5 Things to Decide Heading Into the Holiday Season

November is here, and that means the holiday season is suddenly upon us. Soon you’ll be confirming travel plans, RSVPing to festivities, and tackling gift lists. It can all feel like a whirlwind, with little control over how your holidays actually play out. Decisions are made at the last-minute or by defaulting to what’s always been done. If you and your spouse want to be more intentional about what your holidays look like this year, then now is the time to sit down for an informal planning meeting. So grab a notebook, get cozy, and discuss these five topics together.

Think separately first

Before you sit down together, take some time to reflect individually. This gives you each a chance to sort through your own feelings about all aspects of the holidays, and prepares you for a more productive conversation. Jot down:

• The one or two things that matter most to you
• Anything you’re dreading
• Anything you’d be happy to let go of this year

Topic #1: What matters most to each of you

Share your lists and what makes each item meaningful. For example, the reason “celebrating Christmas Eve at my grandparents’” might be so important to you is that it’s the one time each year you see your cousins. Once you understand what’s actually underlying each of your requests, it’s easier to find ways to honor it. To gain further insight into this topic, ask:

• What would make this season feel like a success?
• Is there a tradition you’d be sad to skip?
• Is there anything you’re feeling pressure to do that you’d rather not?

Topic #2: The celebration schedule

The schedule of events often lives in your heads, and unfortunately, that’s where miscommunications and assumptions can pop up and lead to conflict. You may also be trying to balance celebrating with each of your families, and managing any obligations and expectations associated with that. To make everything more concrete, take out some paper or a calendar and actually map out the schedule. “Lock in” the things you’re both happy with, then move onto the arrangements that are up for contention. Write down every possible solution or way to divide your time among both families and your own home. Seeing all the options laid out makes it easier to spot hidden ways to compromise. Here are a few options to consider:

• Alternating which family gets which holiday each year
• Splitting a single holiday across the day
• Hosting your own celebration and inviting family to you
• Celebrating with one side on a different day entirely

Don’t forget to factor in travel time, the energy certain plans require, and your children’s needs/capacity if you have them. Try to be realistic. Something that seems doable on paper might actually leave you stressed out and exhausted, so don’t be afraid to call that out and adjust accordingly.

Topic #3: Boundaries (and who communicates them)

Leave it to the holidays to bring complicated family dynamics out in full force. Maybe there’s an aunt who always comments on your parenting, a relative who always pressures you to stay longer than you’d like, or a topic you’d like to avoid. Decide together what you’re comfortable with and who will be responsible for passing the message along when necessary. Here are some examples of boundaries you might set or discuss:

• Staying in a hotel instead of with family
• Celebrating a certain holiday at home with your kids instead of extended family
• Setting a time limit on visits
• Agreeing not to share marriage issues with relatives

Whatever boundaries you establish, stand behind them as a team (i.e. don’t throw your spouse under the bus).

Topic #4: Money and gifts

You might be in sync about everything else, and still disagree on the holiday budget and gifting mentality. The holidays have a way of throwing typical habits out the window. Growing gift lists, travel expenses, and simply getting swept up in the holiday spirit can lead to spending more than you planned. Get on the same page by discussing things like:

• A total spending limit for gifts, travel, and hosting
• How you’ll handle gifts for each other
• Your gifting strategy for your kids if you have them
• Whether you want to scale back anything this year

The key here is to have this conversation before the shopping starts, so that you can go into it with a plan in place. If you’re typically of the same money mindset, lean into what works for you throughout the rest of the year.

Bonus Topic: A new tradition

While carrying out existing family traditions is important (and maybe one of your favorite parts of the holidays), so is creating your own! Choose one thing that is special to you and your spouse/children and be intentional about doing it again. It could be something you tried previously or something brand new. It doesn’t have to be elaborate – small traditions are often easier to repeat, and the yearly repetition is what turns the activity into something you look forward to each year. Here are a few ideas:

• A holiday movie countdown
• Driving around to look at lights
• A special meal or a holiday baking day
• A yearly photo in the same spot

Plan a check-in

Before you wrap up, put a short check-in on the calendar for mid-season, even if it’s just ten minutes. There will inevitably be new circumstances that pop up, adjustments that need to be made, or you might simply find that what you’d initially planned isn’t going to work. Be flexible and keep the bigger picture in mind when there’s a need for compromise.

The point of this planning meeting isn’t to control every detail of the season. It’s to go into the holidays as a team and help you make the most out of what can be a chaotic time of year. A bit of forethought and effort now will help you get on the same page so you can shape your experience with a bit more intention – and avoid unnecessary conflict along the way.