Are happy couples just built different? Are they more compatible or agreeable and have a happier marriage as a result? Or are they doing something differently? It turns out it can be a combination of both. While this might seem like a cop-out answer, it’s actually good news. It means that while some couples might have a certain level of “meant to be” going for them, you have the power to improve your marriage if it’s not where you’d like it to be. It means that you’re not simply doomed to unhappiness if you and your spouse are facing some challenges or going through a tough season.
So what are these characteristics that set happy couples apart from unhappy couples? Here’s where we can actually provide some specific answers. Over the last 40+ years, Prepare/Enrich has gathered mountains of data on this very topic and found that these are the five keys to a happy marriage:
1. You both feel good about how you communicate.
No big surprise here. Good communication is a crucial part of a strong marriage; it forms the foundation that all of the other areas are built on. It’s a skill that seems pretty straightforward – it’s just talking to each other, right? However, there are many other aspects that can make or break you in this area, such as being a good listener, nonverbal communication, and more. Needless to say, we’ve shared a lot on this topic. You can check out the most essential tips here.
2. You feel connected to each other.
Feeling emotionally close to each other means you’re doing a lot of things right when it comes to prioritizing togetherness. You value and enjoy spending time together. You’re part of each other’s inner world, which means you likely have some good communication habits as well. Looking for ways to feel more connected? We’ve got a plethora of tips here. If you’re striving for more balance between togetherness and separateness, check out this post.
3. You’re flexible when problems arise.
When life throws an unexpected bump in the road, how do you and your spouse handle it? Happy couples are able to adapt various aspects within their marriage in order to accommodate change, crises, challenges, and stressors that inevitably come up. They shift their usual relationship roles or rules to be more fluid and less defined. The key here is that this “flexing” is temporary; eventually they return to their usual, stable ways. Learn more about boosting your adaptability as a couple here.
4. You like each other’s personality.
This is one that you might feel like you have less control over. After all, you are who you are. Your personality is unlikely to change over time. That means that for the most part, you’re not going to change each other, and trying to do so will usually hurt your relationship. So what do you have control over? You can learn to accept – and appreciate – your partner’s personality. Yes, even the things that tend to get on your nerves. Read more about what happens when you stop trying to change each other here.
5. You feel understood during conflict.
Every couple experiences conflict, but the biggest difference between happy and unhappy couples is how that conflict is handled. If you feel like your spouse understands you when you’re discussing problems it means you’re doing some really big things well. For one, you’re giving each other the emotional safety to share your true thoughts and feelings. Instead of focusing on your own reply, you’re really listening and showing empathy to each other. You’re probably not slinging insults back and forth out of defensiveness. If emotions start out running high, you’re able to de-escalate the conversation. Even if resolving conflict is a strength for you, these are things you’ll want to continue to work on and put effort into throughout your marriage. If you’re constantly feeling misunderstood by your spouse, check out this post.
So there you have it – the five things that set happy couples apart from unhappy couples. While there is an aspect of overall compatibility, we hope you’re encouraged and empowered by the fact that most of these are things you can actively work on and and improve in your marriage. If you’re going through a challenging time or a tough season, take heart – feeling happy in your marriage again is not out of reach.
#5 ✅
I feel that when we have conflict my wife has no empathy for my feelings, nor does she listen to what I’m saying to her. She rarely takes accountability and avoids true conversation by using gaslighting techniques to accept the blame for her actions. It seems she would rather offer a disingenuous apology and repeat the process over again.
I bet she feels the same about you. Try communicating to her instead of complaining online.
I think she probably feels the same. I agree with the other response. Try talking to her and really listening to how she feels. Instead of listening to respond, listen with purpose. I would imagine most couples, me included, don’t feel heard.
HI Gartrell,
I am so sad for you that this is how you are feeling in your relationship. Would your wife be willing to come with you to talk to a therapist to help change this for both of you? I am praying that this feeling of being ignored and unheard can be addressed and together you can find a way to resolve the conflict. There is help out there for both of you – even if you just went on your own, you may be able to find real support and encouragement, a new path forward with your wife that feels safer and healthier. Take good care of yourself and your relationship.
Wow Gartrell, I hate that you experience that and it’s an unfortunate situation that often happens in marriage. May I suggest you use the SAFE method of conflict resolution. Identify the facts of the Situation (not assumptions or feelings), be mindful of your Approach (tone of voice, facial expressions, etc ), state how the situation made you Feel (not thoughts but the emotion attached), and offer Encouragement (a simple and reasonable request).
For example:
When you don’t return my call (Situation)
vs.
When you ignore my calls (Assumption)
I feel worried/concerned/unimportant (Feeling)
vs.
I feel like…(Usually an assumption or thought that doesn’t encourage empathy but defensiveness)
Next time can you shoot me a quick text to let me know you’re okay (Encouragement)
vs
No solution offered
And the Approach can be with a warm and conciliatory tone of voice.
Be mindful of how your assumptions about the cycle repeating itself can contribute to keeping the cycle going. I hope this helps!