Do you and your spouse share interests or hobbies? If so, that’s great! Spending quality time together doing things you both enjoy probably comes easily to you. This is a relationship strength that will help you stay connected and nurture your friendship throughout your marriage. But what if your interests don’t converge? Are you doomed to drift apart? We don’t think so. In fact, maintaining separate interests and your individual sense of identity can be good for your relationship, too. It’s all about balance.
Let’s explore some tips for staying connected when you don’t share many interests.
Establish a daily connection ritual.
If you’re running in opposite directions due to busy schedules or to pursue separate hobbies, having a consistent opportunity to connect on a daily basis can give you a sense of security. Maybe you make sure you go to bed at the same time together every night or you always drink a cup of coffee together in the morning before anyone else wakes up. Whatever it is, find something that allows you to touch base, share about your day, or center yourselves as a couple. Make it an intentional part of your day that you prioritize.
Check in regularly.
Even if you are both generally satisfied with the time you spend together, don’t assume that this is always the case. Individual and relationship needs change, so make it a habit to check in with each other to see if either of you are craving some quality couple time. Through good communication, you can ensure you stay on the same page, which can be especially helpful as you move through different seasons of life.
Go for quality over quantity.
When it comes to your time together, balanced doesn’t always mean equal. Free yourselves from feeling that you need to match the actual amount of time you spend on separate interests to the amount of time together, and instead focus on the quality of your time together. When you’re fully present with each other, you can feel highly connected even after a short period of time. Work on figuring out and communicating about what helps you both feel most in tune with each other.
Lean into what you do have in common.
Maybe you don’t share any specific hobbies or pastimes, but chances are you have a few things in common. Capitalize on those things. If you share a sense of humor, go see a comedy show or watch your favorite comedian’s latest stand-up special. Big fans of a certain band or musician? Get tickets to go see them live. Both coffee snobs? Date your way through all the coffeeshops in the city. Whatever quirky things you have in common, make it special – let it be your thing.
Be open to trying new things.
Just because you don’t currently share a lot of interests, doesn’t mean you never will. Keep an open mind when it comes to trying new things together, or even re-trying an activity that you previously weren’t interested in. You never know when you’ll find something you both love. Not only that, but trying new things together gives you a burst of feel-good endorphins, similar to those when you were first dating.
Some couples have several hobbies they enjoy together. Some don’t. If you fall into the latter group, it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with your relationship. In fact, nurturing individual senses of identity alongside your identity as a couple can be a major strength. The key is to be cognizant of whether you feel balanced in your level of quality time and intentional about staying connected in other ways.
This is a good, counter-cultural but important and hopeful post. Thank you.
Honest question, why do you say it is counter-cultural? You mean it goes against current cultural trends?
A great reminder and a few practical suggestion. The danger is that couples forget all these and don’t even find time to remind themselves. Very soon and very subtly, they are quietly drafting apart.
This is a perfect post for me and my husband. We were married 6 weeks ago and both 70 years old. Common interests have been a concern of ours. We have some, but not many. I also believe that they will show up along the way if we stay open minded. This article is very beneficial to us. It gives us common sense ideas to continue building a strong relationship that we are committed to do.
Thank you
I agree with this blog! My husband and I do not share hobbies, but we both love politics. So we love to read together and share our views on political topics. We also love to just talk! He is a great conversationalist. We deeply connect on spiritual and intellectual topics, even when we do not agree. I feel very connected to him and understood by him, even though we do almost nothing together.
Never stop doing your homework in life, yes we are not in high school anymore;but doing homework still on everything in life today will help tremendously.
Study your spouse in a healthy way,get to know one another inside and out;not in a snooping way but in wanting to fill the others inmost desires in living way. I find this helpful in my relationship. HOMEWORK. make an acronym out of it. start with H for Her or H for Him. Homework from a stranger in comment from Me.
We are very understanding each other.we don’t talk that much we know what we want
My husband and I have absolutely NOTHING in common after 38 years together and he’s completely satisfied just watching sports on TV alone. He’s now a stubborn old grumpy man and I’m lost at what to do. Anything I suggest we do (other than watch sports on TV – which I can’t stand doing) he says no to. Even on a beautiful island paradise, he will watch TV and then tell me I’m nagging him if I want to do something like go for a walk together, ride a bike, kayak or shopping.
What do I do – because I think I’m done?
Even if you have no experience you can coach a local little league sport’s team- really it doesent take much but your time. Young people will be glad to have you, mainly because your showing interest in them. Your Beloved Husband will come aboard in assist you with all kind of ideas on what you should do to help the Lil kiddos. He might even get off the couch in come participate. I’ll be praying for You n Him n Your near 4 decade Marriage for a healthy change- in whatever decision you make. TAKE COURAGE TAKE CHARGE TAKE CARE. A dear friend you never met.
JRyan,
Not sure if you & your husband are people of faith. If you are, sounds like you need to ask our Heavenly Father to move on the heart of your husband to recall & recommit to his marriage vows. If you’re not people of faith, sounds like you may want to explore that as a viable option to consider & explore for your life.
My wife and I love making each other laugh. We go out of our way, every day, to find ways to make each other laugh. Sometimes it comes naturally and sometimes we have to get more creative but it works for us because it keeps us fresh and connected. Intellectual intimacy is important to us and so we read marriage books together and openly discuss the topics. We find that this allows us to know each on a deeper level. We believe that everything comes to a head in our spiritual intimacy when we worship together, pray together and engage in biblical discussion together. We absolutely adore how close we’ve become after 17 years of marriage and we look forward to helping other married couples achieve the same type of oneness.