Your Unique Language of Love

Your alarm goes off, you silence it quickly so it doesn’t wake your spouse, and creep out of bed. You close the door quietly and head downstairs to get the coffee going. You set out their favorite mug alongside yours, then go jump in the shower. As you open the bathroom door, the aroma of the breakfast your spouse just cooked wafts in. You head to the kitchen and they greet you with a smile and ask how you slept. They hand you a steaming cup of coffee with just the right amount of cream and sugar.

This might seem like just a typical morning, but you’re actually saying “I love you” in many different ways – even though neither of you have spoken the words aloud. How many examples can you pick out?

Everyday life is made up of these moments. Over time, we tend to take them for granted or do them out of habit. We don’t give them a second thought.

But what if we did?

You’ve probably heard of Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages, which breaks down the ways that people feel and express love into five different categories: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Generally, knowing each other’s love language can lead to a better understanding of each other’s needs and actions, as well as your own. This helps you both feel more fulfilled and cherished in your relationship. While this insight can be a real game-changer, not every expression of love between you always fits neatly into one of those five categories. In fact, if you look carefully, you’ll probably find that you’ve developed a special language of love that’s unique to your marriage alone.

It’s the little kindnesses, courtesies, and considerations that become just the way you do things, like trying not to wake them when you start your day earlier. It’s the care and concern you show by asking how they slept, or reminding them to bring an umbrella because the forecast shows rain. It’s knowing each other in both a deep and detailed way, and using this knowledge to initiate these subtle, yet sustaining expressions of love. And it all comes full circle when you can recognize them for what they are.

Take some time to reflect on the one-of-a-kind language of love that exists between you and your spouse. It can be hard to pinpoint, especially when it’s become such an ingrained, automatic part of your relationship. Here are some prompts to get you thinking:

• Mentally walk through your daily routines and interactions, similar to the example at the beginning of this post. What things do you do or consider with your spouse in mind?
• Go through your daily routines again, this time from the perspective of your spouse. In what ways are they expressing love? Have you noticed them before?
• How often do you acknowledge or show appreciation for these expressions. Is there room for improvement here?
• What role does intention play? When something becomes a habit, does it lose the intention behind it?
• Are there ways you can “expand the lexicon” of your unique language of love? In other words, how might you build new expressions of love into your everyday life?
• This one-of-a-kind language is not just comprised of things you do separately – it’s also conveyed through the unique rituals you do together, sort of like a dance. For example, maybe you have a little ritual for saying good night or a comedic routine for certain situations based on an inside joke from long ago. Can you think of any examples of this in your marriage?

Between the highs and lows of your marriage, there are countless ho-hum moments that, individually, you may not remember years down the road. But added all together, they ultimately form the fabric of your marriage.