“You made me so angry when you…”
“I felt really angry when you…”
These seem like similar statements on the surface, and the feeling behind them is certainly a common thread as well. While you could argue that it’s just a matter of semantics, the variation in wording can be reflective of a difference in mindset: blaming your spouse for your feelings versus taking ownership and responsibility for them.
Using “I statements” is a practical way to focus on owning your feelings in the midst of a discussion or argument. But what is the reasoning behind it? What happens when you do the self-reflective work around owning your feelings long before a conflict arises?
What exactly does it mean to “own your feelings”?
When we talk about owning our feelings, there are a couple different aspects. One part is that we acknowledge and identify our emotions instead of trying to ignore, bottle up, or minimize them. The other part is that we take responsibility for them, instead of blaming someone or something else for causing them.
All of this requires taking time to self-reflect and internally process the way we experience our feelings, what triggers them, and why. For most people, this is an ongoing learning experience that leads to better emotional intelligence and increased self-awareness.
Self-awareness helps you react with intention.
Have you ever started out having an innocent conversation with your spouse that somehow turns into a fight? Maybe it was your tone, a reflexively snippy reply, or getting defensive that derailed things. Whatever the case, it causes a domino effect of emotional reactions from both of you.
As you get better at recognizing your emotions and learn more about your triggers, you’ll also get better at reacting with intention in the heat of the moment – instead of letting your emotions get the best of you. You’re better able to take a step back and check yourself instead of saying something you regret or responding in a way that escalates the conversation.
Keep in mind, you’ll probably still react in ways you maybe wish you hadn’t. After all, you’re human, and reacting with intention doesn’t mean that emotions no longer affect you. But giving each other and yourself the space to be able to experience those feelings and say, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have reacted that way. I was getting defensive because I’m insecure about that,” is a powerful skill that can transform the way you communicate with each other.
Lowering defensiveness has a doubling effect.
When you react with calm intention instead of getting defensive, you’re less likely to attack your spouse with blame or criticism, which makes it less likely they’ll reciprocate and evoke more defensiveness from you. The positive effects of this ripple throughout your relationship, improving your communication patterns overall. You’ll able to express yourselves more accurately and really listen to each other, instead of worrying about defending yourself or deflecting blame. It becomes easier to let down our guards and be more vulnerable with each other, which is key to being truly connected.
Owning your feelings is empowering.
When we’re caught up in strong emotions, it’s natural to want to deflect them away from ourselves. You might dwell on the idea that your partner has “made you” feel a certain way. You place the blame on them, putting yourself in a passive role. You’re at the mercy of the people and circumstances around you. You can see how this mindset can be rather disheartening. On the other hand, owning your feelings takes you from passive – to empowered. You can’t control the words or actions of your spouse, or even the feelings they stir up in you. You can control how you manage and respond to them. Focusing on what’s within your control means you’re not stuck dwelling in negative emotions. You have a say in your own happiness and satisfaction!
There is no shortage of advice for dealing with conflict in marriage, but oftentimes the focus is on what to do or not do while it’s actually happening. By pulling back and exploring the idea of owning your feelings, you can see there’s really important work that both you and your spouse can do as individuals that will help you navigate relationship conflict in healthy and more productive ways.
Thanks a lot again for the insightful teachings.
This was very helpful. I appreciate these postings.
Awesome! Thank you
Love this blog!!! Such truth in owning our feelings! Allowing ourself to feel them, recognize the why and them and addressing how to move forward. I like the pause method. Also recently read a book called I do Boundaries. This blog reminds me of the statement of my feeling remain in my own yard and the others are In their yard!
I am a firm believer that It is my responsibility to teach others how to treat me. If I don’t say something, how will they know? Remember your mom saying “it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it! For teachable moments, the “I’s have it not the “you’s.” e.g, “I feel disrespected because… Instead of “You disrespected me.” Owning your feeling will not place the other person on the defense.
Gracias por estas enseñanzas tan baliosas
Sound advice. Thank you for sharing. Would have like to see some biblical references to help to drive this topic home.
I have been reading through Dr. Cloud’s ‘Changes that Heal’ book (you can borrow through many libraries) where he discusses this concept of taking responsibility for your feelings with really insightful Biblical references. The greater mantra for him is boundaries, of course, but owning our emotions is a key part of that. Hope that helps. 🙂
I think this is very empowering and helpful. However I need some help: how do I interpret something like the following – I feel this mess is from you either doing/not doing/being “x”…. and is usually delivered in an intense manner. I ask because I feel attacked, when the sentence structure tells me I’m supposed to hear a feeling so I question how I can respond constructively. Any recommendations are appreciated.
I have been trying to work through the skills of Non Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. I might suggest asking questions of the other that convey trying to understand fully the other person’s perspective. Though the words “I feel” were used….what is the actual feeling the other is experiencing? Are they frustrated, angry, sad, etc? If you question to seek understanding without judgement or criticism, then you could offer suggestions about what might resolve this “feeling” that the other is having. (You are not responsible for the feelings of another. Feelings are our own.) A “feeling” may come from something that is not even from you, so the questions to seek understanding and empathy are important. I am only half way through the book, but I have already caught myself in some unproductive habits that I will work to correct. Good communication is never easy, but is always necessary and important! Hang in there!
You are on target to be confused. People do this all the time. “I feel that…”, “I feel if you really cared, you would….” These set you up thinking a feeling is coming but it is not. There may a feeling there somewhere but what is really being communicated is a thought. Calmly go back to you partner when you get one of these statements and gently tell them that you think they just gave you a thought and it was….., “now is there a feeling with that thought that you want me to understand?” I believe that if feelings come after “I feel…., and thoughts come after “I think or I believe …”, so much communication confusion would be alleviated.
Wow wow! This is exactly what I needed to read. The reasoning behind “I statements” is so good. Thank you for this article!
A helpful article. When I’ve admitted my fault it usually diffuses the argument and opens the way to helpful discussion
I missed this but am keen to know if there’s a recording. Thanks
Esto es muy balioso
Your statement ‘I feel this mess’… etc. is stating a thought. When the feeling is stated immediately after the word ‘feel’ a person is expressing a feeling.e.g. I feel mad, bad, glad etc.. Many people state ‘I feel..this, that or the other .etc.” and think they are expressing a feeling, while in reality they are expressing a thought.
Good advice but hard for me to implement. As I’m sure many others were, I was raised in a family system that insisted I was responsible for how I make others feel, so the goal of owning one’s own feelings runs contrary to deep seated instruction. Then I came of age in a culture that discouraged men from showing any feelings at all, so get pretty good at minimizing and that’s a hard pattern to break. However, the issue I struggle with most is related to the this statement in the blog post: “You can control how you manage and respond to them” . So far in my 60+ years on this planet, I have not found much control of that. Often when I feel hurt, rejected, etc. then I am just overwhelmed by the emotion and am unable to think clearly. More guidance on how to actually manage and respond while under stress would be helpful.
I couldn’t agree more with the point on how empowering owning your feelings is. It allows us to avoid our natural default of blaming others for our current mood and frees us to move forward and/or respond to a situation in a positive – and often much more productive – way.