How’s your day going? Maybe everything’s going your way. The sun’s shining, you hit all green lights on your commute, got great feedback from your boss on a big project, and tonight is date night. Or maybe it’s been one of those days – can anything else go wrong? You overslept, spilled your entire mug of coffee, and snapped at your spouse, all before leaving the house – and it didn’t get any better from there.
We’ve all been there. A bad day – or even just a bad start to your day – can throw you off entirely, affecting not only your own mood and wellbeing, but your relationship with your spouse as well. One bad day here and there seems harmless, but if we’re not cognizant of the way we handle them, negative patterns can begin to take hold. So how can you prevent a bad day from coming between you? Here are five tips to consider.
1. Examine your work-life balance.
Work is a common cause of stress. If you find that you’re carrying bad days at work into your home life, you might want to take a look at whether your work-life balance is out of whack. Do you need to set some new boundaries? Is there a way to incorporate some transition or buffer time between work and home? This can give you space to decompress from your work day and ease into a more relaxed mindset, consciously leaving bad work vibes behind for the time being.
2. Take a time-out.
Sometimes you might be feeling overwhelmed and unable to interact with your spouse or family in a way you feel good about. In times like this, the best thing might be to simply give yourself time-out, if you’re able. Go for a walk alone or retreat to a quiet part of your house, but let your spouse or family know you just need a few minutes to clear your head. Take a few deep breaths and try to gain some quick perspective.
3. Allow do-overs.
You might snap at your spouse, make an unnecessarily snide comment, or be overly critical simply because you’re grouchy from a bad day. Even as the words are coming out of your mouth, you know it’s not really what you want to say or how you want to say it. All is not lost. Ask for a do-over, or a fresh start. “I’m sorry, that’s not how I wanted to talk to you. Can I start over?” It might seem cheesy, but it shows your partner that your true intentions were not to hurt them, and that you want to put in the effort to repair any potential damage. If you’re on the receiving end, give your spouse this chance to right the ship. Instead of feeling at odds with each other all day, it becomes a moment of connection.
4. Exercise emotional intelligence.
Understanding your emotions is the first step in learning to manage and regulate them. Instead of pushing them down or denying strong feelings, let yourself feel and acknowledge them, and begin to figure out what helps you neutralize them. Maybe that’s getting outdoors or going for a run when you’re stressed, anxious, or irritable. Perhaps journaling helps you get out frustrations in a way that feels cathartic. On the other side, lean into your empathy skills if you sense your spouse has had a bad day. Maybe you offer a hug instead of asking why they didn’t fill up the car with gas or bringing up that contentious topic.
5. Learn how you can support each other.
Have a conversation about how you can handle bad days together. How can you signal to each other that you’re having a bad day? How can you communicate what you need? Is there a certain way you’d like to be supported on those days? It may seem like kind of an odd conversation to have, but it can prevent a lot of misunderstandings and hurt feelings down the road.
A bad day every now and then is a normal part of life. How we handle them is what makes all the difference. By learning to manage our emotions productively and prioritize basic relationship skills, you can make a bad day an opportunity for connection instead of driving a wedge between you.
Good wisdom! Spouses who both work from home and have kids at home are probably having a really hard time with work-home balance, without the normal drive home to decompress from work and refocus on family. Maybe they need to take turns taking a walk or run or drive after work before returning to dinner prep and childcare.
Great idea, Kathy! This post is an important one because life is full of good and bad days, but we still have to work through them and not blame our spouse for it. I don’t think I play the “blame game” but I do tend to act more frustrated toward my husband if I’m having an off day. Communication is key, and prayer always helps.
Es cierto. Siempre comprender antes de criticar y catar en momentos difícil, así no herimos con palabras.
This was perfect to read today! Family arrives and staying for a week. Trying to do too many things, trying to make it perfect. Finally, one fumble after another and I couldn’t get it together. I finally took a time out, sat outside in the sun with my dog. I started laughing at my self, said some prayers and my dog thinks this is the best day ever. No one will notice the patios not perfect. The children will grab the sidewalk chalk and frisbee and it will be the best day ever.
It is hard to feel empathy when the other party makes snide comments and snap at you. The difficulty part is learning to manage your emotions when your spouse is grouchy. What a wonderful world or house hold it could be if we all learned to manage our emotions by healthy ways: exercise, journaling, go to beach, woods… but the reality is that people who feel stressed out / depressed will not have the brain power to make those choices. This tragic happens in tue household.
I once had a mentor who told me work life balance wasn’t real. She said that I’d have cycles of work and cycles of family. For the time being- I accepted that. But when I’m honest about it- too much at once is more than I can handle. Communications, boundary setting, taking space are all things we can employ. The AM’s are chaotic and I’m not a morning person so I can start my spouse off on a bad day often. Emotional intelligence is crucial!
I just had a right knee replacement. My partner (we don’t live together) is not set up emotionally to help me. He left his wife when she was terminally I’ll and evidently quite abusive. This is his side of the story and I can’t really take that to the bank and be mad at him for possibly doing that to me. And I’m not being abusive. I just can’t handle him being frustrated and angry . I’m very sensitive to this right now. I decided that he can do other things like being me coffee in the morning and make sure my dog has water. That way we can stay in the relationship and I can get the emotional piece from others who have it to give…until I get thru this.
Cuando hay comentarios sarcásticos, es difícil mantener firmes nuestras emociones, lo único que hago es llorar, esa es mi emoción mas fuerte, sin hablar con mi pareja, parece que eso me consuela, estamos aprendiendo a comunicarnos.