Did you take a relationship assessment before you got married? For many of you, the answer is (hopefully) yes. Have you taken one since? The odds are less likely.
We understand – a lot of that pre-wedding stuff can feel like boxes to be checked off before the big day. If that resonates with you, we challenge and encourage you to think of it as the start of a journey together, and in that vein, the assessment as a tool to help you take stock of things along that journey. Yes, that means taking an assessment throughout your marriage.
Need more convincing? Here are five reasons you should say keep saying yes to assess(ment):
1. Relationships are dynamic.
People change and grow over time, and so do relationships. Where you were a year ago is not where you’ll be today, and where you are today is not where you’ll be five years from now. So even if you took an assessment as part of your premarital counseling, consider that a snapshot of a moment in time.
2. You’ll experience immediate relationship benefits.
You’re reading that right. The act of simply taking an assessment is beneficial to your relationship. Early research using the Prepare/Enrich assessment saw couples experiencing significant relationship improvements as a result of answering the questions without any follow-up feedback. How is that possible? Well, answering questions about your relationship gets you both of you thinking, reflecting, and talking about your relationship, all prerequisites for positive change.
3. They can help get you unstuck.
If you and your spouse feel like you’re in a rut, going in circles on the same old issues, an assessment can provide just the insight you need to make progress and see things from a new perspective. You might learn something new about yourself or your partner that suddenly helps you better understand where the other is coming from. Maybe you didn’t even realize your partner’s feeling disconnected from you lately (the Prepare/Enrich assessment will show this!) and that suddenly makes your clashes around outside social engagements make a lot more sense. Assessments can help you pinpoint those areas of misalignment that can be hard to put your finger on.
4. They illuminate blind spots.
It’s common to have areas of your relationship that you just don’t talk about as much as you should. Whether you avoid them because you know they’re contentious or they’re simply not on your radar, an assessment can highlight areas that you might be overlooking. Maybe you’ll be pleasantly surprised that it’s actually a strength for you, or maybe you’ll be forced to acknowledge it’s an area you could grow. Either way, it’s beneficial for your relationship in the long run.
5. They help you see your progress.
Most of us have looked back at old photographs and been wowed by the way we’ve changed. Or maybe you’ve read through an old journal and thought, “I’ve come a long way!” Similarly, periodically taking a relationship assessment can help you objectively see the way your relationship has grown and changed over time. It’s often hard to see it when we’re in the thick of things. It might not feel like you’ve gotten anywhere! But when you’re able to take a step back and actually see changes quantified on a page, it can give you a newfound sense of confidence in your resilience and strength as a couple.
Yes, a relationship assessment was probably an item on your premarital to-do list, but it can be so much more than that. Think of it as a personal trainer for your relationship – it’s going to show you what to need to work on to get stronger as a couple.
Want to know more about how the right assessment can help couples build successful marriages and keep them strong?
The new book, Helping Couples, is a collaboration between Dr. David H. Olson and Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, founders of the two largest marriage assessments, Prepare/Enrich and SYMBIS. It’s a handbook of proven strategies for counselors, coaches, and clergy who work with engaged and married couples to both prepare for a healthy, lifelong marriage, and to nurture existing marriages. Learn more >>
Is there any “assessment” that a potential couple to take before dating or investing time and effort in to a relationship? Like, a Pre-courtship assessment??
Elaine, I have been using the Prepare-Enrich assessment for quite a while and believe it would be great for dating couples too. In my opinion, I wouldn’t want to rule someone out through an assessment before getting to know them. This assessment covers so many facets of a relationship and would be beneficial to any and all stages of courtship, dating, engaged, married, empty nest, blended, etc.
My now-wife & I did the full PREPARE/ENRICH test and met with a trained counselor and his wife (also an experienced counselor) as a part of our P/E experience for 4 sessions. We had been dating five months and wondering about marriage so we considered it PRE-engagement counseling and a critical part of our journey together since we were both previously married. We got engaged a couple months later.
Elaine, some of the dating sites have great questions to check for compatibility of lifestyle & values before you start dating. I really like eharmony’s and elite singles’s assessments. The Prepare Enrich has more questions that relate specifically to the way that you and the other person connect. You’d have to already have some sort of a relationship with the person in order to answer many of the questions. My hubs and I used elite singles to meet and then prepare enrich once we were engaged.
It is very interesting that a potential couples to take before marriage time and successfuin to relationship? Like a pre- courtship assessmen?
The first assessment that I recommend is to ask the person-of-interest “Are you a Christian?”.
Excellent advice!!
How do I take an assessment now ? My husband and I never taken one , not even during premarital counseling .
Michelle, Just connect with a facilitator in your area and they can help! There are pastors and coaches in various areas of the country. Many of us can also work nationally with Zoom so lots of opportunity. There is also a couple check up option but the assessment is more fully experiential with coaching and mentoring.