Scrap These Marriage Myths Today

Are you engaged, newly married, or even just hoping to be one day? Chances are, you’ve probably got some preconceived notions about what marriage will be – or should be – like. It’s understandable. Whether it’s through TV, social media, or the internet in general, we’re inundated by different representations of marriage like never before. From the sensationalized and often short-lived celebrity marriages, to the dramatic ultimatums of reality shows, to the relatively normal marriage of your neighbors down the street, it’s hard to know what is actually real and healthy. You can jump in blindly, but having realistic expectations will help you feel happier and more empowered in your marriage. Let’s take a look at three marriage myths you should scrap today.

Myth #1: Marriage means a loss of freedom.

This is one of those cliché, negative ideas about marriage that just won’t go away. We often hear jokes about couples having to give up their wild and carefree adventures for boring weekend projects, completely change their spending habits, or accept having their spouse approve all their plans. It’s exacerbated by things like bachelor/bachelorette parties, and the idea that partners need one last hurrah before being “tied down” by marriage. The jokes are typically all in good fun and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with bachelor/bachelorette parties if that’s your thing. What is potentially detrimental is going into marriage with the mindset that you’re giving up something good for something less than. It might seem cool in some circles to harbor this negative perspective on marriage, but most happily married couples will tell you this is simply not true. Mindset matters!

While being married does mean you’ll largely make decisions and plans as a team, it doesn’t mean you’re going to lose all autonomy in some sort of marriage prison. Instead, you and your spouse can have a healthy, balanced relationship that allows you to flourish as individuals and as a couple. Sure, maybe you can’t live as spontaneously and off-the-cuff as you used, but living out your commitment to each other adds depth and possibilities to your life that you would not experience otherwise.

Myth #2: If it’s meant to be, it should feel easy.

If your marriage was truly meant to be, it shouldn’t feel like a struggle, right? Uh, not so much. This is a common misconception – that if you fight a lot or have a lot of things to work through, it means your marriage is doomed. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. The strongest marriages are the ones in which spouses recognize their marriage is a constant work in progress. They work on themselves just as much as their ongoing issues as a couple. They don’t shy away from conflict or see it as a sign to start packing it in. Instead, it’s an opportunity to grow together and strengthen their connection.

The reality is that you will go through seasons that are just plain hard, where even simple, daily interactions feel like they could turn into a fight. Maybe it’s going through a relationship-straining experience, like becoming parents or weathering an unexpected crisis. Maybe you’re not communicating well and can’t get on the same page. Maybe complacency and resentment have taken root. It’s all normal, and it doesn’t mean you married the wrong person. The key is that you recognize it and take intentional steps to get back on course. Intention – and getting comfortable with facing issues head on, even when it’s easier in the moment to avoid them – will propel you through those challenging times and help you come out even stronger on the other side.

Myth #3: Your spouse should meet all your needs.

Once you’re married, all you need is each other. There’s something romantic about this idea, but it might just be a little too romantic. Yes, your spouse will likely be one of the most important people in your life, and they will (hopefully) work to fulfill a lot of your core needs. But in order to avoid an unbalanced, codependent relationship, it’s healthy for both of you to nurture external relationships with friends, family, coworkers mentors, etc., as well as individual, hobbies and interests, and goals. This helps you both maintain your own sense of self within your marriage, instead of gradually merging into one person. A sense of oneness in marriage is important, but it needs to be balanced by a healthy level of separateness

One important thing to remember when it comes to this sense of balance is that it’s going to look different throughout the course of your marriage. As newlyweds, you’re establishing your identity as a married couple and probably focusing the majority of your energy and attention on each other as you start your life together. During this time you might not spend as much time doing things separately – this is normal. During another phase, you might be busy building your career or parenting young children, and it may seem like other priorities are competing with your spouse – this is normal, too. The important thing is that you’re intentional about staying emotionally connected and keeping communication flowing through it all.

There are many preconceived notions you might have about marriage, and some are more realistic than others. As in many situations, it’s helpful to know what to actually expect, balancing optimism with realism. By scrapping these myths, you’ll have a better understanding of what really goes into a strong marriage – and the invaluable benefits you’ll reap as a result.