3 Times to Ask for a Do-Over

Have you ever had an interaction with your spouse that unexpectedly turned into a fight, all because of a communication mistake? You might know it’s happening even as the words are leaving your mouth. You can feel your spouse’s vibe change in response. You wish you could take it back and start over, but it’s too late. What’s done is done. Or is it?

While life is full of situations in which you only get one shot, marriage offers up many opportunities when a second chance can be just what you need to turn an otherwise negative outcome into a positive. When you know you’ve just made a poor choice in communicating with your spouse, requesting a do-over in the moment is an impactful way to quickly course-correct the interaction. Here are 3 times to ask for one:

1. When your tone is off

It’s not always what you say, it’s how you say it. Whether your tone was snippy, impatient, or sarcastic, it can take your conversation from cordial to conflict before you know it. Your tone is like an outlet for the emotions you feel bubbling just below the surface, and that makes it hard to control (even when you think you are). It takes awareness, intention, and practice – and no one is perfect. That means responding with an overly negative tone is going to happen from time to time, but that doesn’t mean you’re doomed to a fight each time. When you recognize that you’ve snapped at your spouse or replied in a tone you didn’t intend, correct the course of the interaction by asking for a do-over. You might say something like, “I’m sorry, that’s not how I wanted to respond to you. Can I try that again?” By identifying and correcting your mistake quickly, you can avoid veering into an argument, hurt feelings, and disconnection.

2. When defensiveness takes over

Your spouse makes a comment that strikes a nerve. You get defensive and respond critically, sparking a similar reaction in your spouse. This can be a vicious cycle, and the longer it continues, the harder it is to talk through issues and be open, authentic, and vulnerable with each other. Stopping this cycle in its tracks has a positive effect on many areas of your relationship, including your communication and conflict resolution. That’s why requesting a do-over when you’ve gotten defensive is a powerful way to own your feelings and divert a negative spiral into a chance to learn and grow.

3. When your listening is subpar

Your spouse is sharing something with you – maybe it’s the frustrations of their day, an update on a friend, or the feelings that have been nagging at them lately. You nod along, but are you really listening? Perhaps you’ve got a lot on your mind, you’re scrolling your phone simultaneously, or you’re mentally crafting your own response to what they’re saying. Whatever the case, you realize you’re not truly hearing what your partner is saying. Before they get too much further (and instead of pretending you were listening all along) politely interject and own up to the fact that you were not giving your full attention, then make sure you do. Practice active listening by reflecting back what they’ve shared.

As humans, we’re going to make mistakes, and that includes in communicating with your spouse. You’re going to say things you don’t mean, in ways you don’t mean. You’re going to listen poorly from time to time. But these missteps don’t have to determine the outcome of an interaction or perpetuate negative communication cycles. Asking for a do-over (and granting one) can help you practice good communication in the moment – with intention.