How can you tell the seasons are changing? Aside from the calendar, you probably notice changes in the weather, the amount of sunlight streaming through the curtains in the morning, or the time you spend outdoors in the evening. Maybe the pace of your job or your kids’ schedules pick up or slow down. Holiday festivities get replaced by graduation parties and weddings.
How do you know when you’re transitioning to a new season in your marriage? It’s not always as clear – there are fewer external cues. Instead, there’s often just a feeling, a sense that things are shifting – which can manifest in different ways. Wondering what those are? Here are 3 signs you might be entering a new season, and what you need to know about each one.
Sign #1: Things seem harder than usual.
Maybe you are fighting with your spouse over little things and just can’t seem to get on the same page. As much as you’re both trying, communication has been a struggle lately. Perhaps your kids have been particularly challenging lately, and routines that used to go smoothly are now a test of your patience. You feel like you’re floundering in roles, whether that’s as a spouse, parent, or even in your job. Instead of feeling competent and confident like you typically do, everything just feels hard right now.
What to know: First off, let’s acknowledge that it’s not fun to feel like you’re flailing (or failing). However, as uncomfortable as it can be, it’s often a sign that you’re on the cusp of growth. Think about when you’re learning a new skill or activity. There’s often an awkward period where you’re fumbling along trying to figure things out. It’s all part of the learning process. The same goes for when you’re entering a new season. You’re facing new challenges and problems and trying to figure out what works and what doesn’t. It’s trial and error, mistakes and messiness, and it can be difficult to see what’s coming on the other side. Instead of letting it drag you down, focus on the fact that you’re gaining experience and insight that will help you in this new phase of life.
Sign #2: You feel closer – or further apart.
Navigating change, uncertainty, or new experiences in your day-to-day life means you might be leaning on each other as a source of security and support. Whether you’re spending extra time together or not, you’re feeling really emotionally connected. Or, you could be experiencing the opposite. Perhaps new or increased obligations are pulling you in opposite directions or have you both in survival mode, leaving little time or energy for each other.
What to know: It’s completely normal for your levels of closeness and connection to go up and down throughout the course of your marriage. It’s actually a healthy relationship response to the stressors, crises, or adversity that can throw your typical “baseline” for a loop. The key is that you gradually return to balanced level of closeness versus venturing into the extremes of codependence or disconnection. Keep in mind, it can require effort and intention to get back to balanced – it won’t always happen on its own. Prioritize your relationship while taking steps to find that sense of balance again – whether that is carving out more quality time or supporting each other in pursuing individual hobbies you’ve abandoned.
Sign #3: Life feels chaotic.
Various factors are causing your usual routines and schedules to shift and change. Your days might feel like they lack their usual rhythm and predictability. If you’re someone who prefers routine over uncertainty, this can leave you feeling untethered and out of sorts. If you don’t mind change, things might just seem a little crazier than usual, but you’re able to go with the flow.
What to know: This sense of chaos is typically only temporary. It can be helpful to remind yourself of this when it feels like this is your new normal. It’s your normal right now, but not forever! Just as your level of connection ebbs and flows throughout marriage, so too does the sense of order and predictability. Whether a new baby has turned your Type A household into “Anything Goes,” a new work schedule forces you to rearrange your lives, or growing kids and their activities mean increasingly busy schedules, there will be a transition period as you figure things out and settle into a new rhythm. Before you know it, what once was a struggle will feel like second nature.
As with many things in life, we often lack a clear perspective until we’re viewing it in hindsight. When you and your spouse are in the midst of a transition that tests your resolve and pushes you beyond what’s familiar, you might start to question things: What’s going on? Is this normal? Is this how it’s always going to be? These worries are normal, but just remember that on the other side of the struggle lies a rewarding new season of life together.
Thanks. One season you did not refer to is the season of aging/failing health that is another big adjustment as one person transitions into caregiver for the other. I see a lot of this as a long term care chaplain, as well as in my own marriage
Very true. Could you share tips you’ve gleaned for couples transitioning to physical need / caregiver roles?
I have never replied here before…First of all, it is very tough! I took care of my late husband for over 25+ years. One of the toughest things can be to only be the caregiver. One must learn to separate the role of caregiver from that of one’s spouse. In my case, my late husband was still capable of making his own decisions and whether or not I liked his decision, I had to remind myself that I was his wife, not his momma, not “just” his caregiver, but 1st and foremost, his wife. It was very difficult at times, but it was essential. Also, remember that their experience is very different from yours and they many not like the fact that you are now taking care of them, even though you do it willingly, and that can cause problems as well. The most important thing I did to get through was to lean on my faith and when I thought I was going to fall down and break – Jesus put His arms around me and held me up!
Thank you for sharing. God Bless