Planning to Prioritize Your Marriage

If you have children, you know how much planning goes into their wellbeing. You set their daily schedules, make appointments, and arrange childcare. You plan their birthday parties and register for summer camp months in advance. It seems non-negotiable – just part of being a parent.

You put lots of time, energy, and resources into making sure the upcoming months include what your kids needs to grow and thrive. Can you say the same about your marriage?

The ideal answer, of course, is yes, but it’s definitely not the most common. You might squeeze in a date night once or twice a month, but often the longer-term, more intentional planning is reserved for things that involve the children or whole family. We’re not arguing the practicality or importance of that. Rather, it got us thinking about the role of planning and how it relates to the way we prioritize different areas of our lives. Let’s explore.

Take inventory

Think through the things you plan for your children/family versus for your marriage and you as a couple. Jot them down if it’s helpful.

• Are the lists comparable or lopsided? What types of things are on each list? Think fun/special versus routine/day-to-day.
• Do you notice any obvious gaps on the marriage side? For example, you plan a celebration for the kids’ birthdays every year, but what about your own birthdays or your anniversary?
• Brainstorm ways you can even out that list. Think beyond date nights – vacations/staycations/weekends away, marriage classes/counseling, other types of classes/activities you want to try together, rec sports league, celebrations, days when the grandparents can take the kids – anything that enables you to focus on each other and invest in your relationship.

Shift your perspective

Things that require planning ahead often get prioritized simply because there’s a mental load and/or deadline attached to them. It’s sort of a squeaky-wheel-gets-the-grease situation.

• Reflect on how often the amount of planning is directly proportionate to the importance of what you’re planning – think short-term and long-term benefits.
• If it feels like you don’t have room on your plate for more planning, are there ways you can be more intentional or efficient with where you’re putting that energy? Do you need to share the mental load more equally?
• Focusing on your marriage can feel like a luxury – a “nice to have” but not a necessity. What mental adjustments or perspective shifts can you make to prioritize your marriage when other things feel much more urgent or pressing?

Work smarter, not harder

You’ve probably heard of batch working, which involves doing a bunch of one task at once to increase your productivity. Basically, if you’re in the mindset and flow of a specific task, why not do more of it while you’re there? Next time you’re sitting down to plan out activities or events for your kids or the family, consider:

• How can you incorporate marriage-focused planning into the planning you’re already doing?
• What benefits might come from this new approach?

Leverage your strengths

Some people are natural-born planners. It comes easily to them, and they enjoy it. Other people are more spontaneous and prefer to go with the flow.

• Where do you and your spouse fall?
• How can you use your unique combination of personalities to benefit planning for your marriage? For example, if one of you loves digging into all the logistics and details, while the other is the long-term dreamer, what types of plans can you make?

We all know we should consistently be prioritizing our marriage, but sometimes our actions don’t reflect this. While there are no right or wrong answers to these questions, they hopefully get you thinking about whether the planning you’re putting energy into aligns with your priorities, and where your marriage fits into that.