Do you ever feel like you’re failing in various aspects of marriage? If so, you’re not alone. Marriage is hard. Sure, there are “best practices,” but there’s no instruction manual that lays it out step by step. So it can feel like you’re floundering – making it up as you go and unsure whether you’re getting anywhere. Are we doing this right?
We’ve got some good news for you. Sometimes things that feel like struggles or failures are actually successes in disguise. Curious about some examples? Read on.
Constantly disagreeing with each other
You say beach, they say mountains. You say go out, they say stay in. If sounds like you and your spouse, that’s okay! Being able to respectfully disagree with each other on both superficial and significant issues without progressing to a blowout fight is a good sign in your relationship. It means you both feel emotionally safe and secure enough to voice your thoughts and opinions without disrespect, judgment, or hurt feelings. When it comes to working through issues, this is an invaluable skill. Just make sure you’re really listening to each other, too.
Calling each other out
“Hey, I really didn’t appreciate that comment.” When you’re getting called out on something, it can feel like you’re failing. Even if you’re the one doing the calling out, it might feel like you’re nagging or being critical. However, if you call each other out in a kind way that focuses on a behavior (instead of attacking each other personally) and you’re able to respond to this feedback with minimal defensiveness, then you’re definitely doing something right. It means you’re not sweeping things under the rug where they accumulate and grow into a bigger conflict that pops up later. Instead, you deal with them in the moment, nipping resentment and complacency in the bud.
Doing things differently from everyone else
Maybe you’re not following the “normal” timeline for marriage, or you don’t share about your relationship on social media like it seems everyone else is. Perhaps you handle your finances or split your responsibilities in a quirky way. That’s great! It means you’re doing what feels right for you, your spouse, and your marriage. You’re making decisions based on that, instead of what is expected, accepted, or works for others. Don’t get discouraged if it feels like you’re the odd couple out. No two marriages are alike, so it follows suit that there’s not a one-size-fits-all way it should be done.
Going to marriage counseling
Unfortunately, there can still be a stigma attached to marriage counseling, and that means couples often don’t seek help until it’s too late. Going to counseling does not mean you failed. In fact, if you’ve taken the proactive step to see a counselor early in your marriage, that deserves some major props. It shows you’re both committed and invested in your relationship and that you’re open to new ways of resolving issues. These are ingredients for marital success.
No one wants to feel like they’re constantly struggling and making no progress. In marriage, that can be particularly discouraging. That’s why it can be helpful to remember that even when it feels like you’re doing things wrong or failing in some way, the opposite might actually be true. Dealing with issues head on, embracing your own path, and not being afraid to seek outside help might make things feel a little bumpy, but you can take heart that you’re doing good things for your marriage.
Your messages are so important and helpful.
Thank you for this. My wife and I recently started counseling again as a way to improve our skills in resolving conflict. We do an okay job but we saw we could use some room for improvement so we took the necessary steps to try. I love these posts and appreciate the insight!!
On “Calling each other out” I would have appreciated a more constructive way to word “I don’t appreciate that comment.” An alternate example would be helpful.
Try using statements to describe how the comment made you feel… that way you’re explaining the impact it had on you and not playing the ‘blame game’ – it also helps diffuse your partner feeling attacked if you are expressing your feelings.
“I felt frustrated because …”
“I felt embarrassed when you said…”
“I felt triggered when you did…”
“That comment made me feel…”
Hope these examples help!
Using descriptive words to express how a particular occurrence impact their loved one can leave room for greater depth of discussion instead of breakdown of further communication of one or both partners. Often, their intention was to not harm, therefore, they are given an opportunity to make a better choice going forward, which demonstrates vulnerability and careful responses to feedback.
Thank you for this comment, I really needed to hear it right now.
Marriage counseling isn’t a bad thing. It has helped me to process something that made me angry. I learn so much about myself and strategies to deal with stressful situations.
This is quite an encouraging article and needed some affirmation on things, especially regarding the “doing things differently than everybody else” part. I feel we have been under some attack recently about that. Thank you for this.
“I feel hurt, degraded, etc, when I hear you say/do….
Try using statements to describe how the comment made you feel… that way you’re explaining the impact it had on you and not playing the ‘blame game’ – it also helps diffuse your partner feeling attacked if you are expressing your feelings.
“I felt frustrated because …”
“I felt embarrassed when you said…”
“I felt triggered when you did…”
“That comment made me feel…”
Hope these examples help!
Thanks for this reminder. Sometimes society makes me feel like my marriage is weird because of how me and husband choose to spend our time. We have tried the traditional ways and find ourselves laughing about how weird it feels. We have done some counseling that have improve our communication skills with each other.
I’ve definitely felt like I was nagging too much. It’s hard for me not to express myself verbally. But I’ve learned everything doesn’t warrant a discussion. And more importantly my husband needs time to gather his thoughts when we do discuss issues within the marriage. He is better at writing his concerns down. We both try not to get defensive and hear the other person…easier said than done.
Your comments are right on!
We are approaching 58 years of marriage and we have experienced ALL of the scenarios you have depicted; the disagreements, the alternate directions, the saying, “I don’t like you right now, but I still love you.” and even the counseling. Each year we are together we grow and are more deeply committed to each other.
I wish I could get help with my marriage – we are not on the same page any more and constantly disagreeing in every topic . I tried finding a counselor and NOONE has appointments available , almost like we need to separate . Thanks for the messages I enjoy them but it does take two .
Hi Louise, Donna here from Living Well Life Coaching. I have appointments available for marriage coaching/counselling. I find even if one partner get help it makes a big difference. Phone me to make an appointment. I in Brisbane or Zoom or Skype is great.
kind regards
Donna
It actually, only takes one. And that one person who looks for ways to reconcile with a ‘make it better’ attitude, and forgiveness in their hand is the more mature person in the relationship,
These thoughts are insightful!
But sometimes it’s difficult to think it’s ok when actually you don’t feel ok. I’m glad to know if one remains positive in ‘difficult times’ one can feel better and stronger and not think they’re failing.