Do you remember the last big discussion you had with your partner? Was it spur of the moment or planned in advance? Were you prepared for it?
We usually associate being prepared with things like taking a test, packing for a trip, or saving money in case of an emergency. Less often do we consider whether we’re prepared to talk to each other. But the fact is, preparing ourselves for an important conversation can be the difference between a game-changing, productive discussion or an argument leaving you both feeling frustrated and disconnected from each other.
The important discussions you have as a couple will likely cover a wide range of topics, whether it’s about managing money, growing your family, changing careers, or your relationship. No matter the topic, you can use the following checklist to make sure you’re both prepared to have the talk:
Are you prepared mentally?
Is your mind open and ready to hear your partner’s perspective? Are you in a collaborative, relationship-oriented mindset?
If you can’t shake the idea that it’s your way or the highway, then you might want to give yourself a little more time to reflect. Going into a discussion when your mind is already made up makes it harder to be a good listener. You’re likely just thinking about your counterpoint instead of hearing what your spouse is really saying. Instead, try to think of it as working together to come up with the best outcome for your relationship.
Are you prepared emotionally?
Did you have a bad day? Are you experiencing any emotional extremes?
We know strong emotions can cause us to be more reactive than we’d like to be. Ideally, you’ll be feeling neutral going into your discussion – not in a bad mood, but not in an elated one either. Starting from the same page emotionally helps prevent the discussion from skewing positively or negatively.
Are you prepared physically?
Do you have any pressing physical needs to take care of (hungry, in pain, tired, etc.)? Is your environment comfortable with minimal distractions?
Sitting down for an important discussion when you’re physically spent means you haven’t got a lot to give your partner in terms of being engaged and present. Similarly, when you’re deciding where to sit down and talk, try to choose a place that’s quiet, comfortable, and free of devices, noisy kids, etc. Of course, sometimes it’s simply not possible to to eliminate all potential interruptions, but neutralize as many as you can.
In so many aspects of life, being prepared is a way to set yourself up for success; having a productive, meaningful conversation with your spouse is no different. Being mentally, emotionally, and physically prepared will lend itself to having a better discussion. While it requires a little more effort and forethought, it will be worth it in the end.
This checklist is the perfect lead-in to our Discussion Guide for Couples. Check out this approachable guide that covers 14 crucial relationship topics. You’ll gain practical insights and tips you can apply in your relationship right away. Learn more >>
I really appreciate these questions. I’m all for helping couples help their marriage win. Sometimes I hear comments that their “active listening” goes badly – leaving them more even more frustrated than before. Often one was not really ready – not in the right frame of mind, or just wanted to “get it over with.” These suggestions help couples be in that right spot to hold their partner’s heart well as they listen. Additionally, I would encourage a partner be willing to let the other get to that good place to listen rather than insisting on dealing with something when the other isn’t ready. You’ll be more likely to be heard the way you long for. This really helps the marriage have a chance to win!
I’ve got a cross cultural couple that is anticipating marriage and they need more of these questions. Is there a teaching or Christian book might add value to my need in this unique area?
Do you have any resources on how to be a better communicator and listener? Thank you.
Communication is the key to a healthy relationship. However, many people aren’t certain what they should be communicating about. Spend time talking about a variety of topics to grow together as a couple and to prevent your relationship from becoming stale.
Our Daily Activities
All of your conversations don’t have to be earth shattering. Spend time talking about your day-to-day activities. Discuss what time you woke up, what you ate for lunch, or what you discussed with a co-worker and help your partner understand what happens when you’re apart.
Money
Talk about your budget. Discuss your saving and spending habits. If you combine your finances, set some financial goals and discuss strategies to help you reach those goals.
Places You Want to Explore
Start a conversation about the places you’d like to visit. Whether you want to travel to your grandmother’s house or you want to go on a cruise around the world, a discussion about travel can spark a lot of new conversation.
Emotional Growth
Share some information about your emotional growth. If you notice you’ve become wiser, less reactive, or more compassionate, share that with your partner. Point out the emotional growth you see in your partner as well.
Individual Goals
It’s healthy to have individual goals. Whether you want to lose weight, learn how to prepare Chinese food, or learn how to line dance, set some goals for yourself and discuss those goals with your partner.
Spiritual Beliefs
Start conversations about your spiritual beliefs. Be willing to listen to your partner’s beliefs and be open to talking about the similarities and differences in your beliefs.