When it comes to roles in marriage, our minds tend to drift to the practical side of things, like who’s in charge of paying the bills, cleaning the house, mowing the lawn, cooking the meals, and all the other responsibilities that go into keeping your household running smoothly. But there’s a more abstract side to this as well.
Amidst all the day-to-day tasks, there’s a good chance you’ve taken on some roles that are more social or emotional in nature. These roles are unique in that they’re constantly running in the background – they can’t be checked off a to-do list and marked complete. The result? These roles are often invisible – you may not even realize you’re fulfilling them, even though they require ongoing mental and emotional energy. Let’s explore some examples and what to look out for with each one.
1. The Emotional Barometer
You’re the one who reads the room – picking up on the moods and emotions of your spouse and other family members. You notice when your partner is stressed or frustrated without them saying a word. You know just what to say and do to smooth out tension and prevent negative emotions from escalating.
What to look out for: People who’ve fallen into this role are often empaths, sensing and absorbing the emotions of others – even to their own detriment. While empathy is a gift, constantly taking on and navigating others’ feelings and leave you drained. It’s not your responsibility to eliminate conflict – your spouse’s feelings are their own, and it’s okay to let them experience them.
2. The Relationship Broker
You’re the go-between when it comes to nurturing and tending to the relationships between your spouse, children, extended family, in-laws, friends, children’s friends, neighbors, the list goes on. This role requires understanding the unique expectations of each relationship and coordinating the work to meet them – or doing that work yourself. This could be things like encouraging your spouse to ask their sibling about a new job, or making sure the kids call Grandpa on his birthday. It might be bringing a meal to friends who just had a baby – on behalf of you and your spouse, or arranging a visit with your in-laws when it’s been a while since you’ve seen them.
What to look out for: If you’ve been the one managing all of these relationships, that means your spouse isn’t really building any of their own. You might feel burnt out or resentful that it all falls on you. The best way to avoid this is simply to call it out and let your partner know you’d like to share the load, not only for your own benefit but theirs as well. They may not even be aware of what you’ve been doing behind the scenes or what this role entails, so be specific with ways they can take agency in this area – handling their own friendships or being responsible for remembering birthdays on their side of the family.
3. The Social Butterfly
It’s a common dynamic for couples: the social extrovert and the quiet introvert. While it’s not always this black and white (introverts can be social, too!), the general result is that you tend to take the lead on social interactions and plans, while your spouse goes along for the ride. For example, at a party you’re the one who introduces both of you and initiates the conversations. You’ve talked to and know something about everyone in the neighborhood, and you’re usually the one to relay social invitations to your partner.
What to look out for: This role is often strongly influenced by personality, and that means it might feel like a totally natural dynamic for both of you. The thing to watch out for is imbalance – are you dominating conversations or speaking for your spouse in social situations, or committing to plans without consulting them first? The key is good communication and regular check-ins to make sure both of your social needs are being met.
4. The Rock
An unexpected crisis, a chaotic day, a stressful week, a trying season – you’re strong and steady through it all. You’re the one who holds it together, providing that comforting sense of security and reassurance that everything is going to be okay. You appear unflappable under pressure and never seem to need support because you’re usually the one giving it.
What to look out for: You might take pride in your stoicism, but don’t forget – you’re allowed to feel things, too. In fact, you probably have plenty of feelings of your own, but you’ve learned to compartmentalize them so you can focus on being there for your spouse. The thing is, your spouse may be perfectly capable of reciprocating that support, but they may think you don’t need it. Be willing to let down your guard, share your struggles, and give them the opportunity to be the one you lean on.
Chances are, you and your spouse didn’t choose these roles – you fell into them without even realizing it. They’re intangible and hard to define, but nonetheless, they are significant – both in their effect on your marriage and what they require of the person fulfilling them. Gaining awareness of these roles will enable you to have honest conversations about whether the balance feels right – and ultimately how you can support and show up for each other better.
What invisible roles do you play in your marriage? Let us know in the comments.
