Figuring out who does what around the house can sometimes seem like the more practical, straightforward part of a marriage. You can write down a list of tasks, divide them up, and check them off when you’re done. Simple as that! Or is it?
For some couples, a harmonious division of household responsibilities comes naturally with few issues. For others, it can be an ongoing source of conflict and resentment. For many, it falls somewhere in between. It turns out that several factors make running a household more complicated than it seems. Let’s dive into some of them.
Unspoken expectations
Couples tend to carry lots of unintentional assumptions or preconceived notions about who will do what in their marriage. Often this is based on what they observed in their parents’ marriage growing up; it’s natural to assume that’s the “normal” way things are done. This might leave you at odds if your partner grew up witnessing something very different. Bring these expectations out in the open by having a conversation about them. If you’re not sure what assumptions you’re carrying with you, just talk about how things were run in your household growing up and any feelings you have about that today. Be open-minded and flexible. While you might think you and your spouse are already on the same page, you’d be surprised what might come up by actually talking about it. Maybe you both assumed the other person would be responsible for monitoring the monthly budget. Clearing this up from the start will help you prevent a fight (or overspending) down the road.
Life changes
One issue that’s not always addressed in the aforementioned conversation is what happens when your circumstances change. For instance, what if you move? Maybe you got married while living in an apartment, but now that you’ve purchased a home, there are a myriad of new tasks and responsibilities to be accounted for. Take time to assess (and reassess) what these things are and who will do what. Keep in mind that when you go into a big life change, there will be a lot of learning as you go in terms of all that needs to be done. Knowing this, it can be helpful to plan regular check-ins to ensure one person isn’t feeling overwhelmed or underutilized and that tasks aren’t falling through the cracks. What other life or situational changes might come up that require you to reassess the division of tasks? Things like having a baby, changing jobs, kids entering a new stage, etc. are all shifts that might impact household responsibilities. Maybe nothing needs to change, or maybe a lot does. When in doubt, talk it out!
Mental load and invisible labor
Sometimes the most overwhelming part of all of the tasks, chores, and responsibilities are the things that are not always easily translated to a to-do list. It’s hard to have a conversation about it because much of it is comprised of abstract, mental work that eventually leads to a task or series of tasks. It’s the constant thinking, planning, deciding, and anticipating that goes into maintaining not only the household, but the wellbeing of everyone in it. Both of you might have your own versions of this already, and when you add children to the mix, it can become particularly draining and stressful. The best way to bring visibility to this work is to talk about it. Take time to ask each other, “What’s weighing on your mind or stressing you out right now? What can I do to help?” Sometimes just letting each other in on all that’s occupying your brain or keeping you up at night – and feeling like your partner understands – can feel like a weight lifted and that you’re not shouldering it all on your own. If you’re truly feeling overwhelmed, be willing to ask your spouse for help. While the mental load is difficult to transfer, let them help you with the actual tasks that come out of it when you can.
Going into marriage, most people are at least somewhat aware of the mundane, not-so-exciting parts of sharing a life and a home. Who pays the bills, cleans the bathroom, mows the lawn, or makes the appointments might seem like simple decisions on paper, but in reality are often attached to a tangle of hidden complexities. If you want to prevent it from causing major issues in your relationship, communication is going to be your best friend through it all.
Great topic. Every-day things can get complex. Thanks for posting
The mental load/invisible labor paragraph of this blog resonated. Not mentioned, are the complexities of aging, specifically the cognition and memory challenges that come with aging…it’s a subtle but very big change in a couple’s relationship (for us 44+ years of marriage). You provide some great conversation approaches to address these life changes. Thank you!
Talking about household and life expectations is needed for a marriage to be healthy. My husband and I had to learn how to communicate our expectations through the years of our marriage so we could be on the same page about our family, work, and family.
Why do a honey to do list fall in the lap of men over a woman? Us Men must change that narrative in step up our game and put the shoe’s on the women’s feet. Making a Sweetie (woman) to do list the norm when it comes to chores in our marriage’s. I’m just saying Men we can do this…
I agree on the mental load! My partner and I are from different cultures and this often shows up at the forefront of how the “home” culture person has a different mental responsibility than the “guest” culture person–and then vice versa if we are visiting each other’s cultures. I would love to see Prepare Enrich have more articles that address some of the complexities that come with cross-cultural relationships (whether than be visa stress, immigration stress, language-learning stress, parenting/caregiving in a different culture, etc.)
There is still the elephant in the room symbolizing gender inequality. There need be no honey do or sweetie do list if everyone takes responsibility for what is needed to be done to achieve peace and calm for all. Plus, the respect generated cannot be over emphasized.