Summer road trips. Pizza and a movie on Friday nights. Family vacations big and small. Special one-on-one experiences with each kid. Birthdays and holidays that feel magical. If you have children, it’s very likely that one of your main missions in life is creating positive core memories they’ll look back on throughout their lives with a sense of comforting nostalgia. In so many ways, your world revolves around them, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But where does your spouse fit in? Are they hovering somewhere outside this orbit?
The reality is, it’s completely normal – and healthy – to focus a lot on your children, especially when they’re young. You and your spouse will go through seasons in which your children’s needs vary greatly in size and scope. Sometimes these demands mean less time to focus on your marriage. The physical dependence of babies and toddlers morph right into busy days of extracurricular activities. Before you know it, you’re teaching them to drive and visiting colleges. And just like that – they’re moving out. What happens when the last kid leaves the nest?
Unfortunately, it’s not uncommon for couples to let the quality of their marriage erode over the course of the child-rearing years. They’re able to “get by” because their focus is on their kids – a distraction that feels justified and all-consuming at the time. But when the chaos quiets and their marriage comes back into focus, some couples find themselves feeling like strangers. Sadly, some find this rift too big to overcome. The key to avoiding this outcome? Making it a priority to nurture your relationship, stay connected, and grow together throughout the years of raising children. Don’t put it off as a “someday” endeavor or assume it can wait until the kids are grown – incorporate it into your life now!
A fresh perspective
Nurturing your marriage can look many different ways, and it may change depending on your season of life. It might be carving out quality time wherever you can fit it, going to marriage counseling, or proactively working on relationship skills like communication and handling conflict. A fresh way to look at it is through this lens of creating core memories. You prioritize it for your kids, so what might that look like for your spouse? 10, 25, or 40 years down the road, what will stick with you when you look back on your marriage? Is it difficult to pinpoint anything that doesn’t involve your children? Or are you lucky to have a plethora of special memories of just you two that span all of those years?
Go big (or small)
Core memories can be big once-in-a-lifetime type events – vacations, milestone anniversaries, or finally finding your forever home. But just as often, they can be small routines, silly traditions, or inside jokes that are threaded throughout your relationship. Ideally, it’s a mix of both! Having a strong connection is what enables these things to take root, stand the test of time, and ultimately become those meaningful memories you cherish.
A foundation and a legacy
Many couples tend to feel guilty doing things for themselves, particularly when their children are young. If you’re taking a bucket list vacation, shouldn’t you experience it as a family? Sure, sometimes. But don’t feel bad if you take the leap on a “parents only” trip or other “just the two of us” experiences. After all, your relationship is the foundation of your family – it’s what started it all. Keeping this foundation strong is a great way to model what goes into a healthy marriage. Your children will observe this, and hopefully someday they’ll incorporate it into their own marriage for your grandchildren to witness and pass down.
The memories you’re creating for your children are priceless – but so are the ones you’re creating with your spouse. It’s never too late to be more intentional, and the best time to start is now. A strong, loving marriage is one of the greatest gifts you can give your children – it shapes how they feel about home, their expectations around marriage, and what they’ll one day model for their own children. That’s a legacy worth investing in, and someday, you’ll both be glad you made it a priority.
My husband and I have a back patio where we drink coffee for 20 to 30 minutes in the morning, catching up and learning more about each other. Sometimes we just listen to the birds, singing and other times we share our thoughts or express our feelings. It’s very spontaneous and we have gained so much from these moments.