There’s a crisis within your extended family. It has you feeling overwhelmed and anxious, and you snap at your spouse out of nowhere. A close friend is going through a rough time. Supporting them has left you emotionally spent, and you have nothing left in the tank for your marriage. Impending layoffs at work make every day feel tense and uncertain; when you come home it’s hard to be fully present.
Stress often originates from external sources and situations. You might think you can compartmentalize it, but the reality is it often spills over into your marriage. While it’s impossible to avoid these curveballs life throws at you, there are ways you can minimize the negative affects on your relationship. Here are 5 tips to help you do that:
1. Prioritize physical wellbeing.
When you’re not getting enough sleep, staying active, or adequately fueling your body, it’s hard to feel and perform at your best. That means you’re probably not going to handle stress in the most productive ways either. Do what you can to prioritize your health – it doesn’t have to be a sweeping lifestyle change. Think small, sustainable tweaks – going to bed 30 minutes earlier, adding more veggies to your diet, or taking a short evening walk. You might be surprised how big of an effect these seemingly minimal changes can have on the way you feel – both physically and mentally.
2. Pay attention to how stress affects you – and what helps relieve it.
Sometimes your body lets you know you’re stressed out even before your mind does. Maybe your neck and shoulders start knotting up or you get a migraine that lasts for days. Perhaps you have a hard time focusing or you find yourself unusually impatient with the kids. It might seem obvious, but often we don’t give much thought to these small signals. Once you learn to recognize the ways stress manifests in your body, you can then figure out the things that ease it. Whether it’s going for a run, spending time in nature, having quiet time to meditate or pray, or spending quality time with your spouse, explore what works for you.
3. Communicate with your spouse.
When external stressors are getting to you, you might try to bottle it up and keep it from your spouse. You might have good intentions – to avoid causing unnecessary stress for your partner. But when you share what you’re going through, you’re providing context that can help them support you better. Instead of taking offense if you’re a little snippy or more distracted than usual, they’re more likely to respond with empathy and understanding. Maybe they take the kids out for a couple of hours so you can recharge, or they order in from your favorite restaurant to lift your spirits. You and your spouse are a team, and that means shouldering external stressors together.
4. Establish boundaries.
Stress spillover becomes the norm when boundaries are lacking – whether interpersonal, work-life balance, etc. For instance, if that friend who’s going through a hard time is spending hours at your house every day, cutting into the time you typically spend with your spouse, that’s going to directly impact your marriage. If you’re taking work calls at all hours even when it’s not crucial to your job, that tension will inevitably spread into your home environment, leaving you feeling even more burnt out. Creating boundaries around your time, space, and marriage means limiting how much these outside factors have access to these valuable parts of your life. That might be having a hard stop on anything work-related after a certain time or telling your friend you can’t accommodate their visits at all hours. It’s not always easy taking these steps, but can be worth it when it comes to protecting your marriage.
5. Be mindful of where you invest your energy.
When something is stressing you out, it’s normal to worry and ruminate on it. You might expend vast amounts of your physical, emotional, or mental energy trying to manage or resolve the situation. You’re left feeling drained, with little energy left to put into the things that might actually be more important. Learn to let go of the things beyond your control and instead focus on the things you actually have power over. For example, you may not be able to do anything about that high-maintenance relative causing drama, but you can choose how you respond to them. You can’t prevent the layoffs at work, but you can try to perform your best, update your resume and put feelers out for new positions to help you feel more prepared.
These tips won’t eliminate stress, but they can help you weather it without taking it out on each other. When you and your spouse learn to handle outside pressures as a team, your relationship becomes a refuge from stress – instead of being damaged by it.
