They bring out the best in each other. Maybe you’ve said this about another couple or people have said it about you and your spouse. It’s a great compliment, but what does it mean, really? Is it something that only comes naturally or can you work on it? Does it fade over time? How do you know if you’re still doing it? While there’s no scientific formula for what it looks like, here are eight surefire signs that you and your spouse bring out the best in each other. Read More
Do you and your partner have very different personalities? Even if you’re not complete opposites, you probably differ in at least a few ways. How do you manage your differences? One of the first steps is learning to accept them instead of trying to change each other. Once you’re able to do that, you can really begin to appreciate your differences. You might take note of how your spouse is able to chat it up with anyone, or maybe you admire how they’re not afraid of change. Once you’re in the mindset of appreciating your differences, you can go a step farther – and learn how to leverage your differences in positive ways. Here are four times personality differences work for you. Read More
Do you ever feel like you’re failing in various aspects of marriage? If so, you’re not alone. Marriage is hard. Sure, there are “best practices,” but there’s no instruction manual that lays it out step by step. So it can feel like you’re floundering – making it up as you go and unsure whether you’re getting anywhere. Are we doing this right?
We’ve got some good news for you. Sometimes things that feel like struggles or failures are actually successes in disguise. Curious about some examples? Read on. Read More
Ahh, the kids are in bed and you’ve just settled into your favorite spot on the couch for a Netflix session with your spouse. Now, what to watch? You scroll and scroll through the options, waiting for your partner to suggest something. A few things grab your interest, but you don’t say anything. What if they’re not into it? What if it’s not good? Your partner finally calls out an option. You’re not crazy about the choice, but you start it anyway. Then for the next 90 minutes you sit silently wishing you’d picked something you wanted to watch – it had to be better than this!
This is a trivial example, but it’s a microcosm of the role of assertiveness in relationships. In the realm of good communication, assertiveness is the flip side of active listening. It’s being self-aware enough to know what we want and need, and then communicating that to our partner in an honest, respectful way. It’s giving your partner a fair shot at meeting your needs and wishes while also being accountable for your own happiness and satisfaction.
For some people, assertiveness comes relatively easily. You’re confident and comfortable asking for what you want; you don’t take it personally if you don’t always get it. It doesn’t hurt to ask, right? Or, maybe you’ve even been called out for being too assertive or domineering in some situations. For others, however, being assertive is a struggle, and it’s one that can build upon itself. You don’t voice your needs, so you don’t get them. You feel a lack of agency over your situation, causing you to feel even less confident. It can be a tough cycle to break, but it’s not impossible. Here are some ways you can begin being more assertive in your relationship: Read More
Do you ever find yourself getting annoyed with your partner’s personality? Of course, you still love them unconditionally, but man, sometimes you just can’t help but wonder… Why do they do that? Why are they that way??
The ironic thing is that if you’ve been together for any length of time, the traits that start to annoy you are often the same ones that drew you to each other initially. That gregarious sense of humor now sometimes makes you grit your teeth. Those superb planning skills can feel more exhausting than efficient.
Personality traits tend to stay pretty consistent over the course of life, which means attempting to change them or waiting for them to change on their own is not the best use of anyone’s time, energy, or relationship! What’s more useful? Learning to appreciate your partner’s personality and manage your differences and similarities in positive ways. Here are some tips to do just that. Read More
Do you consider yourselves to be a quirky couple? Whether you answered yes or no, the reality is that your personalities, upbringing, experiences, and perspectives make you two very unique individuals. And that makes your relationship one-of-a-kind as well! Learning to go with the flow of the unique dynamics of your relationship instead of resisting them or feeling like there’s some mold you should fit into is part of growing as a couple.
Here are five way you can embrace your unique relationship: Read More
Self-awareness, or mindfulness, is a buzzword lately. If it evokes images of someone meditating on a mountaintop or something to that effect, you’re probably not alone. While it is, in fact, about getting in touch with your core self, it isn’t only for people who meditate on mountaintops. Self-awareness is crucial for everyone – and here’s why.
It sounds like an oxymoron. Complaining doesn’t usually get associated with being productive. But in the context of your relationship, complaining is actually preferable to the damage of criticism.
Renowned marriage researcher and therapist John Gottman has pinpointed what he calls the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse – four communication habits that can be predictive of divorce with a shocking 90% accuracy. You guessed it, one of the Horsemen is criticism.
Now for the good news: as we mentioned earlier, complaining is the healthier alternative to criticism. It helps ensure you’re both making an effort and can be an antidote to complacency. Want to complain more productively? Keep these tips in mind:
“Check out this one,” my wife said as she handed me her phone. I turned from what I was doing and glanced at the nearby house for sale, noting its far out-of-reach price.
“Looks great,” I replied, wondering why my wife was doing this to herself and what the point was. She couldn’t possibly be serious about the idea of moving, and even so, I thought, we couldn’t really afford to upgrade. Our current mortgage was quite manageable thanks to purchasing a modest home over a decade ago when prices were lower, plus refinancing when mortgage rates were historically low. Why would we mess with that?
On the other hand, since buying our house our family of three had become a family of six. Over the years we had worked hard to optimize the use of space in our house, and yet, I had to admit, we were bursting at the seams. Most pressing, our college freshman daughter, whose departure provided temporary relief, lacked a bedroom to move back into. Her younger sister had taken hers over the day she moved out. “We’ll figure something out” I assured her…mostly trying to assure myself. Day after day the pattern continued–my wife showing me houses that I didn’t think were realistic, which I communicated through deafening silence. I grew frustrated as my wife slid towards despair. Something had to give. Read More
We’ve heard it before. Relationships can, and will (if we let them), fall in a rut. We know they take energy, we know they take effort, we’ve heard this all before. Amongst the extensive amount of stale relationship advice we’ve heard time and time again, this one stands out as most over-used.
But what if we told you that putting in the effort in a new and exciting way can actually make you a happier couple? Read More
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