“Hard work beats talent when talent doesn’t work hard.” Have you heard this quote? Although it originated in the context of sports and athletic talent, the idea can be applied to relationships as well. Sure, we don’t usually think of couples as being talented in the art of marriage, per se. What’s more common is the idea that certain couples or individuals are lucky in love – that they’re so perfectly matched and have such good fortune, they don’t have to put any work into having a happy and satisfying relationship; it just comes naturally. They can just coast on their luck (in love), so to speak. What do you think? Do some couples have it this good? Do you feel like you and your partner fall into this category?
Whether you observe other couples who make marriage seem effortless or have felt it yourself at some point, the truth is that even the most harmonious marriages require hard work, in one form or another, if the couple wants to grow and stay truly connected over time. In fact, it could be argued that couples who’ve had more obstacles and issues to overcome, but who put in the work, end up having more resilient relationships than couples who rely on their “luck.”
Why is that?
Let’s revisit the realm of sports. Sure, truly elite athletes usually possess natural talent, but they also exhibit characteristics like determination, perseverance, dedication, and discipline. Instead of feeling like they can let up on training when they’re performing at their best, they continue to look for ways they can improve. And it pays off, especially when they’re faced with obstacles or adversity, like coming back from injury, pulling out a come-from-behind win, or simply facing an opponent who is better than them.
In marriage (and life), it’s easy to glide along on luck/talent when things are all rainbows and unicorns, but what happens when you and your spouse face adversity? How do you bounce back from the loss of a job, a debilitating health issue, or even just a really big fight? This is when you rely on the work you’ve put in.
What is the “work”?
Instead of late nights at the gym or on the court, the work in marriage comes in various forms: commitment, self-awareness, and continuously working on fundamental relationship skills like communication and conflict resolution. It’s understanding that there’s no magical point in time where you’ll have it all figured out, and being willing to put in the ongoing effort to stay invested and connected through the ebbs and flows of life. It’s being comfortable getting uncomfortable as you work through tough issues instead of sweeping them over the rug and settling into complacency. It’s continuing to learn about yourself and each other in order to grow as a couple.
But seriously though, some marriages are just more likely to succeed, right?
Some teams or athletes are straight up more talented than others, and no matter how hard the underdog works, they may still come up short. This is undoubtedly true. And it can definitely seem like some couples are better set up for success than others. Perhaps they are lucky, in a sense. Maybe they’re just naturally better communicators, had really good relationship role models growing up, or are highly emotionally intelligent. But let’s take a second to ask, what does success look like? Assuming for the sake of this post that we’re talking about couples who stay married, what does it look like to “win”? The reality is, every couple has different strengths and struggles, so it’s going to look different in every marriage, and even at different points throughout that marriage. Even the “lucky” couples might struggle in areas that the underdog couples have mastered through continuous hard work and effort.
The idea of being lucky in love sounds sweet, but when it comes to having a dynamic, resilient marriage, relying only on luck isn’t quite enough. Consider that naturally talented athlete who gets lazy with training – they’re not living up to how great they could have been. You can apply the same idea to your marriage. The work you put into it becomes the foundation you fall back on when you and your spouse are faced with adversity.
Thanks for the post. We found that to be true when we went through infertility. It was so dark. But thanks to lessons learnt, the honesty, the learning how hear each other’s pain being committed, even when this ‘isn’t what I thought marriage would be like’ are all what we fall back on now 16 years on. Marriage is so dynamic, because we are as people we’re learning all the time. Thanks again.
What an educational article. Work beats talent. No matter how talented you are, you most put in hard work to get acquired results.
We are celebrating our 60th wedding anniversary this month and what you said is so true! We have been through many real crises, even a life changing event, but we have survived and grown for several reasons. First make sure you truly love the person you’re marrying because you may not always like him/her or what they are doing, you will always love them. Second, living through those very difficult times is based on 3 things: Faith, Family & Friends. Hang in there everyone, it only gets better!
I was sent this by my wife, and she felt as though we are lucky in love, as do I. We have been to a few marriage based classes and felt they were detrimental to our marriage. Why? Too much focus on marriage. If you are focused on the marriage you aren’t living with your spouse. I see most often that people who struggle in their marriages usually love what they get from their spouse, instead of just who they are. I love my wife because of who she is. That’s it. The other stuff is by-products. I love her. Jesus said the same essentially, “if you love Me, you will keep My commandments.” To love your spouse will result inevitably toward pleasing them without their say. When the Bible says love your wife as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her, that is love. Love your wife means to give all of your heart to them, men. Women are emotionally intelligent and can tell when you are faking it to try and get them to be flattered, or if you really love them from the bowels, as the OT puts it. Do you really love your spouse, or do you love what they bring you? Loving what they bring you is selfish, and it’s no wonder you struggle. You want the other to provide for your fleshly lusts that God says to crucify. If both of you are in the Word everyday and work on killing sin in your life by way of the Holy Spirit, then you will be able to see clearly. You will be able to tell if what you’re frustrated about is really your desires not being gratified (James 4:1-4) by your spouse. THAT’S NOT LOVE. If you don’t love them and only love what they bring…duh, you will struggle. People who’s love languages are receiving gifts and acts of service usually struggle in their marriages because of these things. Quality time, physical touch, and soft words are the best for marriage. It doesn’t matter what they do for you or what they buy you when you just want them. Read that last sentence again and be mindful of your sin. When you just want your spouse, you want to tell her you love her, you want to be with her, and you want to touch her. The most selfish people are all about what others do for them, or buy for them.
I really love my wife and enjoy doing things that please her. Also it says I the Bible to love your wife as you love yourself-she is part of you, the most important part of you, so you should love her as yourself.
Lucky you.
Married people are very extremely lucky and blessed when they met one another, to be together with their families when many others like us were very punished by God to be single and alone when it wasn’t our choice at all either.
But then again, that is why God is a real filthy evil rotten scumbag to punish many of us other single people for no reason at all. It wasn’t my choice to be a single man in the first place. Go figure.
Now that so many women nowadays feel very entitled with their very unusual unrealistic expectations and standards which makes it very difficult for many of us single guys trying to find love today. Most of these very pathetic women just expect the best of all and will never ever settle for less do to their greed and selfishness.