You know if you’re tired and burnt out from a long week. You know today is a big day at work. You know exactly what would help you feel better. You know all these things, so your spouse should too, right?
Not necessarily. Often things feel obvious to us because we’re living inside our own heads. Meanwhile, your spouse is living in theirs – with a full plate of their own thoughts, worries, and to-do’s. You can’t see theirs, and guess what? They can’t see yours either. When you expect them to just know, you set up a guessing game that’s hard for either of you to win.
The solution? Actually saying the “obvious” thing out loud. It can feel unnecessary, or even like you’re somehow falling short in your marriage. The truth is, it’s actually helping you avoid a lot of unnecessary frustration and conflict in your marriage. Here are 7 times it’s worth stating the obvious.
1. When you’re upset with your spouse
When they ask the loaded question, “What’s wrong?” it’s tempting to to reply with, “Nothing, I’m fine,” when that is actually not true. You hope your spouse reads between the lines, and sometimes they do. But when they take your words at face value, you end up even more upset that they didn’t pick up on your clues. Instead of “I’m fine,” just be honest and straightforward: I’m upset about what happened earlier, and I need a few minutes before I’m ready to talk.” You don’t have to resolve the issue in that moment, it’s just about letting your spouse know that there is one.
2. When you need help
Heavy sighs, slammed cabinets, and making as much noise as possible doing the task at hand are all somewhat passive-aggressive ways of saying, “I’d like some help over here please!” You might think your message is coming across loud and clear, when in reality it’s easy for your spouse to misread as irritation or miss completely. Instead of letting resentment build as you silently take on tasks and wait for your partner to jump in and help, just ask them. “I’m feeling overwhelmed tonight – can you take over bedtime?” This creates an easy opportunity for your spouse to say yes, and you get the help you’re looking for – a win-win.
3. When a day matters to you
Your birthday, anniversary, and holidays all carry certain expectations. Maybe you’re hoping your spouse takes the initiative to plan a special date, buys that extra thoughtful gift, or simply acknowledges the occasion first thing in the morning. If you haven’t said anything about what you’re envisioning for the day, they may have a very different idea in their head. Instead of passively hoping they fulfill your unspoken wish list, try being up front about it: “Here’s what would make this day really special.” It doesn’t make it less meaningful, it gives them the chance to get it right.
4. When your mood isn’t about them
Everyone has off days: a bad night’s sleep, rough day at work, or feeling down or grumpy for no particular reason. If you’re suddenly short with your spouse or more quiet than usual, they may jump to the conclusion they did something wrong. Instead of expecting them to know it’s not personal, try giving them some clear reassurance: “It’s not you, I’m just having a bad day.” This can put both of you at a greater sense of ease.
5. When something meant a lot (or hurt)
We tend to assume our spouse knows how we feel about the things they do and say, whether it’s a gesture we truly appreciated or a comment that landed wrong. A simple rule of thumb? Never assume they know – just tell them: “It meant a lot that you did that,” or “That comment hurt my feeling; can we talk about it?” Both appreciation and hurt – left unspoken – can be detrimental to a marriage, but calling it out opens up this two-way street of communication.
6. When you need connection or space
After a long day, one of you might need some quiet alone time to decompress while the other wants to connect. If these needs aren’t communicated, you can end up feeling rejected or suffocated without either of you knowing why. Instead of withdrawing and silently wishing for space, or hovering and hoping they’ll open up, let them know: “I need twenty minutes of quiet, and then I’d love to hear about your day.” Or, “I could really use a hug right now.” Simply stating what you need gives them insight into where your head is at and a better understanding of your behavior if it’s a little out of the norm.
7. When you’re assuming a plan
Your assumptions about holidays, finances, weekend plans, or who’s handling what around the house aren’t an issue – until they collide with your spouse’s own assumptions, which are very different from yours. Instead of assuming your spouse is on the same page, go ahead and confirm what seems obvious to you: ”I’m assuming we’re spending the holidays at your parents’ this year. Is that still the plan?” Making sure you’re aligned on a plan only takes a minute, but untangling a mess of crossed wires when you’re operating from different playbooks can be a much bigger ordeal.
The delivery matters
When stating the obvious, do it kindly. Starting with, “I shouldn’t have to tell you…” or making your spouse feel like they’ve failed some sort of test sort of misses the entire point. Instead of seeing it as a scorecard of who’s dropping the ball, think of it as a chance to boost mutual understanding and help you be better spouses to each other.
If stating the obvious feels awkward at first, start small. Pick one thing you’ve been expecting your spouse to pick up on, and just say it. You might be surprised how much easier it becomes, and ultimately how much lighter things feel in your marriage.
These are so true! I think women tend to do some of these more often–the passive agressive tendencies thinking our husbands are just supposed to know why we’re doing them. And, like many of us have found out, those subtleties don’t communicate what we hope. Misinterpreted expectations can lead to a lot of frustration; instead of thinking “he (or she) should know how much that irritates me,” or “I shouldn’t have to tell them ____; they should just know.”; perhaps use that moment as a loving check-in to remind or clarify if something hurts, brings joy, is caring for you, needs to be done, whether it’s on the family schedule, etc. Nobody wants to be the manager of their spouse, but expecting our communication to be telepathically transmitted intead of actual talking isn’t doing us any favors. ha 🙂
Amen