Family reunions, weddings, graduation parties, 4th of July get togethers – how many family events do you and your spouse have on the calendar this summer?
For many couples, these types of events are a normal part of their life together. They can be a source of enjoyment, time you cherish and something you both look forward to. And they can be stressful and challenging, too. While you can’t predict everything that’s going to happen, you can set yourselves up to have a more positive experience. One way to do that is to steer clear of making certain assumptions. Here’s what to avoid:
Assumption #1: You and your spouse are on the same page about “the plan.”
Perhaps you’ve learned this lesson the hard way. You go into a family event with a clear idea of how things will go – what you’ll do, how you’ll handle the kids, how long you’ll stay, etc. The problem is, your spouse has a very different idea in their head, and this isn’t apparent until you’re on the verge of a fight in front of everyone. Want to avoid leaving in a huff and enduring a tense ride home? Communication is key, both beforehand and throughout the event. You might actually be aligned on the general plan, but double-checking and touching base on the details can help prevent incorrect assumptions or unmet expectations from derailing your experience during or after the occasion. Things to discuss might include:
- Logistics: How long you’ll stay/when you’ll leave, who will be the designated driver if there’s alcohol or if you’ll get an Uber, etc.
- If you have children: Boundaries you’re firm on or ones with some wiggle room (e.g. a few treats are okay, but the kids have to go to bed on time), who will be watching them or who you’re comfortable leaving them with, how you’ll deal with discipline if necessary, etc.
- If you or your children have special needs: Are you comfortable with the accommodations or do you need to make special arrangements/adjustments?
- Do you need a “secret signal” in case of a situation where you need to leave abruptly or need backup from your spouse?
Assumption #2: It’s fine to go your separate ways upon arrival.
It’s not uncommon for each of you to get pulled in opposite directions when you get to the event. Maybe your sister-in-law wants to introduce you to other relatives, or your dad pulls you aside to check out his landscaping. Perhaps one of you is quickly swept away to wherever your own children decide to roam. You both might be totally comfortable with this, but it’s a good idea to confirm this beforehand. Maybe your spouse got trapped in conversation with that long-winded uncle for the entire duration of the party last time, and they want to avoid that this go-round. Once again, have a conversation ahead of time to ensure you’re both aware of what the other might need. While you’re there, make it a point to check in with each other periodically. Take time to quickly connect, whether it’s to see if they need a refill on their drink, swap parenting duties, or confirm you want to leave soon. Even a smile from across the room or a quick hug in passing is enough to maintain your sense of connection.
Assumption #3: The event will be fun and relaxing.
In an ideal world? Yes, every family event would be an enjoyable and lovely time. In reality, this often isn’t the case. Complicated dynamics, unspoken rules, outspoken relatives – these are just a few of the factors that can lead to awkward moments, tension, or even conflict with family members and even your spouse. Unfortunately, that is just an aspect many couples have to learn to navigate. A positive attitude combined with realistic expectations is a great place to start. Things might not always go smoothly, and that’s okay. Remember that you and your spouse are in it together and on the same team. If the wheels have come off, so to speak, and some drama ensues, do your best to stay positive and calm. If you find you need to adjust your plan on the fly, do your best to communicate about it.
Generally, family events shouldn’t be something you dread. Realistically, this isn’t always the case. When you go into them making assumptions, whether it’s the overall plan, how your spouse feels about them, or how things will go, it’s often a recipe for disappointment, conflict or resentment. So what can you do? Communicate, double-check, and confirm to ensure you’re aligned and operating from the same playbook. You’ll be in a better position to avoid unnecessary conflict and focus on spending time with family.
