Do you tell your doctor everything is great while concealing that weird rash? When you bring your car into the shop, do you say it’s running fine when it’s actually been making some very concerning noises? If the dentist asks if you’re feeling any pain, do you pretend that molar hasn’t been bothering you lately?
Sometimes it’s tempting to gloss over problems or pretend they don’t exist. It feels like the easier option in the moment, but ultimately, you’re only shorting yourself. Neither your doctor nor your auto mechanic or dentist can help you if you paint an inaccurate picture of what’s going on.
Unfortunately, when it comes to premarital counseling, many couples make this very mistake. They present an idealized version of their relationship, wearing a mask to hide perceived flaws or imperfections.
Sometimes it’s intentional; sometimes it’s not. Either way, the result is the same: a generic counseling experience that’s lacking in depth, limited in benefits, and fails to address the issues that matter most. Frankly, it’s a squandered opportunity to do something that could positively impact their entire marriage.
Why is it difficult to show up authentically, and what are the consequences? What are some tips for letting that mask fall even when it’s uncomfortable? Let’s dive in.
Your best foot forward isn’t always best
There are some common misconceptions around premarital counseling. Some couples assume their relationship will be judged or that they can “fail” the process. Others think that marriage prep is only for couples with serious issues – it doesn’t really apply to them. And some simply want to make a good impression. All of these things cause couples to instinctively put their best foot forward. The unfortunate result? Your Facilitator is unable to give you personalized feedback and help you build the skills that you truly need. Your experience will be surface level instead of hitting home.
The advantage of authenticity
On the other hand, when you’re authentic, your premarital counseling will be relevant and tailored specifically to who you are as a couple – your strengths, your struggles, where you’re at in your relationship – and where you want to be. This makes it much more likely that you’ll walk away with skills and insights you can – and will – actually apply.
It’s possible you’re just meeting your Facilitator for the very first time, and letting them see an unfiltered version of your relationship feels too personal. While you definitely don’t have to share every minute detail, being candid about the areas you’ve been struggling or see room for improvement will pay off so much more than pretending things are perfect.
Because here’s the thing – premarital counseling isn’t about having a perfect relationship. Perfect relationships don’t exist! The goal is to give you the resilience-boosting skills that will help you navigate all that life throws at you. It’s creating that strong foundation on which to build your entire marriage.
Practical tips for being yourselves
If you and your partner are having trouble letting your guards down during counseling sessions, here are a few things to keep in mind:
- Taking a relationship assessment like Prepare/Enrich can feel like a test – it’s not! Think of it as a snapshot of your relationship at a particular point in time – your relationship will continue to grow and change throughout your marriage. The assessment simply helps your Facilitator understand where you are now and chart a path for how you can grow.
- Your Facilitator isn’t there to judge you; they’re there to help you. But they can only meet you where you actually are, not where you’re pretending to be.
- Premarital counseling is truly a “get what you give” experience. The more effort and heart you’re willing to put into it, the more you’ll benefit from it in the long run. Your marriage is worth it!
- It’s okay to be apprehensive about bringing up certain topics and “rocking the boat.” But being able to discuss contentious relationship issues in a healthy, productive way is a skill that will help you stay connected to each other throughout your marriage.
The bottom line
When you show up honestly, your relationship benefits in the long run. Remember, the more real you’re willing to be, the stronger the foundation you’ll walk away with – and that foundation is what your entire marriage will be built on.
