Engagement Through The First Year: A Newlywed Guide – Part 1

The period of engagement through the first year or two of marriage is quite a ride. You and your spouse – and your relationship – go through a lot of changes and transitions. Leading up to the wedding, you might feel overwhelmed with questions and decisions, not just about the big day, but for your future together. Once you’re married, new challenges arise, new issues develop, and new conflicts erupt (or existing ones take on a new dimension). While you can never fully know what this period will be like for you and your new spouse, you can be prepared so that you’re not completely caught off guard when that honeymoon feeling starts to fade just a bit. Luckily, this newlywed guide has you covered.

You’re engaged! Now what?

After the chorus of “Congratulations!” dies down and you come down from cloud nine, you might have a brief moment to think, “What’s next?” before you’re quickly thrust into discussions about dates and venues. While those decisions are important on their own level, one component of the engagement phase that is often overlooked (or an afterthought) is premarital counseling. So much energy is put into preparing for the wedding, but what about preparing for a lifelong marriage? That’s why we can’t overstate the importance of quality premarital counseling. It gets your marriage off on the right foot and gives you a foundation on which to keep building. Whether you choose to go through your church/officiant or seek it out independently, you’ll want to go into it with the right mindset. Finding the right Facilitator is also a big factor. Read more about getting the most out of premarital counseling here.

Going on a honeymoon?

Whether you’re used to traveling with your (now) spouse or the honeymoon is one of your first trips together, there is often a unique set of expectations that come with it. It’s your honeymoon, after all! The last thing you want to do is spend it arguing. That means getting on the same page beforehand, and being present and flexible while you’re there. Find more tips for a fight-free vacation here.

Settling into married life

So the wedding bells are in your rearview, and you’re getting used to life as a married couple. While you might be rolling along happily in newlywed bliss, it’s also completely normal to begin experiencing some bumps in the road. The truth is, the first years of marriage are often quite challenging. As you start your life together and continue to get to know all of the different facets of each other, new issues pop up that may not have had the opportunity to reveal themselves before. Yes, it’s normal to argue as newlyweds, especially about these four topics: roles, family, money, and expectations.

• Roles
  Marriage often brings with it new territory when it comes to sharing and managing a household. Who will plan and prepare meals, to who will manage the car maintenance, to who will pay make sure bills are paid are just a few of the responsibilities that will need to be divided in some way or another. Sometimes, these things just fall into place, but you’ll likely still need to have a conversation at some point to figure out what’s going to work best for your marriage. Need some more guidance in this area? Here are 3 common role challenges and how to solve them together.
• Family
  When you are quite literally becoming a part of each other’s families, there are many new dynamics to navigate. Whether it’s dealing with intrusive family members, figuring out where you’ll spend which holidays, or handling uncomfortable conflicts with your in-laws or your own family, there are many opportunities for arguments to arise. However, this also presents a great chance to discuss things like boundaries, family rituals and traditions, and what you want to carry on or leave behind with your own family. Want to learn more about what this might look like? Read about the what, when, and how of family boundaries, as well as reaching compromise on holiday celebrations.
• Money
  This can be a touchy topic for both newlyweds and couples who’ve been married for decades. For couples who’ve just combined finances, it can be especially challenging. After all, your spouse might have completely different attitudes, habits, and values tied to money – and those things don’t change overnight. The key to it all is working to understand each other’s perspectives and emotions tied to money instead of simply trying to change surface level habits; money runs much deeper than that. Want to get the discussion started? Here are 3 conversations to have when you clash over money.
• Expectations
  This is a big one. Expectations affect all areas of your relationship, including the ones listed above. Whether you realize it or not, you’re both brought expectations into your marriage. When those expectations are not met, conflict usually ensues. Learning to have discussions that get to the root of why they’re not being met (are they unrealized, unspoken, unrealistic, or some combination of the three?), making adjustments, and learning more about yourselves and each other in the process will pay dividends throughout your marriage. Read more about how expectations affect your relationship, where they come from, and 5 signs you might need to check them.

We’ve covered engagement, the honeymoon, and some of the common challenges you might encounter as you settle into your life as a married couple. Hopefully you find reassurance in knowing it’s normal to experience some bumps during this time. Stay tuned for Part 2, where we’ll explore more of the unique situations and changes your relationship might go through in the first year of marriage.