Annoyance: Your Problem or Mine?

Everyone gets annoyed with their spouse from time to time. It’s a normal part of marriage, and any close relationship, really. Typically, the annoyance is minor, a blip here or there that usually doesn’t last too long. But every so often, the irritation strikes a bit deeper or lasts a bit longer. The result is a fight, an interaction you regret, distance, disconnection, or resentment. Needless to say, it’s not something you want to become a regular dynamic in your marriage. So what do you do? Is it up to your spouse to stop annoying you? Not quite. Let’s explore.

Own it.

Let’s put it out there: annoyance is a feeling, and your feelings are your own. No one else controls your feelings or how you respond and act on them. Can your spouse affect how you’re feeling? Absolutely. But ultimately, you get to determine how you respond to your feelings. When you’re extremely annoyed with your spouse, it’s easy to place the blame on them. After all, it’s something they did (or didn’t do) that is driving you nuts. However, when you take ownership of your annoyance instead of putting it on them, you have more control over the outcome. Maybe you didn’t get enough sleep the night before, or you’re stressed about a work deadline and a never-ending to-do list. Perhaps it’s just been a day, and this seemingly small thing just tipped you over the edge. Or maybe you’re simply hangry and need to eat. All of these things can directly contribute to you feeling extra annoyed. The good news? They are all things you have some control over.

Consider the source.

Okay, so it might be a little unfair to assume that every annoyance is created equal. For instance, finding no toilet paper left on the roll is probably not on the same level as your spouse forgetting your birthday. Whether it’s a very minor offense or a situation in which feeling irked is justified, figuring out the actual source of your annoyance can help you gain perspective and adjust the way you react. Are you annoyed at one of your spouse’s quirky habits that’s striking a nerve because you have a headache? Is it because you had expectations that were not met? Or is it due to a perceived lack of consideration? More often than not, giving your partner the benefit of the doubt – that they were not intentionally trying to be inconsiderate or disappoint you – can help temper your reaction if you’re feeling extra snippy.

Communicate.

Okay, so we’ve made a point that if you’re annoyed, you should own that feeling. But that doesn’t mean you need to keep your feelings bottled up. Generally speaking, communicating your feelings to your spouse is beneficial to your marriage. When you let your spouse into your inner world, your emotional connection stays strong. Plus, sharing emotions – even the negative ones – helps you practice honest yet respectful communication. Letting your spouse know if you need space or time to decompress helps prevent misunderstandings and hurt feelings that can make the situation worse. Use those communication skills to help them understand where you’re at. You can own your annoyance while also letting them know what contributed to it and why. It might sound something like, “I was annoyed when you made that joke in front of your family. I know you didn’t mean to embarrass me, I was just feeling extra sensitive about things at the time.”

Feeling annoyed with your spouse can often be overlooked as the daily ins and outs of marriage. But just like other emotions, it can sometimes get the best of you. By being mindful of ways to gain perspective and handle these feelings with more intention, you can avoid unnecessary conflict or negative dynamics from taking root.