You track the stats of your favorite athletes and sports teams. You monitor your daily sleep and activity score on your watch or phone. Heck, you even tally points during a friendly game of Scrabble. Wouldn’t it also make sense to keep score in your marriage?
Most of us probably know the correct answer is no, but that doesn’t mean we don’t do it from time to time, even subconsciously. Maybe you’re keeping a mental tally of how often you’ve done one of your spouse’s usual chores, logging how much time they’ve spent on a solo hobby, or tracking how many times they’ve gotten up with the baby. Scorekeeping comes in many forms, but they all have one thing in common:
They sabotage any sense of being a team.
Why? Well, when you focus on specific numbers or quantities being “even,” it shifts your mindset to “you vs. your spouse.” Are you doing more around the house than they are? Do they get to go out with their friends more often? Have you “won” more arguments lately?
But here’s the thing – marriage isn’t about giving and getting in equal and specific amounts. Instead, there will be times you carry more of the load and times that your spouse does. It’s part of the ebb and flow of marriage; the understanding that you have each other’s back and are there to lift each other up when you need it – no matter what.
So why do we do it?
Keeping score can seem like an easy solution to your problems. If everything is equal, then there shouldn’t be anything to be upset about, and you’d be satisfied, right? Not quite. The truth is it’s usually not just about the “thing” you’re keeping track of. The tendency to keep score often sprouts from a bigger underlying issue that is causing – you guessed it – resentment. For instance, are you feeling like you need more quality time together? Do you need to make some adjustments to how responsibilities are divided? Are you feeling burnt out it in a certain aspect of your life? Is there an unaddressed issue you need to bring up with your spouse? Once you understand the connection between keeping score and resentment, you’re in a better position to get to the root of the problem.
What can you do instead?
Next time you catch yourself keeping score in your marriage, take some time to reflect on what’s really going on. If you’re not sure right off the bat, it can help to work backwards from the thing you’re keeping score on. For example, are you really mad about that particular thing or do your feelings stem from an underlying issue that’s related to it? Once you’ve pinpointed the source, it’s time to ask yourself if you’ve actually talked to you spouse about it. If not, then make that a priority. They might not even realize they’ve made a mistake or that you’re upset. If you’ve brought it up with them before, then this might indicate an ongoing issue that requires more attention from you both. Pulling yourself out of the scorekeeping mindset and seeing the problem from a broader perspective is the first step toward working together to come up with a solution.
Keeping score can seem harmless, until you’ve become entrenched in the “you versus your spouse” way of thinking. Learning to identify and address the actual issue in order to do what’s best for your marriage is the best way to come out ahead.
This is spot-on. I find myself keeping score when I start feeling burned out, which certainly leads to resentment and a mental belittling of my spouse’s actions. I have realized over our marriage that I sometimes need a pitty party with Jesus and myself when I’m drained–those dishes become a huge deal when I feel like I’ve done them five times in a day and there are still some in the sink! How dramatic. haha
I started getting better about this when I came to terms that my husband and I have different chore giftings. I can and will do any chore in the household, but struggle with letting go of control in how I envision those things getting done. When I started actually asking for his help and letting go of that control to be grateful he was participating in caring for our home and kiddos, it took off some of my perceived burden and freed me up to do what I was better at. Now, I still don’t always like what I’m better at (like bathing the kids and the tedius task of braiding their hair; or folding and putting away laundry), but I get to affirm the tasks he chooses to tredge through for the betterment of our household, too. I know he doesn’t love dishes, but he will absolutely make sure they’re done.
A helpful way of keeping score for us, gently, is giving each other pockets of time to get out of the house and pursue other things away from the family. That might look like me attending a gardening seminar one Saturday, or him settling in at a local cafe to work on his novel. We keep track insofar as to ensure that one another is getting a release from the slightly chaotic nature of our current life season with jobs, kiddos, extra curricular schedules, and hosting an additional person at our house for a few months (which is its own separate subject altogether). Keeping score can be helpful when you’re doing it for the good; but boy, it can be detrimental if doing it for the wrong intentions.