What’s something you control that can completely change your perspective, even when you don’t realize it exists? This might sound like some sort of brainteaser riddle, but it’s actually a key to feeling happier and more satisfied in your relationship. The answer? Well, if you guessed expectations, then you’re right!
Yep, our very own expectations have the power to make us feel disappointed or pleasantly surprised, as if we’re failing or succeeding, unfulfilled or content. If you’re curious about why, and how this insight affects your marriage, keep reading.
Expectations are sneaky.
It’s normal – and healthy – to have expectations. Some expectations are consciously held, like mutually agreeing with your spouse to always run weekend plans by each other first. Things get tricky when we don’t even realize we have them or know where they came from in the first place. When expectations are unspoken or ingrained in us, they can sneak up on you and cause conflict in your relationship, particularly when they’re not met or are at odds with your partner’s expectations. Find out more about how your expectations sneak up on you here.
Our expectations have a huge impact on our perception, including how we perceive our partner and relationship.
Think of the last movie you were really excited to see. Did it live up to the hype, or did you feel disappointed as the credits rolled? You may not have realized it, but if you had preconceived expectations for the movie, then your perception of it was likely skewed. It’s like seeing things through a filter that makes things seem slightly better or worse than the objective reality. Read more about the “expectation filter” here.
Now apply this idea to your marriage. How does this filter affect how you view your spouse? Are there times you’ve felt let down or disappointed because your expectations weren’t met? What happens when you try to remove the filter and see things more objectively? This can be a particularly game-changing shift of perspective.
How do we manage expectations in our relationship?
By now you can probably see how your expectations can cloud the true nature of the situation at hand, preventing you from experiencing things as they are. You might be thinking of a couple fights you’ve had that stemmed from unmet or unaligned expectations. Luckily, you don’t have to just sit back and let them wreak havoc on the harmony on your relationship. Instead, remember these two things: communicate expectations and adjust them as needed. This is a great foundational habit to work on, but the reality is, no one is perfect. There will be times you may need to check your expectations, especially if you’re experiencing any of these signs.
In a healthy relationship, you and your partner both invest energy into meeting each other’s needs, working through issues, and growing together. So when you’re feeling dissatisfied, it’s natural to want to look to the other person for answers. Sometimes they might have them. Other times, it’s valuable to do some self-reflection to see how you might be contributing to the problem. You may find you’re able to change your entire perspective and experience of your relationship simply by checking your expectations.
It’s not just about expecting too much.
You might be thinking the key to avoiding unmet expectations is simply to lower them or even to have none at all. The fact is, having expectations is a good thing. They not only create accountability and establish boundaries, they also inspire us to be better people, for both ourselves and our partner. Expectations that are too low or nonexistent can be just as problematic. For example, if disrespect between you and your spouse is par for the course or if there is no expectation of effort and investment into maintaining connection and growing as a couple, it might be good to have a conversation about the baseline expectations of a healthy, vitalized relationship. Of course, there are situations when the issue goes beyond just having low expectations. If abuse, addiction, mental illness, or other serious issues are present, consider seeking guidance from a trusted professional.
Our expectations affect our relationship in complex ways. When you understand that dissatisfaction and conflict often the result of unmet expectations, it can be a bit disconcerting. However, on the heels of that realization comes the recognition that you have the power within yourself to feel happier and more satisfied in your relationship through increasing awareness of your expectations and learning to manage them.
This is a beautiful article. It’s one that I want to share with my parish and at the same time encourage them to do a couple checkup with one of our pastors. Thank you!
this article will certainly aid in my small group interacton.
this article will certainly aid in my committed wives group..