4 Questions to Clear Your Marriage Clutter

Does clutter drive you nuts or do you not really notice it? A few knick-knacks here, some dirty dishes there, kids’ toys everywhere. If being surrounded by clutter makes you feel a little mentally frazzled, you might not be imagining it. In fact, research has found that excessive clutter can have a negative effect on your ability to focus and process information, as well as on your self-esteem and mood.

Now consider this: Can your marriage have clutter? And if so, what effect might it have on your relationship?

Decluttering your marriage might not be as straightforward as putting away that stack of laundry or reorganizing the kitchen cabinets, but it can be just as beneficial.

First things first, what exactly is the clutter in marriage? It can show up in various forms. It can be emotional – things like harboring resentment, holding onto past hurts, or sitting on unresolved issues and unspoken needs. It can manifest in your day-to-day life, too. Think routines that no longer fit, habits that undermine your wellbeing, activities that no longer serve your relationship, or outside relationships that have turned toxic.

Although these thing may not be taking over your physical space, they still drain you mentally and emotionally, wasting both time and energy. This clutter can build up, gradually clouding your communication and hindering intimacy and connection. Ultimately, it makes it difficult to prioritize your relationship and grow together.

So what are some steps to decluttering your marriage?

First, take some time to reflect individually.

This will give you both a chance to process and analyze any emotions or issues you may have not given space to. Here are some questions to think through – jot down notes if it’s helpful.

• Are there negative emotions (such as resentment, anger, or hurt) that are nagging at me?
• What are these emotions tied to? Are these things I’m ready to let go of? Are these things that I need to address or share with my spouse?
• Am I able to devote my time and energy where I want? If not, what is draining it?
• Are there habits, outside relationships, or other things that I feel no longer serve me or our marriage?
• In what ways am I contributing to clutter in our marriage? How can I take ownership of this?

Next, come together with your spouse for a discussion.

Here are some prompts to guide your conversation:

1. Is there an issue that needs to be addressed or a complaint you’ve been holding back?
Let each other know, respectfully of course. Keep your mind open to hearing what your partner has to say. While dwelling on past behaviors isn’t always productive, it’s helpful to talk it out if you find yourself harboring feelings of resentment. Use “I statements” to say what you need to, then focus on how you can move forward.

2. Are there things you want to let go of or do differently, or areas in your marriage that have room for improvement?
Clutter tends to accumulate over time, and sometimes you just need to tidy up or clear away the things you no longer need. New seasons in your marriage can require shifting and realigning the way things work.

3. Are there things in your marriage that just need to be “thrown out”?
Maybe it’s some bad communication habits that have taken root or some unproductive patterns of conflict. When you identify things that clearly do not serve your relationship in a positive way, agree to put a stop to them ASAP and do your best to eliminate them.

4. What’s on your to-do list?
Decluttering your entire house all at once might be overwhelming, and the same applies to your marriage. Instead, break things down into smaller chunks. Start with 2 or 3 simple, actionable things you want to start doing. They might be related to things you’ve discussed above, or you might simply ask each other, “What is something I can do for you in our relationship?

In the same way that decluttering your living space brings calm and clarity, sweeping away the unresolved issues and obstacles in your relationship can restore harmony and give you a new perspective. Give yourselves permission to let go of what’s no longer helpful, realign as a team, and invest in making your marriage the best it can be.