5 Fixable Reasons You’re Feeling Disconnected

Have you ever experienced a period of time where you feel more like roommates or coworkers than spouses? You’re not fighting, but that deeper sense of intimacy and connection is missing. For whatever reason, you just aren’t on the same wavelength. What happened? And can it be fixed?

Thankfully, the answer is often yes. Here are five fixable reasons you might be feeling disconnected from your spouse:

1. You’re not prioritizing quality time.

Life gets busy, and it’s easy to let your relationship get pushed to the back burner. After all, it seems there are more pressing demands in the hustle and bustle of daily life. Your job, your kids and their schedules, aging parents, household responsibilities, the list goes on. But here’s the thing: you have to choose to make your marriage a priority. It is the heart and soul of all the “other stuff.” Making sure you are spending enough quality time together – and focusing on the quality of that quality time – is one major way to prioritize your relationship. Similar to how sunlight and water nurtures a plant, quality time together helps nurture your connection. If you and your spouse recognize the need for more quality time, come up with a plan to incorporate a small block of intentional time into each day or week. Make it a goal to use the time to get reacquainted, in a sense. Focus on each other and lean into opportunities for meaningful conversation.

2. There’s an issue you’re avoiding.

You’re both trying to ignore it, the elephant in the room. In doing so, you might be feeling tense, awkward, or like you’re walking on eggshells around each other. To avoid that tension, you might start sidestepping genuine interactions with each other, too. You can see how that elephant can quickly become a significant wedge between you. That’s why it’s crucial to address the issue as soon as you can – before it causes too much distance and damage in your relationship. It might be uncomfortable or cause an argument. You might have to face or share some difficult truths. But learning to work through these things will ultimately strengthen your connection and bring you closer. So set a time to talk about it – you’ll be glad you did.

3. You never fully repaired after a conflict.

This one is similar to #2, but different in the fact that you faced the conflict head on; however, you both know things aren’t quite back to normal. You might still be feeling disconnected from each other, even if you seem to have resolved the conflict. When that’s the case, it can be helpful to make sure you’ve closed any emotional distance after a fight. This might mean apologizing for something you said in the heat of the moment, hugging it out and sharing I love you’s, or owning your feelings while validating your spouse’s. Whatever the method, the purpose is to reconnect emotionally so that you both walk away feeling understood and loved.

4. You’re burnt out.

Being super busy and not spending your time wisely is one thing. However, there is something that might be even more valuable than your time: your energy. Whether it’s physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual, you’ve only got so much to use – and give. When you run out, you feel drained. And if you’ve got nothing left in the tank to give your spouse, your relationship will suffer. Try to be intentional about where you’re investing your energy. Be aware of the signs that you’re expending too much outside of your marriage, and take steps to correct your course. You might find that putting energy into your marriage and spouse has a way of refueling your tank so that you actually have more to give in other areas of your life, too.

5. You’ve stopped being curious.

Think back to the early days of your relationship when you just getting to know each other. You probably asked each other lots of questions, whether it was about deep topics or the mundane details of their day. Over time, that sense of curiosity can begin to wane. After all, you know each other well now – do you really need to share or ask about every little detail? Not necessarily, but there’s a catch. When you stop being curious and sharing about the little things, you might start omitting the big things, too. This can quickly turn into distance between you that’s hard to overcome. It’s sort of like when you try to catch up with an old friend, only to find you’re so out of touch with each other’s lives that you don’t even know where to start. Don’t let this happen with your spouse. Avoid this path by staying curious and adhering to the mindset that there’s always something new you can learn about each other.

Feeling disconnected from your spouse isn’t fun. It can be lonely and disheartening, but consider this: recognizing that you feel this way is better than not noticing at all. When you’re aware that you’re not feeling as close to each other as you’d like, you can begin taking steps to fix the situation – before it’s too late.