They say “no man is an island,” and no marriage is either. Your marriage is affected by everything around you, which includes the attitudes and values placed on marriage by those in your circle and the communities you’re part of.
Think about it. If you surround yourself with friends who are constantly devaluing their spouse, or you never had an example of a healthy marriage growing up, there’s a good chance your attitudes toward your spouse and marriage will be influenced. If your employer or your church doesn’t offer much support for marriage and family, that’s another message that you might begin to internalize.
Of course, the opposite is true as well. Surrounding yourself with people who support and champion marriage can have a positive effect on your own. Plus, it’s reciprocal, which means when you invest in their marriages, you’re perpetuating this cycle.
Okay, so how do you actually invest in others’ marriages?
When you invest in your own marriage, you prioritize your relationship and put in the care and effort to make it last a lifetime. While you can’t necessarily strengthen other couples’ marriages for them, you can help and empower them to do it on their own. Here are some examples and opportunities to consider:
Start a childcare/babysitting rotation among friends and family.
If you have small children, you probably know first-hand that finding someone to watch the kids is often an obstacle to going on regular date nights or getting to spend as much one-on-one time with your spouse. However, being intentional about maintaining this aspect of your relationship is important. Team up with your couple friends, siblings, or trusted neighbors to arrange a swap or rotation to watch each other’s kids a few times a year. This way no one is bearing too much of the so-called burden, and you’re helping other couples get some well-deserved quality time. It’s also a great way to strengthen bonds with other families, solidifying the village that can be an ongoing source of support for your own marriage and family.
Take initiative in your church or community.
Does your church offer a marriage mentor program or something similar to support newly married couples? If not, consider who you might connect with to get one started. If marriage mentoring sounds intimidating, don’t worry. It’s not about trying to model the “ideal” marriage – it’s just couples with strong marriages who are still growing and learning in their own right, walking alongside other couples as they navigate life together. If this isn’t your style, look for more casual opportunities to support other couples. Maybe you make a point to wish them a happy anniversary or recognize what an achievement it is. Is there a new couple or family who just moved into your neighborhood? Introduce yourselves and let them know you’re there if they need anything. Maybe they don’t have family nearby to help them out; being a source of support they can lean on can make a huge difference in the wellbeing of their marriage and family.
Have a positive influence.
As mentioned earlier, your marriage is influenced by those around you – and this goes the other way, too. Your attitude towards your spouse and marriage, the way you talk about it, what you share, and the way you respond to others when they do the same influences others more than you know. For example, if your friend comes to you in a negative state of mind to vent about their marriage struggles, it’s natural to want to empathize. However, this can quickly turn into a habit of marriage or spouse-bashing that can negatively affect both of you. Instead, try to be supportive and understanding while also instilling hope. Normalize the struggles of marriage while stoking optimism and a desire to keep working on it. When you put this type of marriage positivity out into the world, it’s not only a great way to invest in the marriages around you, it also tends to come back to you.
These might seem like relatively small gestures, but they build on themselves in a cyclical way that can truly change and enrich your community over time. In the same way that investing in your own marriage helps it go the distance, the actions and attitudes that you cultivate among your circle now can potentially have an influence for generations.
Thank you. Helping others is great and make sense, but investing in your own marriage makes even more sense. You must get it right first, in order to help another marriage.