5 Reasons You Don’t Feel Like a Team

Do you and your spouse feel like a team? Or does it seem like something is getting in the way of that lately? It’s not unusual to go through periods where things are just out of sync between you. It can feel like you’re constantly at odds or working against each other, even if it’s not intentional. What’s going wrong? The reality is, sometimes you can fall into habits that shift the dynamic of your relationship in ways that gradually dissolve a team mentality. Here are five reasons you might not be feeling like a team and some tips for renewing that bond:

1. You’re not letting each other in.

Great teammates not only recognize and appreciate each other’s strengths, they are also keen to each other’s vulnerabilities. This insight is not used to criticize, but so that they can provide cover for each other in those weaker areas. In order to get to this point, you’ll need to be open and honest with each other about your struggles, fears, and insecurities. Keep in mind, you’ll need to give each other a criticism and judgment-free space to foster the emotional safety needed to be truly vulnerable. Once you’re both able to let your guards down and drop the defensiveness, you’re in a position to support each other in the best ways possible.

2. You’re keeping score.

Are you keeping a mental tally of how often you’ve done one of their usual chores, logging how much time they’ve spent on a solo hobby, or keeping track of how many times they’ve gotten up with the baby? Score-keeping can come in many forms, but they all have one thing in common: it’s not helping you be a better teammate. When you focus on specific numbers or quantities being “even,” it has a tendency to shift your mindset to “you vs. your spouse.” Marriage isn’t about giving and getting in equal and specific amounts. Instead, there will be times you carry more of the load and times that your spouse does. It’s part of the ebb and flow of marriage; the understanding that you have each other’s back and are there to lift each other up no matter what.

3. You’re not discussing expectations.

On great teams, each member knows exactly what is expected of them, what their role is, and what they’re trying to achieve. It creates a sense of camaraderie and oneness. Sharing expectations with each other – for your relationship and daily life – serves a similar purpose, and more. When you communicate your relationship expectations with each other, you’re making it easier for your partner to fulfill those expectations and creating a shared understanding to revisit when they aren’t met. When you understand what you’re both aiming for, you can support and encourage each other better. And perhaps even more importantly, you can empathize with each other if things don’t go how you envisioned. You can both feel like you’ve got someone in your corner cheering you on or helping you rally when you need it.

4. You’re going head-to-head during conflict.

Often during conflict, it feels like you’re on opposing sides and only one of you can come out victorious. A key mindset shift to make is that you’re actually sitting shoulder to shoulder, working together to draw up the best solution for your relationship. Sometimes a compromise is necessary. You might make individual concessions, but you are ultimately gaining much more as a couple when you focus on solving the problem cooperatively. Even in situations where it seems like there’s no way you’ll see eye to eye, shift your perspective to see the broader goal – chances are, you’ll be more aligned there than you think, you simply have different ideas for how you might get there. Trust each other to approach the problem from different angles and be willing to meet in the middle.

5. You’re not leveraging your differences.

If you and your spouse are very different personality-wise, it’s probably not new information. It can be easy to get stuck focusing on the seemingly negative aspects, especially when these differences cause conflict. You might fall into thinking, “If only they were more this or less that.” Unfortunately, this mindset will get you nowhere. But when you learn to accept each other (instead of trying to change each other), you can really begin to appreciate your differences and put them to work for you. You are a one-of-kind couple. The unique combination of your personalities is a big part of that and learning to make your differences work in your favor will help you feel like teammates throughout your marriage.

It’s one thing to know logically that marriage is about being a team, but it’s another to always feel that way when you’re in it. Sometimes you can get stuck in rut of “you vs. them” thinking and behaviors. Hopefully these reminders can help you recognize where things might be going wrong and correct your course quickly.