It’s you and your spouse against the world.
A bit dramatic, right? While this notion can seem romantic in an angsty sort of way, it’s usually not true. However… there’s something to be said for feeling like you and your spouse can handle whatever life throws at you – as a team.
After all, throughout marriage, it’s easy to fall into a mindset that it’s you versus your spouse. Whether it’s their annoying habits, the issues you disagree on, or going through a season of lower connection, it can start to feel like you’re fighting against each other on everything. Suffice it to say, becoming entrenched in that dynamic is detrimental to your relationship.
So what if you used the “you and your spouse against the world” perspective to your advantage? Unsure what we mean? Here are three scenarios to make it work for you.
1. You and your spouse vs. the situation
Imagine a stressful, disappointing, or unexpected turn of events that you have no control over. Maybe everyone gets sick and you have to cancel the vacation you’ve been planning for a year. Or you fall and break your leg two days after your spouse’s shoulder surgery, and now you’re both laid up. Instead of taking your negative emotions (frustration, anger, stress) out on each other, it can be helpful to have something else to take the brunt of it – in this case the external situation. Unify behind how ridiculous your luck is, and help each other see the positive or humorous side of things. Maybe it’s a great excuse to enjoy couch potato time together and binge the shows you’ve had on your list, or being forced to slow down is actually just what you both need. Be a source of support and comfort for each other as you bond over the less-than-ideal situation.
2. You and your spouse vs. the kids
Okay, so you’re not really going against your children, so to speak. However, there are times as parents when remembering you’re on the same team as your spouse can make all the difference. Maybe your toddler is throwing a tantrum in public at the very same time your older child knocks over a gigantic product display. Or you’re both spent after an incredibly long day, making the bedtime routine feel like the last leg of a marathon. Instead of taking frustration, fatigue, and general feelings of overwhelm out on each other, try channeling it into being a good teammate to your spouse. Hype each other up and give each other the boost you both need to get through the parenting challenge.
3. You and your spouse vs. an imaginary third party
You’ve maybe seen this idea come across your social media feed. Instead of nagging each other about those mundane yet irritating things they do (or don’t do), come up with a fake character that you blame instead. Maybe it’s Chaz the Freeloading Roommate who never refills the Brita pitcher and forgets to fill the car up with gas. Or the mysterious Box Monster who leaves a pile of empty boxes in the garage instead of in the recycling bin. You or your spouse might joke, “Looks like Chaz is at it again!” Or “Oh no, the Box Monster was here!” When you can communicate about minor annoyances with a sense of humor, you can prevent things from degrading into an unnecessary argument while still gettin your point across. Just be sure you’re having real discussions and taking responsibility for deeper conflicts as necessary.
The whole principle behind this is remembering that you and your spouse are a team. While this is true all the time, leaning into this is especially helpful in situations when it’s easy to slip into the opposite way of thinking. Do you have scenarios in which you utilize “us against _______” thinking? Let us know in the comments!
Wonderful in encouraging insights. I will plan to Use some of the ideas in our relationship.
Well done, and glad to see you focusing on that most important topic for committed relationships: Teamwork.
Nothing should be done unilaterally.
From what I consider perhaps the best book on mature, consummate love, relationships, The Love Test by Harold Bessell, his Rule Three:
Rule Three: Teamwork Makes Love Work
Togetherness is a very complex thing.While people live together and are married in what is supposed to be a very close relationship, they often operate in totally separate spheres of action. They may be sharing the rent, the same apartment or home, even the same bed and supposedly the same lifetimes, but they aren’t really sharing at all. They are only married legally. Nothing about their individual actions marries them to the same time and space.
A great deal of damage is done by unilateral, independent actions. Love works only when the partners work together as a team. Teamwork makes love work. One-way decisions, made without the approval of the partner when the partner’s life is affected, are poison to a lasting relationship. In a good relationship, people really invest fully. They merge their physical energies and their skills, their social, emotional, and financial resources, and they function as a team.”
Wonderful analogy!
Thank you for the other contextual information as well as the book recommendation.
The most important thing to remember is to continue working ON the marriage. When we take a hiatus from the work, we find ourselves on other teams, and we both lose.
Thank you again!
Sometimes it is not easy, it appears easier said than done but once both of us are solution focused, it becomes possible.
Thanks.
This is a great article! Being on my third marriage, humor is a great way to handle conflict. My husband has a good sense of humor but it has definitely improved over time by using the humor method.
I personally rely on humor to weather the storms. Utilizing humor instead can help your partner from feeling overwhelmed or like they’re hearing a broken record. Nagging or reprimanding aren’t something that makes me feel good, nor do I want to hear that. Why would I want to cause further conflict with an already testy situation? With humor, we both laugh and 9 times out of 10 the situation is remedied.
Our song is by Coldplay, “Us Against the World.” It’s nice to see our thoughts on it validated!