Start Liking Your Spouse As Much As You Love Them

You know you love your spouse… but have you have ever found yourself wondering if you actually like them? Maybe it was just a fleeting thought, when they did that thing that annoys you again. Or maybe it lasted longer, during a rough patch in your marriage where you couldn’t seem to get in sync. Or perhaps you’re confused by the question: Isn’t loving and liking your spouse one and the same? Surprisingly, it’s not.

It might seem contradictory, but loving and liking someone are actually two different emotions. Think of love as a reflection of how you feel internally about someone, while liking them is more of an appreciation for who they are. Ideally, these two emotions are aligned. But marriage can be complicated, and sometimes they’re not. You might feel like you’re constantly critical, annoyed, or negative with each other, or even dislike spending time together – even though you know you love each other dearly. So what gives? Are there things you can do to get back to liking your spouse as much as you love them? Keep reading.

1. Nurture your friendship.

It seems so basic, and yet one of the aspects of marriage that is easily neglected over time is the friendship between you and your spouse. Sure, you’re married, run a household together, possibly have children, and are committed to your lives together – isn’t that enough? While those things are all important, actually being friends with your spouse is a major factor in the overall happiness and longevity of your marriage – and this friendship requires intention. Think of your other friends. Chances are you actually admire and appreciate them as people and enjoy spending time with them. What kinds of things do you do to keep those friendships strong? Do you make an effort to have fun together? Do you try to be thoughtful, encouraging, and supportive? Do you focus on their positive traits? Now ask yourself: are you doing those things in your marriage?

2. Separate the person from the behavior.

Sometimes the feeling of disliking your spouse can stem from an action – maybe something they said or did, or something they do continuously, like a habit or recurring behavior. It can be difficult, but try to separate the behavior from them as a person. You might dislike something they do, but that doesn’t mean you have to dislike who they are. We all have habits that others might find annoying or undesirable, and we probably hope that our loved ones don’t hold them against us. Give your spouse that same grace. If there are bigger issues at play, such as excessive moodiness or controlling behavior, consider sitting down for a serious conversation about what’s really going on, and get help from a professional if necessary.

3. Don’t forget who you are as individuals.

Once you’re married, there’s a lot of focus on your identity as a couple – your sense of “we”. Healthy relationships have a good amount of this, and it’s not unusual for the “we” mentality take priority. It makes sense, as you understandably want to put your marriage and spouse first. What’s important is that it’s balanced out by both partners maintaining their self-identity. Having your own separate likes and dislikes, hobbies, interests, friends, etc. is critical to having a healthy sense of self. This uniqueness is a big part of what initially drew you and your partner to each other in the first place, and giving each other the space to continue growing and evolving as individuals – together – will ultimately strengthen your relationship in the long run.

4. Reset your perspective.

Over time, we tend to zero in on the negatives. Maybe the personality traits and quirks that you once found charming you now find annoying. You tend to view your spouse more critically, unable to ignore the flaws you once overlooked. Time to check yourself and get back to seeing each other in a positive light. Next time you find yourself getting irritated or on the verge of making a critical remark, try to flip your perspective by seeing the positive side instead. Or try this exercise: think about how you might “sell” your spouse to someone who doesn’t know them. It might sound silly, but you’d play up all their positives, right? Try to lean into this mindset.

5. Prioritize your relationship.

It happens – you unintentionally fall into a relationship rut. Maybe your communication has been subpar lately, or you’ve both been stressed out and short with each other . Or you’re so wrapped up with your kids, jobs, and the day-to-day grind that you no longer get to enjoy the fun-loving side of each other. Get back to the couple you used to be by making sure you are prioritizing quality time and your relationship overall. Schedule date nights or commit to daily check-ins where you focus on your marriage. Sure, your children are obviously important, but the quality of your relationship acts as a foundation and sets the tone for your family.

6. Do some self-reflection.

When you’re dealing with (or failing to deal with) your own personal issues, it’s not uncommon to project that onto the people closest to you, i.e. your spouse. When you’re feeling bad, that negativity can create a cycle within your relationship that builds upon itself. You see the worst in yourself, and you see the worst in your partner, too. Take some time to reflect on whether you’ve got stuff you need to work through. Talk about it with your spouse. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable increases your emotional intimacy, which can help you get back to appreciating each other again.

Hopefully, you’ve never (or rarely) had the experience of disliking your spouse. If you have, or are in it right now, you’re not alone. Your relationship is not doomed. With intention and a willingness to reframe a negative perspective, you can get back to liking your spouse as much as you love them.