Is your spouse your best friend? If you’re hesitant to say yes, that’s okay. It’s natural to think of your spouse, as well, your spouse. Your “best friend” might be that lifelong childhood buddy or your roommate from freshman year of college. It’s healthy to have good friendships outside your marriage.
But did you know research shows that couples who share a deep friendship are often happier in their relationship? Dr. John Gottman considers friendship the foundation of a strong marriage, and it makes sense. With friendship comes a mutual respect, care and affection for each other. Although physical intimacy is an important part of marriage, there are times and circumstances when it will be lower priority. A strong friendship will help you stay emotionally connected to each other and committed to your relationship. Here’s how you can nurture friendship with your spouse:
Stay curious.
Think about when you connect with a friend. You usually ask them questions about their life, whether it’s catching up on the big stuff or getting updated on day-to-day happenings. You’re interested in their thoughts and opinions. Maintain this same sense of curiosity with your spouse. Sure, you probably see your spouse more often, but that doesn’t mean you always know everything about their inner world. So ask questions. Be eager to learn more. What did they think of that movie? How’s it going with their new manager at work? What made them choose Hawaiian pizza over their usual pepperoni? Asking them questions shows you actually care about and like them as a person, not just as your spouse. This might sound like a given, but sometimes we take it for granted in how we treat each other.
Be a good listener.
There are some situations where we might very well treat our friends with more courtesy than our spouse, and listening might be one of them. Because we’re around our spouse so often, it’s easy to fall into bad listening habits – not giving your full attention, pretending to hear what they said, or sometimes not even acknowledging they’ve spoken. However, you probably don’t do this with your friends – it would come across kind of rude, right? Put in that same effort with your spouse. They deserve it! No, you won’t be perfect, and that’s okay. But feeling heard and listened to is fundamental to friendship, and any good relationship, really.
Have fun together.
There’s a lot about being an adult that isn’t necessarily “fun.” Bills, chores, work, and household logistics can seem to take over your life. It’s natural to let fun slip lower on the priority list, but don’t let it! Friends have fun together, and keeping a playful aspect to your relationship not only nurtures your friendship, but also can be a protective factor during stressful or tense times. Remember, fun doesn’t have to be an entire day at the amusement park; you can have fun together while doing all the mundane things. Be goofy, make cheesy jokes, laugh too hard at said jokes. If you’re always having a good time together and genuinely enjoy each other’s company, your friendship will flourish.
Have each other’s back.
This is a core component of a strong friendship – being supportive and looking out for each other. Sometimes with our spouse it’s easy (or fun) to be contrarian – maybe you often see things differently or that’s just your dynamic. But there are times when they might really want or need you to back them up and be on their side, and vice versa. Maybe it’s a disagreement you’re having with your parents, or perhaps they’ve been treated unfairly at work. Whatever the case, being on the same team is a friendship necessity.
Cultivating a deep friendship with your spouse strengthens your relationship in many ways. While it’s not a requirement that you call each other “best friend,” and it’s great and healthy to have close friendships outside of your spouse, the friendship you nurture with each other is a valuable one. How do you nurture friendship with your spouse? Let us know in the comments!
these are great tips that are simple and yet so deep. thank you!
Love them! Very practical! Thanks!!
No Matter what is going on in your life ? There must be some special ingredients such as Physical compatibility, Spiritual compatibility, Emotional compatibility, Sexual compatibility that lighten up the mode of the relationship to keep it going during difficult times.
Spontaneity is always a good fuel for friendship! Creates unique experiences that only you 2 share. These are great suggestions, though! Thank you!
We talk a lot about each other’s day. I try to mentally make a note of the people at the different job sites when he mentions their name. Then the next time that name comes up, i confirm what their role is or what he said about them last time he mentioned them. This way he knows I am paying attention and it’s what I do with my good friends anyway.
I have learned that when my wife and I have a closer friendship it is a better example to my kids.
I like the last point – have each other’s back. We need to be good teammates. Encourage. Affirm. But also go the extra mile to serve. If our words say “I love you” but our actions don’t match up, we have a disconnect!
So 👍 true!!
Awesome reply
You are spot on, John!
You are so right John
Serge Verna says: Friendships almost always promote inner peace and happiness in any relationship. Like they said before, “happy wife, happy life.” These tips are priceless. Thanks.
Happy spouse, happy house. It works for husband and wife.
Greetings, As a marriage, couple, and family therapist this information is very helpful to achieve happy, healthy, and successful relationships.
Simple and effective tips! Thanks
Checking up on each other in the course of the day while apart, works for me.
Also sharing a prayer before both or anyone leaves home, as well as when both or anyone is ready for bed at night deepens our friendship.
Yes! Very good and true!
We are currently living at my in-laws with our 5 month old baby whilst we hunt for a house… this is definitely a time to focus on friendship! I feel very lucky that we have been such good friends throughout our years together so far. It has already seen us through a lot. Hopefully it will give us a strong foundation moving forwards.
My husband and I nurture our friendship by talking with each other, little jokes and laughing together, kindnesses. We are intentional about connecting and treating each other well, even when we are tired. We enjoy doing things together. Our marriage is 43+ years old and counting… 🙂
Joyce my marriage is only 2years strong. I waited all my life for this special kind man and we are in our Late 50-60 we look at each other with endearment. I love that our friendship grew and we can’t do without each other. Even though our marriage is still new I feel that we have always been together and kindness is so important with its special touch.
And if your spouse can’t put the least effort into any of these …..it’s a long uphill slog everyday (as in the case of my wife).
My advice to those out there reading this with a spouse who has become a, for lack of a better term, “lump” of utter non participation, is to hang in there and be patient….and learn to let a lot of other things go. Kind of like being a minimalist backpacker, tiny-house afficionado, and general fixer of other people’s messes…. I have had to learn to focus of the core critical need-to-haves and let a LOT of nice-to-haves in our relationship fall by the wayside. If you don’t it just becomes death by a thousand papercuts. And there is some pretty strong research out there now about detail anger vs generality satisfaction ….go find the Hidden Brain episode about left brain and right brain research….it’s more realistic than the artistic vs mathy pseudoscience tropes you probably grew up with. It’s OK to be a little mad at times ….like that a grown adult can’t change a diaper time after time after time again and again with such failure regularity it boggles the mind of even the laziest of us….. but that is where you have to start relative to this post about doing things together. You may never get your spouse to laugh at a joke about carrots or kid logic or put away an entire basket of laundry away…..so aim low for small victories and get them to put one pair of socks in the drawer….that is probably literally all they are capable of . Much like trying to have a rational conversation with an irrational person, you might be asking a moped to drive the Indianapolis 500….we don’t judge fish by their ability to climb trees… So let it go and find some acceptance of the small things, take care of yourself. If you need some good let-it-go inspiration go listen (and laugh) at Mike Birbiglia’s comedy sketch about getting T-boned in his rental car…and all that followed.
Very good piece.
I agree SOMEWHAT with the general statement that it may be good at having close friends outside of your spouse.
In fact, you state: “and it’s great and healthy to have close friendships outside of your spouse, the friendship you nurture with each other is a valuable one.”
However, I think, as far as practicable, you must have good or close MUTUAL FRIENDS
rather as a couple?
I stand corrected.
I find my spouse does not like to accept responsibility for his actions or remarks. He uses transference and when I ask him a question he does not answer, but responds with a question to me. He absorbs his self in golf playing, reading, watching videos, talking on the phone and anything golf related rather than spending time with me. He has become critical in the meals I cook, comments on you woman do this and that type things, walks away from me when we go shopping, leaving me by myself. He tells me half truths and most time does not communicate with me unless it us something negative. He tells me I am a bully and if things don’t go my way I don’t like it. He wants to know everything I am doing, but won’t share with me what he is doing. He doesn’t want to sit down and talk, either he will focus on his phone, or walk away while I am talking and say he is listening. 2022 is the first New Year he did not hug or kiss me.
I believe there is something deep rooted in him that he is not sharing with me. We gave been married 27 yrs.