4 Areas of Good Tension in Marriage

“Tension” often has a negative connotation. Whether it’s cringing your way through an awkward moment, walking on eggshells around unresolved conflict, or trying to hold it together in the midst of a high-stress or crisis situation, most people don’t want to be in a state of tension for too long.

But here’s the thing – there’s good tension, too.

What creates good tension?

Within your marriage, something magical happens in the space where your differences converge and you both stretch a bit beyond your comfort zones to meet each other somewhere in the middle. It’s allowing yourself to be influenced by your spouse instead of being set in your own ways.

In order for differences to inspire this positive effect on your relationship instead of putting you at odds, there needs to be a mutual respect and acceptance – you’re not trying to change each other to be more like you. Instead, there is a willingness to push yourself beyond your usual tendencies. It can feel uncomfortable, but in that discomfort there is growth. You grow because of, or in some ways toward, your partner. Your relationship grows, too.

There also needs to be a two-way street of awareness. Self-awareness allows you to know and understand yourself, your needs, preferences, and tendencies. Awareness of your spouse grows through an ongoing sense of curiosity. When you have a genuine interest in what makes them tick and put effort into understanding them on a deeper level, empathy grows. And when you both feel truly known and accepted for you who are, you’re much more likely to venture into that tension for each other.

What might this look like?

If this is sounding a bit abstract, or you’re thinking you don’t have any examples of this in your own marriage, chances are you can find an instance or two of good tension in your relationship. Here are 4 times tension is a good thing:

• Personality traits
  One of the most common examples is the age-old introvert/extrovert scenario. Many couples that experience this dynamic figure out ways to accommodate both of their socializing needs while also stretching beyond what they’d normally do. The introvert might agree to go out with a group of new friends on Saturday and to their own surprise, ends up glad they went. The extrovert knows their partner will want to lay low on Sunday, and while they’d love to invite some friends over for the game, actually finds that a quiet day at home is just what was needed. Consider other personality traits combinations such as spontaneous/deliberate, outspoken/reserved, free-spirited/consistent, or excitable/steady. Can you see where good tension might come into play for these pairings? How does it relate to the idea of “balancing each other out”?
• Perspective, opinions, and preferences
  When you see things very differently, it can either be a recipe for constant arguing or an opportunity to learn, broaden your way of thinking, and try new things. Maybe you’ve learned to like pineapple on your pizza because it’s your spouse’s favorite, or you’re now able to see an issue from a completely different angle after hearing their opinion. Good tension in this area helps you be more open-minded and mentally flexible, which not only paves the path for individual growth but also unlocks new possibilities for how you work together as a team.
• Background or upbringing
  Did one of you grow up in a big city while the other comes from a rural area? Was your partner’s family small but close while yours was big and more distant? Do you come from different socioeconomic backgrounds? Differences like these help deepen your understanding of the world and add richness to the unique dynamics of your relationship and family. From the way you think about money, to the activities you enjoy together, to the values you live out and teach your children, being opposites in these areas bring about great potential for growth when you learn to leverage the good tension.
• Culture or religion
  If you and your spouse come from different ethnic backgrounds or cultures, it’s likely you’ve experienced some good tension in the process of learning about each other and how those differences translate to your relationship. You might find yourself stretching to meet your partner on something as basic as the meals you make. It’s not a big leap to see how contrasting cultures or beliefs impacts other areas of your relationships, such as holiday and birthday celebrations. How will your differences shape the rituals and traditions that you carry on together or with your children?

Have you experienced areas of good tension in your marriage? Although it can feel uncomfortable in the moment, this slight sense of friction fosters flexibility and helps you and your relationship grow.