Be Great Teammates This Holiday Season

It’s that time of year again, when we find ourselves staring at the calendar in bewilderment. How have the month’s flown by so fast? Is the holiday season really around the corner already?!

While it’s a favorite time of year for many, it’s also a season that brings lots of baggage along with it. Difficult emotions and negative experiences can ride right alongside the positive ones. It can be a lot to navigate individually, let alone as a couple or family. Fortunately, you can avoid letting the holidays strain your marriage. Here’s how you and your spouse can be good teammates throughout the season:

1. Get on the same page with priorities.

The holidays can bring lots of conflicting demands and distractions. Taking time to think through what is most important for each of you can help you keep things in perspective. You might settle on one or two separate priorities, but don’t forget to consider what matters most to you as a couple and as a family of your own. Maybe you want to focus on spending quality time with family and less on attending all the peripheral parties this year, or you want to incorporate volunteering into your holidays in some way. Having a conversation about this ahead of time ensures you’re on the same page and are working towards the same goal. At the same time, this discussion will also shed light on where you may need to compromise. This is the perfect lead-in to…

2. Be flexible and willing to compromise.

If you find that some of your priorities are conflicting or misaligned, you’ll need to be open to meeting in the middle. Whether it’s whose family you’ll celebrate with or if you should host a New Year’s Eve party, try to problem-solve as a team instead of negotiating to get what you want. Settle on a couple of plausible options that account for each of your priorities, and remember that you’re not locked into one solution forever. Agree to check in with each other afterwards to talk about what worked and what didn’t. Hold space for each other to adjust to change and to process any emotions that come with it.

3. Review or establish boundaries.

You’ve likely discovered that the holidays bring lots of external pressure and obligations to celebrate in a certain way and do all the things. You can try to please everyone and do it all, but you may end up feeling burnt out, preventing you from actually enjoying the holidays. Establishing boundaries helps protect the time, energy, resources, and priorities of your own family. Boundaries might look like limiting the time spent at a relative’s house, saying no to some invitations, or opting out of certain activities, even if it’s just for this year. Work together to figure out what feels right for you and your family. You may also want to make a plan for sticking to your boundaries in the moment when you’re feeling pressure or temptation to break them. Discuss where you’re comfortable stretching them, where you’re not, and how you can support each other throughout.

4. Check in with each other emotionally.

You or your spouse might look like they have it all together on the outside, but inside they might be falling apart. In the midst of all the chaos, take time to check in with each other emotionally. The holidays have a way of making grief, trauma, family issues, and other difficult emotions cut even deeper than usual. Checking in is an opportunity to ask each other, “Hey, are you doing okay? How can I support you?” Even if you can’t solve everything, just knowing that your spouse has your back can make a difference. Remind each other that you’re in it together, and you’ll get through it together, too.

5. Be aware of the mental load.

There is so much to stay on top of. The general preparation, schedules to coordinate, travel to arrange, gifts to purchase, meals to plan, activities to participate in, preferences to remember, the list could go on forever. If your brain feels overloaded in ways you can’t explain, you’re not alone. While reducing the mental load is typically more complex than just delegating tasks, understanding that you’re both juggling a lot – creates more empathy between you.

6. Remember that good communication underlies everything.

Feeling stressed out? Worried about meeting all the family obligations? Dealing with difficult emotions? Being able to communicate with each other openly about where your head is at, what you’re struggling with, or where you could use some extra help fosters connection while lightening the load for both of you. You’ll feel less alone and give each other the opportunity to offer support.

Having a teammate mentality in your marriage is beneficial year round, but the particular challenges that the holidays present can make that mindset even more crucial. Let these tips guide you so that you focus more energy on the enjoyable aspects of the season.