The Upside of Being Alone Together

We talk a lot about spending time together and apart. Both are integral to a healthy relationship – it’s all about finding the right balance that meets each of your needs at the particular phase of life you’re in. But have you ever considered being alone…together?

No, we don’t mean feeling lonely while you’re in each other’s presence (that’s a blog post for a different day). We’re talking about sharing a space while doing your own separate things. It sounds pretty basic, right? You might even say it doesn’t seem very conducive to good quality time. After all, sitting on the couch scrolling on your phones for hours is a habit many couples are trying to break these days. So let’s dig deeper into this idea.

Imagine you and your spouse are in the same room, both engaged in your own hobby. Maybe you’re playing a video game while your spouse is engrossed in a book. It’s silent… but what does that silence feel like? Is it awkward, tense, or full of unspoken resentment? Or is it comfortable and intimate with feelings of connection even in the silence?

When being alone together feels warm and companionable, it’s a good indicator of some really positive things happening in your marriage. You’re likely doing a good job of prioritizing and balancing quality time. You feel emotionally connected, which requires open communication and a sense of emotional safety. Overall you both feel confident and secure in your relationship. While none of these things might feel extraordinary to you, they don’t happen overnight. In fact, many couples consistently put effort into getting to and keeping their marriage at this level. So if you and your spouse can sit in silence that feels like a sanctuary instead of a stalemate, don’t take that for granted. Here are a few tips to help you make the most of this time together:

• You don’t have to sit in complete silence. One of the nice things about being in each other’s immediate vicinity is you can touch base every now and then, whether to point out something you found amusing, share your progress, or even just give their arm a squeeze.
• Lacking a lot of extra space in your home? That can make it difficult to go off in different directions for completely separate alone time. Finding activities to enjoy alone together can help solve that problem.
• Maintain a sense of balance. Your quality time should still include giving each other your full attention – simply sharing space shouldn’t replace date nights or hobbies you actually enjoy doing together. Similarly, don’t let time apart completely disappear either. The right combination of all of these things will be different for every couple and at different phases of marriage.
• Sometimes there is comfort in the quiet. When you’re both physically, mentally, or emotionally exhausted, being alone together is a low-effort way to feel connected while you each recharge in your preferred ways.
• If you find that having a more clear cut boundary between “me time” and “we time” is a better fit for you and your spouse, that’s great – do what works for you!

If you feel that being alone together doesn’t feel great at this point in time, don’t be discouraged. Instead, focus on strengthening your connection through honest communication about your needs while creating a sense of emotional safety for one another. As your emotional intimacy increases, you’ll feel more in tune instead of tense while in each other’s quiet company.