written for people who have a spouse who is mutually interested in figuring things out, seeking to understand, tries to be introspective, and is accountable for their actions and feelings. If wanting a spouse to change is wanting them to behave humanely, then yes, I’d most certainly would like them to change.
Muitas vezes, as decepções que trazemos sobre nosso conjuge nos faz agir de forma dura e incompreensiva. A comunicação deixa de ser assertiva e passar ser uma comunicação ressentida, carregada de emoções como frustração, desesperança e rancor. Essa postura desencadeia uma reação negativa do seu conjuge como resposta. Então, você que só queria que ele (a) te ouvisse e mudasse, passar a se decepcionar mais uma vez, mas sem entender que em um determinado momento do ciclo de conflitos e desentendimento, as ações do conjuge passam a ser reações. É preciso, dessa forma, ser altruísta e interromper esse ciclo.
Often, the disappointments we harbor regarding our spouse cause us to act harshly and without understanding. Communication ceases to be assertive and becomes fueled by resentment, charged with emotions such as frustration, hopelessness, and bitterness. This attitude triggers a negative reaction from your spouse. Consequently, you—who simply wanted them to listen and change— end up disappointed once again, failing to realize that at a certain point in the cycle of conflict and misunderstanding, your spouse’s actions become mere reactions. It is therefore necessary to be selfless and break this cycle.
You have to start with yourself. What is the pattern between us that leads my partner to behave “inhumanely.” How can I interrupt that pattern? Also get curious about what is underneath the “inhumane” behavior. You should not tolerate abusive behavior ever, but get curious about it as a starting point.