Is it just us or does the statement, “Don’t get so defensive!” seem to have the same effect as when someone tells you, “Just try to relax!”
In other words, it makes you feel the opposite of what’s intended – more defensive, less relaxed.
Unfortunately, defensiveness can be a catalyst for negative communication patterns. It can make it hard to talk through issues and be open, authentic, and vulnerable with each other.
Sometimes our defensiveness is our own doing, and sometimes it’s just a natural response to protect ourselves if we’re feeling attacked or exposed. And that’s why if we want to decrease defensiveness, it’s not just one person that needs to put in the effort – it’s a two-way street.
Lane 1: Taking a look at ourselves
Often, we react defensively before we can even register why. It makes sense – we want to armor ourselves when we’re feeling vulnerable. Take a minute to think about the times you’ve had a strong emotional reaction to something your partner said or did. Was it related to an insecurity you have? Something you’re feeling guilty about? Ashamed? Hurt or angry? It can be liberating to simply acknowledge the fact that yep, I’m human and I feel really insecure/guilty/angry, etc. about _____. Sharing this with your partner increases connection and gives them insight they may not have had before. But this doesn’t mean you’re never going to to react defensively – it’s still going to happen. Being aware of what triggers you allows you to pause in the moment, take a deep breath, and say, “I’m sorry I just snapped at you. I feel insecure about ____.”
Lane 2: Making the effort for our partner
On the other side of road is the environment we create for our partner – is it safe and non-judgmental or do they feel like they might be attacked? Just as lowering our defenses and acknowledging our triggers can take a conscious effort, so does taking steps to make our partner feel safe and respected. This might mean being very mindful of your tone or how you’re bringing up a topic with them. What you say matters, but so does how you say it. It might also mean resisting the urge to interrupt or reply with a counterpoint or criticism. Interestingly, our ability to do these things also requires us to feel safe and respected in our own right.
The reality is, we’re in both lanes simultaneously, which can seem like… a lot. But there is comfort in knowing that you’re both making a genuine effort for each other and your relationship. You’re not walking this street alone.
This is so helpful and true! Once you can take that responsibility and talk about the feelings/insecurities – our humanness wants to be close. Keep working at this, it’s never over, in my mind!! We’ve been married for 52 years and still get trapped.
Thank you for the post. My ex-husband was critical of how I went about daily chores, so I tend to overreact if my now-husband asks an honest question about something I’m doing. The question may be in my best interest (“Do you want the heat that high on the fish?”), but I will hear that as, “You don’t know how to cook fish, do you?” Thank you for reminding me to consider the source and intention behind the question so that I don’t get defensive in the first place.
Very pertinent to us at the moment. My husband can get quite excitable when explaining a point and I close up because I don’t want to argue. I react to the tone of his voice. He says he is just trying to explain a point. We both need to address this issue somehow.
Yes, a very good topic. I wanted to talk about my children, but as soon as he starts talking, I feel like I’m not a good parent. Or anytime he starts a sentence with a “WHY”.
I want to thank you for this post, this was very insightful and rather useful.
Reminds me of the peppered eggs scenario from Love and Respect.
Proverbs 12:1, “Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates reproof is stupid. ” Who wants to be thought of as stupid? The more a person uses restraint in defending themselves and seeks to understand, the easier it becomes to be humble and the more rewarding relationships are. If we seek to defend ourselves then in essence we are saying we have no need to be taught and grow.
Oftentimes my husband says I’m being defensive but I am just trying to explain why I did or said something. The more I try to explain because what he’s saying isn’t true, the more he says I’m being defensive. Is me trying to explain, defensive?
Michelle, it is so interesting reading this! I am on the opposite side of this. I am on the receiving end. Nearly every time I tell my husband that I didn’t like the way he did or said something to me, he instantly begins explaining why he did it. In a high-pitched voice, he says “Well, I was just!…” “How could I have known?!!?” And the other night, after he started listing countless examples of why he was confused at my question, I said “Oh, not right now.” I knew he was going to begin defending why he was confused, or why he said something the way he did. He was very angry at my dismissal (rightfully so,) but the point is, I didn’t need to hear WHY he did or said something. All I needed to hear, in that situation, was “I’m confused at what you’re trying to tell me,” or “wait, what?” in a calm, clear, direct tone of voice. I didn’t need to UNDERSTAND WHY he was confused or upset. If I need to understand why, I will ask him. It is my job to seek to understand him. Just like it is HIS job to seek to understand me. When he is explaining his point of view, he is not seeking to understand mine, and vice versa. So, explaining can sometimes feel like justifying one’s own righteousness in a situation, (or giving excuses, depending on the context,) instead of laying down a need to be understood or justified in order to leave room to understand why the other person may see something differently or be upset or negatively impacted by what happened. My husband says he is only intending on clarifying what he did/said so that I don’t take it personally, or so that I understand what happened better. But again, if I need to know, I will ask. What I am asking for in the situation is either an apology, a way to continue moving forward with what we are doing, or a solution. Sometimes, I don’t even ask of anything, and wasn’t even taking anything negatively!! Personally, when I feel the need to explain myself to him, I have realized it is coming from a need to feel validated or accepted because I was insecure or ashamed of what I was doing (which may not be the case for everyone.) When I am explaining why I am right or justified in doing something differently, I am assuming that the other person doesn’t trust me enough to accept it regardless of an explanation. I am not trusting the other person to ask for clarification, and assuming they will judge me unfairly if they do not know why I do the things I do. For me, that comes from trauma in my past, when I was criticized all the time. Anyway, I hope my experience may bless you and your family! Please ask for clarification if needed! A solution I would like to implement in my household is giving the other person the chance to ask WHY, otherwise, give them the apology or answer they are looking for. And when they do ask WHY, give them the benefit of the doubt and assume first that they are asking in order to seek to understand better. The bible says to assume the best of one another. Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres…
I am the one who gets defensive most often. In my past I would be grilled about why I did/did not do something, or forced to apologize and own things that I knew I did not need to own. So now, whenever I am asked why and I answer and then that answer is not satisfactory or I do not use the right words, then I get defensive and I begin to spiral into explanations and trying to be heard and be understood. What I feel is that I am in an emotional state and my partner does not seem to care or notice that being repeatedly asked why and being given a play-by-play of the facts or events just puts me into an immediate state of anxiety. They are fixated on getting the facts out and finding the answer to their “why” question. Sometimes it is not that black and white and my why is not what they want to hear. So what a black-and-white-stick to the facts person wants to hear is not always the communication style of the other person. So both end up frustrated.
“I don’t need to hear_________” from my partner doesn’t tell me what they DO want to hear. And I have been interpreting this as, what you said is wrong. You said the wrong thing and I am not listening to this. I am not going to accept what you say until it is what I want to hear, with the words I need to hear. And so I will ask, “what do you need me to say or do to make this ok?” And that doesn’t work either. I feel I get caught into a no-matter-what-I-say-it-won’t-be-right kind of situation.
I know my triggers and I have shared these with my partner, and I still don’t feel listened to or understood. Their way of wanting to get information is so rigid that I can’t provide a satisfactory response.
Fixing communication is a two-way street.
This is a hot topic for my marriage. We often speak to each other with a inappropriate tone and trigger a defensive posture. Being aware is helpful however we need much more help if we are going to be happy married.
Need a lot of help in this department.
An inappropriate tone is my trigger. I respond defensively or inappropriately back. How can I be tone deaf?
It is difficult to evaluate objectively, and sometimes there are nice, maybe insecure people, who are with unfair, narcissistic or borderline personality partners.
Here’s an example of one situation: there is the partner who usually initiates the criticisms, therefore the other person is on the defensive. Sometimes those same people will ask WHY and when the defender starts to answer, they will talk over them and ask another question and when the person tries to answer, they will interrupt again and raise their voice a little until finally the defender loses control emotionally, and yells, which is exactly what the initiator wants so they can say they are the bad guy.
Now maybe you’re the constantly accused. Maybe your partner IS tired of you always making excuses because you can never see that you are wrong and meet them halfway. If you BOTH can lean in to the middle instead of trying to pull the other person into line with you in order to meet them halfway, it can work. Reasonable people act fairly, but you have to be willing to be honest, take responsibility for your own actions. If the other person is reasonable enough to try to come to an agreement and both sides can admit they’re partially wrong, then it can work, but if you have one side that is always unreasonable and things always have to be on their terms, it won’t work.