A few knick-knacks here, some dirty dishes there, kids’ toys everywhere. Does clutter drive you nuts or does it not really bother you? Research has actually found that excessive clutter can have a negative effect on your ability to focus and process information, as well as on your self-esteem and mood.
Now consider this: Can your marriage have clutter? And if so, what effect might it have on your relationship?
Decluttering your marriage might not be as straightforward as putting away that stack of laundry or reorganizing the kitchen cabinets, but it can be just as beneficial. Let’s explore.
What is the clutter in marriage?
Clutter in your marriage can show up in various forms.
It can be emotional – things like harboring resentment, holding onto past hurts, or sitting on unresolved issues and unspoken needs. It can manifest in your day-to-day life, too. Think routines that no longer fit, habits that undermine your wellbeing, activities that no longer serve your relationship, or outside relationships that have turned toxic.
Although these thing may not be taking over your space physically, they can still drain you mentally and emotionally, wasting both time and energy. This clutter can build up, gradually clouding up your communication and hindering intimacy and connection. Ultimately, it can make it difficult to prioritize your relationship and grow together.
So what are some tips for decluttering?
Break it down into smaller chunks.
If you’re decluttering your house, it’s probably pretty overwhelming to have to do the whole thing at once. But if you break it down into more manageable categories, areas, or tasks, it suddenly becomes much easier to make progress. For example, you might set a goal of completing one room per week, or focus on purging unneeded clothing this month and old toys the next. You can apply the same principle to the clutter in your marriage. Sit down with your spouse and have a discussion about the different areas of your relationship you feel need some cleaning up. Then map out a plan for how you’ll tackle them chunk by chunk.
If you’re not sure where the clutter is hiding or simply not sure how to start, the Discussion Guide for Couples can be an excellent roadmap for exploring the different areas of your relationship. It helps guide your conversations about 14 different topics, providing insightful questions and practical next steps to help you get on the same page. Think of it as a cleaning and decluttering checklist for your relationship! You can get a copy here.
Take responsibility for your own clutter.
Chances are, you’ve both contributed to the clutter in your marriage. While some of it might belong to both of you, some might be primarily yours or your spouse’s. Take responsibility for the stuff that lies squarely in your court. This might mean owning up to the fact that you never told your spouse you need more quality time even though you felt resentment about it. Or it could be recognizing that you need better work/life boundaries.
On the flip side of this, try to avoid throwing out clutter that’s not yours. Imagine your spouse is hanging onto a pair of shoes they haven’t worn in literally 10 years. You might be tempted to chuck them into the donate bin yourself, but before you do, get curious. Find out why they just can’t get rid of them. You might find out they were the shoes your spouse wore on your first date, and they just aren’t ready to part with them yet. Now you have a better understanding and can be more empathetic. With that in mind, if your spouse has some relational clutter that you think they should let go of, don’t rush them or try to do it for them. They might still be processing emotions or need to get to the point of letting it go on their own. The key is to keep communication open while showing each other empathy and respect.
Clutter in your relationship, just like around your home, can make it difficult to focus on what truly matters. Taking time to clear away the things that are holding you back as a couple is a surefire way to get realigned so you can invest your energy in prioritizing your marriage.
What about you? Have you experienced clutter in your marriage? How did you get rid of it? Let us know in the comments.
Yes, my husband and I experienced financial clutter. We decided to sit down and confront all the bills we had and how we would pay each one of them off. We made major sacrifices and one of them was turning in a truck that caused a lot of financial hardship within our budget. In the end, we paid off over 58k in debt and I must say it has giving us the ability to talk about the hard things in our marriage as well as allowed us to become closer in our physical intimacy.
This is amazing timing. I am preaching on this exact topic on Sunday. Things that I plan to share as it relates to what can be done when we see warning signs are: Seek God for the words to say; examine the option of having a mentor couple; and Invest in professional counseling to handle the difficult challenges.
I like to think about clutter as a guard that keeps you from showing your authentic self to the world
Quisiera saber si e material está disponible en español.