It’s often said that in order to love someone else, you need to love yourself first. You might think just involves having a healthy sense of self-worth and generally liking yourself as a person, and that is part of it for sure. But truly loving yourself goes deeper than this. It involves really understanding who you are – the good, the bad, and everything in between. And although it’s somewhat counterintuitive, looking inward can actually improve your marriage. It’s true! Here are three key areas in which learning more about yourself can make you a better spouse.
1. Your hotspots and insecurities
Everyone has issues or topics that they’re sensitive about. They can stem from childhood, past experiences or trauma, unresolved conflicts, or other emotional and mental struggles. While the source can vary greatly, they usually all have one thing in common: they elicit some kind of reaction when they’re touched upon. You might get defensive and lash out, become overly emotional and sensitive, or even just shut down and withdraw. If you’re unaware of these triggers, you might feel very out-of-control or powerless in the moment. But when you start to understand them – what they are and even where they stem from – you can start to recognize when you’re reacting to them emotionally. Then you can learn to take control in those moments, so that you’re responding with intention instead of reacting. This is a game-changer in terms of how you interact with your spouse, and it can even help you avoid unnecessary conflict. Why? You’re better able to take a step back and check yourself instead of saying something you regret or responding in a way that escalates the interaction into a fight.
Keep in mind, there will still be times when you’ll react in ways you maybe wish you hadn’t. After all, you’re human. But understanding your hotspots enables you to say, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have reacted that way. I was getting defensive because I’m insecure about that.” This powerful skill not only transforms the way you communicate with your spouse, it also fosters a cycle of empathy. When you understand your own triggers, you are better positioned to communicate them to your spouse and help them understand where you’re coming from. Instead of being blindsided or in the dark about your sensitive topics, they can be more empathetic towards you as well.
2. Key personality traits
When it comes to gaining a better understanding of your personality, there are a myriad of different personality assessments out there right now. Most of them can provide you with some great insight about different aspects of your personality, giving you a fuller understanding of yourself overall. Many will assign you a “type” or tell you you’re a “this” or a “that”, and that can be helpful to some extent. But what can lend even more to your self-awareness is understanding how your personality traits tend to manifest when they’re in balance versus out of balance.
Generally speaking, personality types and traits tend to have both positive and negative facets. When you’re in balance – feeling good mentally, emotionally, and physically, etc. – the positives tend to shine through. When you’re out of balance, which can occur under stress or other situations when you might not be functioning at your best, the negatives can become more dominant. For example, if you’re normally a very organized person, you might come across as controlling when you’re stressed out. Being aware of this can help you recognize when you need to recenter yourself. It also helps you communicate this to your spouse so that they can better understand and support you during those situations.
3. How you deal with conflict
Do you want to resolve a conflict immediately, hashing things out right then and there? Or do you need more time to process your emotions and organize your thoughts before you can discuss it? Do you lean into your emotions and let your feelings lead the way, or do you rely on logic and facts during disagreements? Would you prefer to avoid confrontation or do you welcome it? Most people have some general tendencies when it comes to how they handle conflict. It can be tied to personality, situation/setting, or even how you were raised. Maybe you’re skilled at handling disagreements at work, but have a harder time in your personal relationships. Or perhaps growing up your family always avoided conflict, so that is your default now as well.
Dealing with conflict in marriage is never easy. Learning to do it in a healthy way requires emotional maturity and self-awareness. If you know you need time to process your feelings before addressing an issue otherwise you shut down, that’s going to be a big help when it comes to working through a conflict with your partner. When you can both share what you need or what you struggle with during conflict, it allows you to make the effort to give your spouse what they need and vice versa. This lays the groundwork for more productive conflict resolution.
A strong marriage is an ongoing work in progress – as a couple you should never really stop putting effort into your relationship. But there is also work that you can do individually. Learning more about yourself helps you in all areas of your life, including helping you be a better spouse.
Very enlightening, thank you.
This is so important of a topic and one we all need to understand. Marriage can be difficult at times, but this smoothes out those big bumps. My wife and I teach a personality session for premarital couples and this has always been one area all couples said they wish they knew earlier. We do all react different when under stress. Good for ME to know that, but especially my wife. It makes for a good team when we can fill in each other’s gaps. We all have them.
I appreciated tyour comments to a post on 12/22/23 – I was curios what is a personality session like that you teach for premarital sessions? my email is jonesv @vt.edu thanks!
This is especially important advice as newlyweds are often so caught up in the “newness” of their relationship that mapping out strategies for handling the inevitable disagreements and tough situations isn’t always explored until you’re right in the middle of one of those times. As one who witnessed really bad, and sometimes physical conflicts between my parents, I’ve opted to shut down when faced with disagreements in my own relationships to avoid escalations, but eventually the pot would boil over and I’d wind up blowing up anyway which often lead to other negative situations moving forward. This lesson is really helpful as I am newly married and want to approach this union in an entirely different way. I suggest you heed these steps, take a full accounting of yourself, and strive to make your mate aware of who you are to make your marriage one that can weather the storms of life together as one.
Marriage and healthy relationships require understanding one’s own purpose, passions, and being in alignment with a partner who holds a safe place for growth and expansion.