How to Boost Adaptability as a Couple (and Why It’s So Important)

When we think of being adaptable, we might associate it with a person’s personality type. Some people are more adaptable and go with the flow, while others are more thrown off when the unexpected happens. However, it’s not just individuals who have varying levels of adaptability – relationships do, too.

Why is adaptability (or flexibility) important in relationships? Think of a small tree, weathering a storm. If that tree is able to bend and flex when it’s hit with strong gusts of wind, it has better odds of surviving the storm. If the trunk of that tree is brittle and rigid, it’s likely it will snap under the wind’s force and be left broken in the aftermath.

Being adaptable in your relationship is a lot like having that pliable trunk, with the storm being the adversity, stressors, and hardships that life can throw your way. Being flexible means you’re more likely to make it through those challenges as a couple and bounce back to a balanced state, while being rigid during trying times makes your relationship more susceptible to irreparable damage. Simply put, a healthy level of adaptability lends itself to a more resilient relationship.

You might be wondering, “Do we just have to wait for a crisis to find out whether we’re flexible, or is it something we can work on?” Luckily, it’s the latter! There are simple ways we can stretch and strengthen our adaptability muscles, both intentionally and by being mindful during certain every day situations. Here are some examples:

Swap territories.

Do you and your spouse have certain “territories” that you normally take care of in the relationship? Maybe you handle all the car-related stuff (maintenance, repairs, and cleaning), while your partner manages everything related to finances. This will look different for every couple, but hopefully you’re comfortable in your roles and they play to your individual strengths. Get uncomfortable. Temporarily take over each other’s tasks, or learn what goes into them. Imagine how you’d handle the task if your partner couldn’t do it. You’ll not only gain a bigger appreciation for what your spouse does, you’ll also strengthen your adaptability by practicing how you’d manage if life threw a wrench in your status quo.

Be spontaneous.

Think of something that you usually do in a very planned, predictable way. Now throw those plans out the window and try going about it by flying by the seat of your pants. For example, if you’ve got a routine down for going out to dinner at your favorite restaurant, try somewhere completely new, maybe in a neighborhood you aren’t familiar with. Assuming you don’t google it, you won’t know what the parking situation is, what the best menu items are, or what the ambience is like. You’ll need to adapt on the fly, and that’s the whole point.

Re-examine what’s working.

This might seem counterintuitive. If it’s working, why mess with it? The truth is, sometimes we just get so used to doing something a certain way that we keep doing it like that, even if it’s no longer the best way. Circumstances, people and relationships change. Taking time to reassess areas in which you both seem content helps you adapt to those gradual changes or anticipate future ones. For example, let’s say you both seem pretty happy with how you handle disciplining your kids. In re-examining it, you might ask each other, “If you had to change one thing, what would it be?” One of you might say, “Oh, that reminds me! I think we might need to try some new screen time limits.” Or you might discover you’re both feeling anxious about the parenting adjustments you’ll need to make as your oldest enters middle school. Healthy adaptability doesn’t always occur in the midst of an unexpected crisis; it can also be found in the way you adjust to changes you know are coming down the pike.

Take note of everyday situations.

Think through how you might handle the situations below, and be aware of similar circumstances that pop up day to day. Be mindful of times you’re feeling upset, irritated, or uncomfortable in navigating the situation, and set aside some time to reflect on it with your partner. What adjustments do each of you have to make? How can you work together for the best outcome?

• The babysitter falls through
• One of you goes down with a stomach bug
• You’re stuck in traffic and going to miss your dinner reservation
• Your car breaks down and will be in the shop for a week

Your adaptability as a couple is an undervalued aspect of your relationship. It flies under the radar, but it’s a critical component in an enduring relationship. Why? Because it cushions the bumps and blows, big and small, that life throws at you, boosting your resilience as a couple.

In what ways have you shown your flexibility as a couple? Let us know!