5 Tips for Setting the Right Tone

It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.

Chances are, you’ve been on the receiving end of a snarky tone. You’ve probably even been the one dishing it out on occasion. The words themselves can be completely innocuous, but the tone with which they’re delivered can be the difference between a friendly, affectionate exchange and an escalating argument. We might think that our actual words should be most important, but the truth is, tone matters.

When it comes to communicating with your spouse, there are multiple ingredients that need to come together in the right way. If your words are the main protein, then things like tone and body language are the spices and seasonings you add that can make or break the dish. Here are 5 things to keep in mind when it comes to setting the tone:

1. Embrace the power of the pause.

Sometimes your spouse might say something that elicits an emotional response from you. Your knee jerk reaction is to respond in a frustrated, annoyed, exasperated, etc. way. It’s easy to do it – it takes no thought or restraint. But is it the best choice? Probably not. As in most moments fueled by emotion, things can quickly go awry. Instead of being reactive, take a few seconds to pause, gain control of your feelings, and respond with more intention.

2. Do you need to decompress?

Sometimes you might be riled up from a situation unrelated to your spouse, but they catch you in the middle of it. For example, if the kids are bouncing off the walls, the dog is barking, you’re completely overstimulated, and your spouse walks in asking how your day was, you might respond more sharply than warranted. Or if you just got done dealing with a stressful work situation and have been speaking sternly all day, you might need a few minutes to transition to “at-home” mode. Let your spouse know you just need a second to decompress so you can interact with them the way you really want to.

3. Ask for a do-over.

Let’s be real. You’re going to be reactive from time to time, and that’s okay. You’re human, after all. But just because you’re unable to control your tone from the start doesn’t mean you’re doomed to a fight. When you recognize that you’ve snapped at your spouse or replied in a way you didn’t intend, correct the course of the interaction by asking for a do-over. You might say something like, “I’m sorry, that’s not how I wanted to respond to you. Can I try that again?” By identifying and correcting your mistake quickly, you can avoid veering into an argument, hurt feelings, and disconnection.

4. Sarcasm can be tricky.

Maybe you have a sarcastic sense of humor, and your spouse is used to that. Typically they laugh right alongside you, but in the wrong context, mood, or situation, the dry tone they usually find funny can hit in the wrong way. You might know you’re just joking, but they might take it personally, feel hurt, or get offended. Be mindful of whether your spouse is in the right headspace to receive your sarcasm in a humorous way. If you’re unsure, consider taking the edge off of your tone just a bit.

5. The listener bears responsibility, too.

Of course, communication is a two-way street. That means the listener also has a hand in how those aforementioned ingredients come together. In sticking with that analogy, your assumptions about your spouse’s intent or attitude behind their words are like already having other food in your mouth when you’re tasting the dish. Your perception is going to be skewed, and that can lead to misinterpretation, misunderstandings, and unnecessary conflict. Whether it’s a bad mood, insecurities, personal triggers, or defensiveness that prompts you to take a perceived tone personally, try to avoid jumping to conclusions about what your spouse really meant.

Most of the time as you and your spouse are bantering back and forth, you’re not thinking too much about your tone – until you are. Whether yours or your spouse’s hits the wrong note, it can send your interaction into a tailspin and lead to unnecessary conflicts. Avoid the worst of it by keeping these tips in mind.