Stacking Your Way to a Stronger Marriage

When the new year rolls around, you probably hear a lot about resolutions and goals – whether you’re setting them or not. The thing about both of them is they tend to be a bit abstract. While it’s great to be ambitious, resolutions and goals that are too broad, vague, or unrealistic can actually have the opposite effect that you intended. You end up feeling unmotivated – like you’ve failed before you’ve even begun. At that point, why even try at all?

Of course, the key to avoiding this letdown is to a) adjust your goals and resolutions to be reasonable and specific, and b) break them down into smaller, achievable chunks. These smaller chunks might come in the form of “micro” goals leading up to a bigger achievement. Or you might think of them in terms of developing new habits that support your resolution or goal.

Developing habits that contribute to your personal or relationship wellbeing is great because it promotes changes that are sustainable over time. They are incorporated into your life instead of rearranging everything to accommodate a certain behavior (think healthy eating habits versus a super-strict fad diet). Still, starting new habits and getting them to stick isn’t easy either. But there is a trick to increase your chances of success.

In a 2014 book by S.J. Scott, he coined the phrase “habit stacking,” which refers to the idea of linking new habits to existing habits or routines. It leverages the patterns and behaviors you already have built into your brain, helping you complete actions more efficiently while also building momentum that helps them stick. So what does this look like? Here are a few examples.

• After I start the coffee brewing, I will empty the dishwasher.
• Before I get dressed, I will make the bed.
• After I brush my teeth, I will wipe down the counter.

Now, here’s where it gets interesting. What happens if you apply this idea to your marriage? We know that developing habits that keep your relationship strong is important, but it can be difficult starting them out of the blue and incorporating them into your already busy lives. For instance, vowing to start a weekly date night when you’ve barely gone on a handful of dates in the past year might sound awesome in theory, but it’s going to take lots of planning and intention in order to stick to it over time. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t aim high – if you can do, that’s great! But if you’re wondering how you might incorporate healthy habits into your marriage in a way that is sustainable, then habit stacking might be just the ticket.

Here are four tips for habit stacking your way to a stronger marriage:

1. Determine your overall goals.

Sit down with your spouse and discuss a few goals you have for your marriage, then break those down into smaller steps or habits that contribute to your larger goal. For example, you might have the overall goal of being more appreciative of each other. Working backward from that, you might agree to take five minutes each day to each share what you appreciated most about each other. If you already know specific habits you’d like to create, you can start from there. Jot down a short list of the habits you’d like to act on.

2. Think through your cue options.

In other words, what is the existing habit or occurrence that will trigger your new habit? Consider both things you do every day (brushing your teeth) as well as things that happen to you every day (the sun rises). Now think about where it makes sense to stack the items from your list. You might decide: every evening after we clean up dinner, we’ll sit at the counter and share what we appreciated most about each other that day. Do you see how stacking it after something you’re already doing makes it much easier than trying to do it at a random time? Of course, you’ll want to keep in mind that you won’t always have dinner at home together, so consider having a backup plan for those situations as well.

3. Start small and be specific.

One of the keys to success when it comes to habit stacking is to be very specific about both the cue and the behavior you want to complete. When they are vague, it can be hard to follow through. For instance, if you say, every evening we’ll share our appreciation for each other. Okay, well, when will you do that? How will you show it? By being specific, you don’t have to figure out what you’re going to do, it can just be automatic. Similarly, you probably want to start with stacking just one or two new habits throughout your day to make them easier to remember and not be overwhelmed. You can add more as your new habits become ingrained into your routine.

4. Set an end date.

This is not necessarily a date to stop doing your newly-formed habit, but more a point in time to reflect on your progress, make adjustments, and celebrate what you’ve done. It also makes it less daunting to say, “Let’s try this for the next month,” instead of an unspecified length of time with no end.

While habit stacking is not a new concept, we’re always looking for practical, realistic ways to help you strengthen your relationship. The fact that this hack lends to efficiency and increases your chances of sticking to marriage-boosting habits makes it a game-changer. You and your spouse will gain momentum you can build on, leaving you feeling confident and capable of reaching even bigger goals together.