Money has a way of bringing up issues in a marriage that have nothing to do with dollars and cents – ingrained family dynamics, differing values, and unspoken expectations. It’s one of the most common sources of tension between couples, but it doesn’t have to be. Here are a few key principles to help you and your spouse better understand how money affects your marriage and get on the same page.
1. Remember that money is about more than just spending and saving.
It’s natural to think of money as a practical, black and white matter – it comes in, it goes out, you stayed on budget or you didn’t. But that’s only part of the picture. Money can also be deeply emotional – tied to early memories, family patterns, and personal meaning (security, status, control) that shape how each of you relates to it. If you’re looking to get to the root of your differences, here are three specific conversations to have with your spouse.
2. Your differences don’t have to be a dead end.
When you and your spouse see money completely differently, it can feel like you’re worlds apart, with no path to bridging that gap. The good news? Your differences can actually be an opportunity to grow closer. The key is seeing them as something to learn from, rather than a problem to solve or an argument to win. Read more here.
3. Your money mindset traces back to your parents.
Long before you ever opened a joint account or argued over a big purchase, your parents were modeling what money means. Did it represent security, status, control, or enjoyment?. Those inherited values go on to shape your financial expectations as an adult, which is why aligning on money with your spouse is often much more complex than just agreeing on a budget. Explore more about the influence your upbringing has on the way you approach money, conflict, and more here.
4. Recognize the assumptions you carried into marriage.
Before marriage, it’s easy to sidestep any big money conflicts. Once you’re married, the stakes go up, and so does the need to actually address those issues that have been bubbling beneath the surface. Newlyweds tend to carry expectations about finances into marriage without realizing it. Identifying and discussing these early on can help you avoid bigger conflict down the road. Read more about money and other common newlywed arguments here.
5. Let go of the 50/50 myth.
Financial responsibilities are rarely an even split on paper. One of you may earn more, handle the bill-paying, or carry more of the money-related mental load during certain seasons, and that is perfectly fine and normal. The important thing is that you’re both comfortable with your respective roles, versus just falling into them and sticking it out even when it’s not working. Minimize resentment by focusing more on the bigger picture and less on tallying up numbers and tasks. Read more about the 50/50 split in marriage here.
Fighting about money with your spouse is rarely just about money. It’s about the values, past experiences, and expectations each of you brings to the table. Getting on the same page starts with gaining a better understanding of those things and how they show up in your marriage today. Which of these might help you and your spouse get more aligned on money?
Want a clearer picture of whether you and your spouse are aligned on finances? Take the Prepare/Enrich assessment to see your relationship’s strength and growth areas.
Girlfriend pays tithes plus first fruits; boyfriend does not. In premarital counseling, boyfriend is trying to stop the girlfriend from giving 20% thinking it is too much or that the GF should be more flexible with paying less in the event some life events occur. The GF makes perfectly clear she won’t budge, and she is upset the BF is trying to persuade her otherwise. How does the therapist assist the couples to navigate through this?
I believe this issue involves religious beliefs, personal values, and financial expectations. As a therapist, I would help the couple explore what tithing and first fruits mean to each of them and why this disagreement matters. Although it may seem like a small issue now, it could become a significant source of conflict in marriage if they do not address it openly.
I would encourage them to discuss how they envision managing finances as a married couple, including whether giving will come from individual income or shared funds, how they will handle unexpected financial difficulties, and how they will make financial decisions together. While marriage often requires compromise and understanding, compromise should not mean that either partner feels pressured to abandon deeply held religious beliefs or that the other must disregard legitimate financial concerns.
My goal would be to facilitate a conversation in which both partners feel heard and respected. Rather than persuading the girlfriend to give less or expecting the boyfriend to accept the arrangement without discussion, I would help them explore whether they can develop a mutually acceptable financial plan that honours her faith commitments while addressing their shared financial responsibilities. Ultimately, they need to determine whether they can respect each other’s convictions and work together despite their differences.