Bonus Marriage Compatibility Points

What are the most important things to agree on in marriage? Typically you’re going to consider things like your values and beliefs, overall meshing of your personalities, and the general picture of what you want your future to look like – whether that includes a big family, career aspirations, living in a small town or a big city, etc. If you and your spouse differ significantly on these topics, it’s going to be difficult to plan a life together – to say the least.

But if you’re aligned on these big things, does that mean it’s all smooth sailing? Eh, not quite. You and your spouse will probably still disagree, albeit on things with lower stakes. That got us thinking…

What are those things that you definitely don’t have to agree on, but that just might make day-to-day life a whole lot easier if you did? Consider them sort of like bonus compatibility points in marriage. Let’s explore some examples.

Food

Are you and your spouse adventurous eaters, or do you both prefer your usual, predictable comfort foods? There is nothing wrong with either, but if you differ on this, you might have more disagreements on what’s for dinner or which restaurant to check out. The same goes for general dietary preferences or habits. And what about takeout? Do you consider it a treat or not a big deal?

Temperature

Do you and your spouse generally agree on what the thermostat is set at, or is it a constant tug of war on temperature? Do you believe in turning the AC or heat on the second it hits a certain degree, or do you ride it out for as long as you can? Different temperature preferences is a common sticking point for many married couples – are you one of them?

Entertainment

Do you enjoy similar types of music, movies, or shows? Do you agree on what should be playing in the car on a long trip – music, podcast, or audiobook? Do you go to the movie theater, or wait for streaming? Are concert tickets built into your yearly budget or is that not one of your priorities?

Sleeping

Of course there is the whole early bird/night owl dynamic, but what about sleeping temperature? Do you need a fan or white noise or do you opt for silence? Do you wake up quickly, or hit snooze on three different alarms? Do you like to cuddle throughout the night or would you rather keep to your space?

Cleanliness

When you say you’re going to clean the house, does that mean picking up all the clutter so that things look nice and tidy? Or is some clutter okay as long as the actual surfaces have been scrubbed down? What’s your tolerance for letting either go? It might seem like semantics, but you’d be surprised how different mindsets around this can manifest into arguments.

How many bonus points do you and your spouse score? If you’re on the same wavelength for many of these examples, that’s great! Your similarities probably lend to a general sense of harmony as you encounter these things in your daily life. If you differ on some or most of these things, then these tips can help you navigate your differences:

• Talk about them.
  Share your opinions and perspectives, and listen to your spouse’s to gain a better understanding of why they prefer one thing over the other. It doesn’t mean you need to try to persuade them to adopt your view or vice versa, but putting in the effort to understand each other better never hurts. If something is particularly important to you, let your spouse know.
• Be willing to compromise.
  In most of these scenarios, there is no right or wrong answer – it’s just a matter of personal preference. While it might be tempting to dig your heels in on something, having courtesy and respect for what your spouse wants sets a tone throughout your relationship. So be willing to meet each other in the middle whenever you can.
• Come up with unique solutions.
  Get creative when it comes to finding ways to meet both of your preferences or at least a happy medium. Maybe that means a special “system” for cleaning the house, taking turns choosing the movie or restaurant but each having one “veto” to use, or splitting the difference on the thermostat. Do what works for your marriage, even if it seems silly!
• Understand how having kids can complicate things.
  When it’s just you and your spouse to worry about, it’s one thing. But adding children to the mix adds a whole other layer of complexity, particularly when your preferences impact or are imposed upon them. In some cases, you might be more willing to flex and forgo your own wants. In others, you and your spouse might have to discuss what’s best for your children.
• Make sure to nurture your bond in other ways.
  If you’re opposites on most things, you’ll want to make sure you’re staying connected – and nurturing that connection – in other ways. If your emotional bond is strong, these differences are minor conflicts to overcome. But if you’re already feeling disconnected, they can create even more distance.

These minor points of contention are typically not dealbreakers when it comes to determining who you’ll spend the rest of your life with. If you and your spouse are lucky enough to have many of these things in common, enjoy that luxury! And if you find yourselves bickering about any of these topics, you’re not alone. As you learn to manage your differences, take pride in the fact that that you’re also gaining skills that will benefit your marriage as a whole.