Some people are natural empaths. They feel what others are feeling without even trying, even people they’ve just met. Most of us have to work at empathy a little more intentionally, even with someone as close to us as our spouse. Research has shown that reminding people what empathy is can actually help them be more empathetic. So as a review for those of us who are not natural empaths, empathy is understanding or feeling what another person is experiencing from within their frame of reference – or in other words, putting yourself in their shoes.
Seeing things from your partner’s frame of reference increases your connection and does wonders for the way you communicate. Here are three scenarios that show how empathy can have a profoundly positive effect on your relationship:
Empathy reminds you that your spouse is human.
Have you ever noticed how it’s really easy to feel anger and indignation toward someone when you’re not interacting with them in person? For example, say you’ve been emailing back and forth with a Customer Service rep about a mixup with your order. It’s been going on for over a week, and your problem is still not solved! Frankly, you’re not even sure the person understands the issue – how can they be so incompetent at their job?! You’re about to send a scathing reply when your phone rings. It’s the representative you’ve been dealing with, and you’re caught off guard by how friendly they sound. Turns out this whole time you’ve both been misunderstanding each other. You get your issue resolved, he jokes about you becoming best friends, and your anger has melted away as you hang up. In actually talking to the person, you realized he is just that – a person, trying to to do his best.
Applied to your relationship, empathy is like that phone call. Putting yourself in your partner’s shoes and truly seeing things from their perspective helps you remember that they are just a person, doing the best they can. It’s easy to get caught up in how ticked off or frustrated we are at something they did or didn’t do – that’s normal, we’re only human, too. They’ll mess up, and so will we. So before you hit send on that stinging reply, take a second to remind yourself of the human behind the behavior – your funny, smart, and loving spouse.
Empathy makes it easier to assume positive intent.
Picture the scene: It’s Friday after a looong week. You didn’t plan anything for dinner, but your spouse assured you they’d be home early to wrangle the kids so you can throw some leftovers together. Well, it’s now 6pm, the baby just had a blowout, your toddler is getting crankier by the minute, and the leftovers you’d planned on eating are giving off a questionable odor. Where is your spouse? They’re not answering their phone, even after your fifth call and fifteenth text. At this point it would be easy to start getting yourself really worked up, stewing over how they let you down and making assumptions about why. Just then, they burst in the door, looking disheveled and laden with carryout bags. “I’m so sorry!” they say. “I was in a hurry to get out of the office so I could get across town for your favorite takeout, but I forgot my phone, and there was an accident on the freeway, and…”
Leaning into empathy means that instead of immediately dismissing what they’re saying as excuses, you really feel their distress over letting you down. They were simply trying to do something thoughtful for you, and things beyond their control prevented it from turning out as they’d planned. Instead of assuming that they’re being intentionally inconsiderate, empathy allows you to see a more realistic interpretation: that your spouse cares about you deeply and 99.9% of the time would not be intentionally thoughtless or want to make things more difficult for you. Assuming positive intent means you can approach and react to them with more kindness and understanding in times of conflict.
Empathy promotes a team mentality.
Let’s say you have a big project going on at at work, and the deadline is fast approaching. Your small team of colleagues could really use some extra hands on deck to make sure you deliver. If your manager understands your role and can empathize with you, they’re more likely to jump in to help if they can. Maybe they’ve been in your position, and they really understand how stressful it can be. Even though they’re your boss, you probably feel a sense of team camaraderie with them, a sense of “we.”
We know that remembering you’re on the same team is key to maintaining a healthy perspective when you’re not seeing eye to eye, but when you’re fighting with your spouse, it’s easy to feel like it’s you versus them. Showing empathy to your partner is like working shoulder to shoulder with them towards a solution. You can both still have your own thoughts and feelings about it but there’s comfort in knowing your partner is in it with you, not against you.
Experts have found that empathy in a marriage can be transformative. What are some ways you show empathy to your spouse? What effects has it had on your relationship? Let us know in the comments!
Are you ready to help couples be more empathetic and build more successful marriages?
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I enjoyed reading your blog post. Showing more empathy in a relationship can help make it better. I loved the example you gave on positive intent. Showing your spouse how you understood what they went through and had good intentions, in a situation where they let you down, can improve the way your spouse relates to you.
What if it’s hard to show empathy when your spouse has been unfaithful.
From my end I see it as this person was not empathetic when they deliberately hurt me. It crushed my spirit and it has made me act tough so I don’t get hurt again.
Probably sounds harsh but if I move forward and act strong then it’s easier for everyone.
I’m just afraid of being taking advantage of again.
Hi Darline – That is not okay at all. Don’t be a victim of this abuse- rise up and put some boundaries up. I have been there and left the marriage and it was the best thing I could have done for myself and my kids.
This of course is betrayal and understandably your hurt is going to prevent closeness. I Think you would both need counselling and your husband would have to show by his actions not words that he wants things to work.
Nice submission. Yes very painful when a spouse is unfaithful. However empathy will make us probe further why he or she should do such a disgusting thing. I’m I part of his / her failure? Was she /he seduced when she / he loose guard. Was it intentional? If I were in his /her shoes can I resist. Questions like this will help us to get to know the ROOT CAUSE and how to prevent future “mistake” Thanks
Darline,
It’s unfortunate you’ve had to experience that pain. I would encourage you to seek professional help because “acting tough” only leads to resentment in the future. You deserve to heal so you’ve the ability to love the way you choose to. I do believe I. Hope and recovery. Set healthy boundaries boundaries but do nothing do this alone. Get a good support system and engage in things that bring you fulfillment.
Each person’s journey is different.
Blessings
That’s the danger you put ourselves in when dealing with narcissists. They love empaths like us. They more empathetic we can be , the more abusive they can be.
Be very mindful about giving second chances and please trust your instincts.
God created us empath which is a blessing, but also can become a curse for us if we don’t know how to love ourselves. But God also bless us with the gift of instinct. Use it for to protect yourself
I can relate to the lack of empathy toward my spouse and others around me sometimes and i am really happy to have read this post. It help put things in perspective in the way that i may think sometimes without really giving the other person chance to explain. I have learn to show more empathy and it has in fact improve the relation between me and my spouse and those around me.
It’s so good to remember that they have positive intention!! It’s so easy to jump to conclusions that they are purposefully hurting you or neglecting you or your kids. Thanks for this post!
I have a really hard time with empathy towards my spouse so I really enjoyed reading this blog. Hopefully I can look back on this the next time I find it hard to show empathy and it will remind to do the right thing.
Such a timely post. Each point made me think about how I can show my wife empathy and times I’ve been less than stellar. I’m informed and empowered to as an empath. Thank yo very much!
Very informative a read. Let me share with friends
My problem is I have so much empathy that I care how others feel more than myself. I continue to get hurt by trusting and caring in others and not putting up or sticking to boundaries that would protect me.
This is a good post on having empathy but how do we discern and protect ourselves?
Hello Tina:
May I suggest a wonderful book about this topic, “From Bondage to Bonding” by Nancy Groom. The first half of this book was extremely helpful in understanding the roots and the causes for some of the behavior in which you described so well. The second half coaches you through a process of transformation in your thinking, and suggests some helpful behavior modifications. Lots of stories and a book I will definitely read a few times.
I am a born empath meaning that I spent my 48 years walk-in in others’ shoes. I know how transformative empathy can be in a relationship but what when you are dealing with a narcissist spouse who’s devoid of empathy?
I have been down this road many times with friends and boyfriends and 2 ex husbands and it’s not fun. It’s like receiving a dabber in the heart.
Empathy is key to successful relationships, friendships , marriages , you name it.
But what do you do when the other person is incapable of giving it to you?
My problem is that when I’ve hurt my spouse, she responds out of pain and anger, which make me defensive and unable to FEEL empathy. I know empathy is good and I desperately WANT to feel it. I’m just too flooded to access it 🙁
Perhaps turn this on its head a little… to me to your defensiveness actually IS empathy because it is a reaction to her pain and anger which suggests you know she is justified to feel that way and you feel guilty/bad in yourself (hence the defensiveness). Maybe before the next time something like this happens, in a moment when you are both in a good mood, you could have a chat and just say “you know when I let you down and you respond with pain/anger, I find it really hard to know I’ve made you feel that way and it gets me defensive. But I know you absolutely have a right to feel those feelings. What could I do in that moment to help us connect again? Do you need to be left for a bit to feel your feelings or would you like me to hold you..?” Etc… ie try and find growth from the experience at a moment when you’re not in the middle of it? The fact you care is a great start!
With a clear understanding of empathy and being an empath, it’s a very difficult position to be in when your spouse is not. She tries to be but really has no understanding of it. I have two step sons that are disrespectful, slobs and down right lazy. I understand being a teenager, but their mother does EVERYTHING for them (they are 13 and 15). And if she doesn’t their grandmother does. They treat them both like crap and when it’s time for empathy, I can’t do it. It’s not worthy of me sticking my neck out to just be chastised as the bad guy because I do not put up with the BS. I refuse to stand in their shoes because they bring it upon themselves to be their maids and short order cooks. She gets frustrated with them when they do not eat and just throw the food away and wants me to feel sorry for her after she cooked three different meals. I don’t understand and therefore have zero empathy in this continuous behavior that just seems to be ok. Because nobody does anything about it and I have no parental rights with them. I’m so lost with all of this.
Gostei muito do texto, mas lendo os comentários acredito que existe uma confusão com identificação x empatia x querer agradar o outro. O cuidado que precisamos ter para que as experiências da vida não nos blinde e nos torne pessoas amargas ao invés de nos trazer aprendizado e sabedoria para a vida. Para ter empatia é necessário compreender a bagagem que as pessoas estão trazendo com elas.