A great sense of humor often ranks near the top of the list of desirable traits in a potential spouse. And for good reason – who doesn’t want to be married to someone who will keep you in stitches throughout your marriage? Not only that, but humor can help you maintain a positive perspective during challenging situations or seasons of life, making your relationship more resilient. In other words, your marriage will be better equipped to handle the unpredictability that life throws your way.
And that’s not all! Leaning into laughter can also create a more peaceful dynamic in your marriage. Here’s how humor leads to harmony:
It helps you avoid unnecessary fights.
Sometimes during an interaction with your spouse, you come to sort of a tipping point. You know that saying the wrong thing – whether it’s a sarcastic comment, snide comeback, or just the irresistible urge to have the last word – will lead you down the path of an argument. If you find yourselves in this situation, and you’re able to avoid giving into that urge, opting for some humor can be the perfect antidote – just be sure your partner will think it’s funny, too. A self-deprecating joke can lower defenses and lighten the mood. Or try throwing out something so random and silly that your partner can’t help but break down and laugh. It’s just the switch up you need to steer yourselves away from a big fight.
It tempers annoyance.
Most couples annoy each other from time to time. Whether it’s those irksome little habits that drive you nuts or the personality traits that tend to get on your nerves, you often have a choice for how to handle this irritation. You could choose some critical words or a snippy comment, or you could choose humor, which has a way of softening things. When you try to see the funny side of your spouse’s annoying habits, it can help you think of them as more endearing than exasperating. Being able to poke a little fun at each other – and yourselves – keeps things light. You might even find you develop some great inside jokes out of this, creating shared meaning you can bond over.
It fosters friendship.
As many researchers have found, having a true friendship with your spouse contributes to relationship longevity. Laughing together cultivates a sense of fun and playfulness, which is so important in fostering that sense of friendship between you. When your friendship is strong, your interactions are more likely to be warm and loving, even during challenging or stressful times. This creates a positive cyclical effect that reverberates throughout your relationship.
It helps mitigate negative emotions.
Whether you had a horrible day at work, are hitting roadblocks during a super stressful home repair, or experiencing chaos with the kids while traveling for family vacation, it’s natural for negative emotions to sometimes get the best of you. When you’re feeling stressed out, overstimulated, or overwhelmed you might end up taking it out on your spouse, even though that’s not your intention. In those moments, taking a deep breath and choosing to see the situation through a humorous lens can help keep things in perspective and prevent things from turning sour between you.
They say laughter is the best medicine, and while it can’t solve all of your marital problems, it definitely doesn’t hurt! Not only does humor contribute to an enduring relationship, it can also make the journey itself more harmonious – and that’s no joke!
Any advice for couples whose humor is lacking/not deeply compatible? This has caused conflict during our marriage and it seems the lack of humor has led to fights that otherwise could have been avoided
As regards C, I would say that my wife and I have plenty of conflict, and can’t always use humor. What helps has been a willingness to seek to reconcile. This involves first taking ownership for yourself and apologizing without making excuses. “I apologize for . . . raising my voice, interrupting you, not paying attention, being snippy, being sarcastic, losing my temper, not doing what I said I would do. I’m sorry about what I did (or about what I didn’t do.)” The second thing is to literally say, “Please forgive me.”
My spouse carries so much pent up anger unfortunately, and I am not able to joke around in any way to be sure I don’t light the fuse by saying something they might find offensive at that particular moment. I keep my good humor skills alive by putting in the effort to get a chuckle out of someone wherever I go, a store, church, or with friends. I pray that someday my spouse will be relieved of all this anger and forgive the source so they can be free from carrying this heavy burden needlessly. Join with me in that prayer, and in believing it will be answered for us. Thank You.
Rob,
I get the frustration of your wife of not wanting “humor” when she is angry about something. It can feel dismissive. In my case, also it seems like my wife does not want to listen to the issues that I am frustrated about because she would rather avoid the important conflict.
That being said, if you can get a pastor or mentor at your church to encourage you BOTH to agree that humor in the right moment…coupled with the agreement to address the issues at a later agreed upon time, she might learn to find the value of knocking off the top of the unproductive escalation cycle for a de-escalation toward a productive conversation.
Rob,
Unfortunately, when we do not forgive others, that hurts us as well as our relationships – including our relationship with God. The old saying is so true: when we don’t forgive, it’s like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. And a reminder here – forgiving someone does not mean we have to be in relationship with that person. Some people are toxic or simply not safe – we can forgive and pray for that person without continuing a relationship with them. I will hold you both in my prayers – PEACE to you!
My husband and I have a completely different kind of humor. Often it has led to conflict in the past. When either one of us did not get the fact that the other was making a joke. Now, we try to explain that this is a joke or avoid certain jokes. Or even say sorry.
I think we still learn about each other every day and also learn to appreciate each others humor. I think it is important to not easily being offended.