Navigating a Family Emergency Together

A middle of the night phone call bearing bad news. A family member in crisis. An unexpected hardship. Are you and your spouse prepared to handle a family emergency?

The reality is, no one is really fully prepared when something like this happens. Not only is the event scary and stressful in itself, but it can potentially throw your relationship with your partner and other family members for a loop. With that in mind, we’re sharing some tips and insights to help you better navigate a family emergency together.

Understanding the vast impact of a stressful event

When it comes to a family crisis, most attention usually goes to the event itself (the stressor). What we often don’t take into account are the waves and ripples that the stressor sets off throughout the entire family system. These reverberations are felt at the individual level as well as in the dynamics and interactions of between family members.

At an individual level, personality has a tendency to shift to an unbalanced or more extreme version of itself under stress. For example, if you tend to be a very organized person, you might feel the urge to go overboard with cleaning or scheduling as a way to cope with the stressor. Or if you’re usually pretty go-with-the-flow, you might find yourself letting responsibilities fall to the wayside. Understanding how you respond to stress and learning to recognize when you need to recenter yourself can be a helpful skill not only in normal circumstances, but especially when dealing with a crisis. Of course, some people are better at this than others, and some situations are overwhelming even for the most composed individuals.

You can also apply this same idea at the relationship level. Think of it this way: any existing family dynamics, good or bad, will likely intensify. For example, if you and your oldest sibling are normally very close, a crisis may strengthen that bond even more. If you and your father have a challenging relationship, there’s a good chance that conflict might flare up.

When we apply this idea to the family as a whole, it’s helpful to consider two different factors: closeness (how connected family members feel to each other) and flexibility (how adaptable the family is to change). Families that exhibit balanced levels of these dimensions typically function in healthier ways. Just like personalities and relationships, families tend to shift to a more unbalanced state in response to a crisis; this is normal. The thing that sets resilient families apart from others, however, is the ability to “bounce back” to a more balanced level of functioning. (If you’ve taken Prepare/Enrich, you might recall a section called the Family Map, which illustrates this exact concept!)

With these insights in mind, consider how all of these layers might also feed into and off of each other. You can probably begin to see why a family crisis can feel so chaotic. Fortunately, we’ve got some tips to help you and your spouse support each other through a high-stress situation while minimizing relationship strain.

1. Strive to be flexible.

As mentioned above, flexibility is crucial for families to be able to rebound from a significant stressor, and it’s just as important to having a strong, resilient couple relationship! (If you took Prepare/Enrich, this is illustrated in the Couple Map.) When a crisis throws your normal routines and responsibilities out of whack, being flexible means you and your spouse are able to adjust and adapt to meet these out-of-the-ordinary demands. It might mean one partner has to hold down the fort at home while the other person is with their family. It might mean changing plans at the last minute or things being uncertain or up in the air for a period of time. You might feel like you’re operating in “survival mode” for awhile. Understand that this is normal – and usually temporary.

2. Prioritize communication.

If there is ever a time when communication is vital, this is it. Not only will you likely have to do some extra communicating around logistical stuff, it’s just as important to stay connected to each other emotionally as well. Depending on the situation, there might be a lot of feelings to process, whether it’s worry, grief, anger, resentment. Going through those things alone can feel pretty isolating, so remember your spouse is in your corner. They may not be able to solve your issues or take away difficult emotions (and that’s not their job), but simply having someone to walk through the tough times with you can make a world of difference.

3. Remember that you’re a team.

Stressful situations can test your relationship, which makes it a great time to lean into your team mentality. Good teammates have each other’s back, picking up slack for each other when necessary. If one of you is unable to cover your usual responsibilities, your partner can be supportive by doing their best to cover and accommodate this temporary change. On the flip side, it can be difficult feeling like you’re not doing your share when unexpected family obligations pop up. You might feel guilty or that you’re struggling on both fronts. Give yourself some grace, and try to accept help from your spouse the best that you can. Remember that you’d do the same for them.

Ultimately, every family – and couple – is unique. Relationships are nuanced and solutions are not one-size-fits-all. Hopefully, however, these tips and insights can help you better understand some of the common sources of conflict that tend to bubble up during a family crisis. With this understanding, you can feel better equipped and prepared to navigate a difficult time together.