Growing as Individuals, Together

Is the person you married on your wedding day the same person you’re married to today? This might come as a surprise, but for most people the answer is “no” – whether they realize it or not.

The reality is, you are constantly growing and changing as a result of both intentional effort and the passage of time. That means the person you are today is probably not the same as who you were then. Of course, if you just got married a few months ago, you probably won’t see too much of a difference. After a bit more time, however, you’ll likely be able to look back and see how you’ve grown.

So what factors contribute to this growth? How do you it together? And what might that look like over the course of your marriage? Let’s dive in.

The reasons we evolve

There is not just one single thing that changes us over time. Usually it’s several factors that shape who we are at different points in throughout your life. The obvious one, of course, is simply growing up. While you’re technically an adult at 18, most people mature a lot throughout their 20’s, 30’s, and beyond – in one way or another. That means if you met your spouse in college and you’re in your 30’s or 40’s now, you might look back at the “kids” you were and marvel at how carefree and fearless – or even reckless – you were. The inevitable passage of time and the growing up that comes with it a very big part of your personal evolution.

Interspersed throughout time are the life events and experiences that act as inflection points – potentially changing who you are and the course of your life forever. It could be a lifelong dream no longer being an option, the illness or death of someone close to you, navigating through a personal crisis, or being faced with an unexpected or life-altering set of circumstances. While the situations can vary greatly, the common thread is that you’re changed by it in some way, even if you can’t see it until it’s far behind you.

Then there’s your spouse. They may have been by your side through some of those life changing events or came along after others, but their presence in your life is significant, to say the least. It’s very likely you experienced a lot of growth and change as a couple, and so it makes sense that you’ve shaped each other in a sense, too. Maybe your partner gave you the self-confidence you were lacking in your younger days or you helped them discover their purpose during a time they felt lost. Perhaps your personalities balance each other out and you bring out the best in each other. As a married couple, your lives are intertwined – and so are the people you’ve become.

The key ingredients

There’s no doubt you’ve weathered some storms together and emerged intact. It wasn’t easy; you had to persevere. You’ll continue to face adversity together, and you can’t predict what your life will look like when you do. You also don’t know how you’ll both change between now and then. All of this uncertainty can be unsettling. Commitment to your marriage and each other is what will help guide you through. When there is unwavering commitment, you can both feel secure in knowing that your spouse has your back and will be there to support you no matter what. It helps you give each other a safe space to grow and a soft place to land as you both continue to evolve.

Staying connected to each other throughout all of these changes is also paramount to thriving as a couple. Without it, you may come out on the other side of a life change and not recognize the person you’re married to – like the empty nester couple who find themselves at odds with their kids out of the house. This is why prioritizing communication and quality time is so important during all seasons of marriage. When everything around you is changing – even yourselves – your emotional connection is the thread that holds everything together.

The journey

Growing as individuals – together – looks different for every couple. It’s not linear or predictable. It’s not always smooth sailing; there will be growing pains along the way. Both of you will go through separate periods of challenges and change, and your biggest times of growth will often not be aligned with your spouse’s. This means that you might switch off between taking the lead or playing a supporting role, depending on what you’re both going through. This is a great example of why flexibility in your relationship is so crucial, as it helps you be able to bounce back from the trying times you’ll inevitably face. Often, you won’t have the perspective to realize what’s happening when you’re in the thick of it. But in hindsight, you’ll be able to see how you lifted each other up to help each other grow and how your marriage grew stronger as a result.

When you said your vows, you probably felt happy and secure in knowing that this was the person you’d be spending the rest of your life with. Little did you know that while this is technically true, you’ll actually be married to several versions of each other – a natural and actually very healthy sign of your individual growth. And when you learn to navigate this journey as partners, it’s a beautiful thing.